KILL MY FRIENDS

what is this poetry i here, just the hum of a machine, waiting to grow it's own life and take us over. maybe we're just delaying something inevitable by waiting. spare me you indecent comments and trying to free your conscience. i know exactly what's making to gears in your head turn like they do. like they always do. i'll jerk you eyes right out of your skull, and kick for good measure. point, point all your like with your words but never will they bruise. never will they bruise, not matter how much spit is behind them, no matter how much crap you fling with it.

THAT EVIL SUBSONIC SOUND

i can hear you hum the melodies of some childhood lullaby, and rock softly to and fro. but you trying to be someone you're not, you're trying to reinvent yourself through the past. cuz you're too fucking afraid to grow...look in the fucking mirror mr. palmer - you are just trying to smother the evolution within you. you're too fucking afraid to do anything but relive your mistake and analyze your failure - cuz fucking up isn't as bad as failing...cuz giving up prevents any kind of rejection...just open your eyes kid - open your fucking eyes. you kill everyone else's light just so yours will shine the brightest...cuz you're obsessed with an image that's dying out. one day you'll realize it...your regression, but by then you'll be forty working at a fast food restaraunt wondering what the hell happened the past twenty years. and your manager, yeah, your manager will be a fucking teenager screaming at you to scrub the floors better next time, cuz you're too burnt out to notice that there's still grime between the tiles. open your eyes for once, and notice the blue sky fading out and wrinkle making way on your skin...you may just be 18 now...but you won't when you die.

WEEKEND

yeah, i kind've just got back from philly - actually it was thirty minutes outside of philadelphia but instead of saying King of Prussia and have everyone go, what? i just say philly - it was a video game convention, and it was hella awesome, with all the displays for new video games, and all the old arcades, and to play 'em it was fucking free....so there was a lot of wasted time while doing that. and before we got up to king of prussia, we made a stop at monroeville mall, in case you have no idea what's there - it was where George A. Romero's Dawn of The Dawn (not the new one) was filmed...and i was there, in zombie history - zombie heaven as i would put it, i got some picture too - it was fucking awesome, now all that's left is go to the cemetery where the first one was filmed, and the mines where the third was filmed...and be a part of the new one - then i could die a completely happy person. well.....almost. but spending this time out on the road, just made me realize one thing - that i need to travel more...live from hotel to motel and whatever's in between. it really sucked having to come home...which is odd for me cuz i'm usually the one that's getting home sick. but not this time...i could've stayed up there forever - even though gas was so fucking expensive - jesus christ.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

seriously i'm in a such a fucking crappy ass mood - i just want to not exist or not let this feeling exist. woe is me and why wouldn't it be after all i do deserve this retribution of karma. the swift axe to fall on me. but out of left field i feel like shit. i want things i cannot obtain and never will...and i just want things to be old again, but it'll just cycle like it always has. i just need someone to treat me like the shit i am. maybe i will heal, hopefully i will not so i can carry this scar and watch it grow, so i can beat down what pride i had and never let it live again...i just wish i could be happy, happy in life and in love find that something i've been missing and not be stupid enough to pass it off as a fickle imagination. i'm such an idiot.

THE FIRST MOMENT OF CLARITY

I realize now, that maybe I am the problem - I set up the questions so that when you need answers, I have them. Maybe I'm just unconsciously putting myself and people I cared about once, but no more through a world of shit. And after the questions start inventing themselves, I don't know the answer and everything just crumbles in my palms...maybe that's the way it is. I am just the sadomasochist, and that would explain why you don't email me back, why you don't ever talk to me...maybe that explains a lot more. Instead of just ignoring the problems that be, look at them and notice that the only thing they all share is my name, the name I now have lost among the blades of blood stained grass. Maybe a medication for my brain wouldn't be out of the question, sure it might rob me off who I am, but who I am isn't great - nothing special...maybe who I am is just another body for the pile of assholes that sooner or later are disposed of and left to burn in nameless unmarked graves. I just want my grave to be shallow, so I can feel the rain....

my name it is sam hall, and i hate you one and all

Damn your eyes, this blackening is turning out to be more than I expected at a time like this. My hands, my hands are shaking and I don't know why I tremble. Some sadist is taking over the skies now and bruising them, making it black and a darker blue than I'm used to. Rose buds and everything just turning blue. I don't know what I can do with my life anymore. It's just a sad circle making the same mistakes going through the same misfortune as before, that's all I am, the same sad person I ever was...but hell, no one knows - no one even cares. Damn your eyes. All my idols are dead, and so is this world anymore. And everything in it, just pretending to be alive, dancing and swaying to and fro like little puppets on strings - we aren't alive, we're just pretending like the strings puppets, or if you prefer a hand can be up your ass at most times. I restarin these thoughts evermore, and desire that nothing else come from my wicked mouth, the boredom does grow, and I apologize for wasting space, and oxygen. God I'm rambling again, if I'm not doing something else, I'm freaggin' rambling. Just shoot the lame horse.

NOBODY KNOWS MY NAME

It always seems when you're looking for someone, they can never be found. And I'm looking just looking before the boredom sets in and thoughts permeate through my vexed mind. The shades of purple turning blue, and all lifelessness flooding through the gates of my temples, thus the hues change and warp, now I don't know which color I see. I just want someone to tell me, but no one's here - no one cares, but I don't care, so we can't care. The humming of a drone is now the only thing keeping me company at late nights. God why am I so depressed - I just leave everything at the door when I get here - all the facade all the stupid little faces I dance in so the people won't care, now I'm bitching because they don't care...this is life, this is all there is...

THE BURNING SKIES OF MARCH

Yesterday I was out, just for a drive...and I forgot to breathe, and faded in and out a little bit. It was because of the sky - one side looked all reddish purple, like the world was on fire...and instead of being afraid or worried that it actually was, I didn't care - I wanted it to burn. I was just lost in the colors, the colors that demanded my full attention, so I almost wrecked. Then when a clearing came on the opposite side, there was the most beautiful sunset I'd ever seen...the way the clouds were set up, it looked like a slow motion explosion, and gave reason to the clouds opposite of it. Then the dusk gave way to night, the clouds still full and awesome, and there was so many different shades of black, and an illuminescent tint of grey spanning, quite a beautiful night sky as well. The moon just that pale white you always see in werewolf movies...the clouds also raced across pretty much in the same manner. But I was stunned by the beauty of yesterday and just wanted to notice it for a while to come.