thank god for the holidays...eh

ya know, it seems (from reading my lg's friend's list) that most people get depressed during the holidays because it's just an unfriendly reminder of how their family isn't like the cleaver family on leave it to beaver. but no one's is. it kinda makes me depressed and makes me wanna go on a big shpeel about how life is for me really behind the facade, but maybe i'll do that when i get back to school (cuz the internet connection here really stinks) but it's makes me wanna go all bleeding heart, and i feel bad because this time of year, people are supposed to be happy with their families, not reveling in the dysfunction of it all. i don't even know why i'm making an entry maybe something just struck a chord of how everyone grows up and suddenly your dad isn't the super hero you thought he was when you were little, or your mom can't make all your problems go away like she once could. it just makes me depressed and think about all my friends (esp. the ones i really don't know anymore) and think about the way i act, so nonchalant that nothing matters, but everything really does.

i'm sorry for yelling at you and telling you to shut up, something's just going wrong inside and i don't know what, i feel so...whatever, and i feel so bad.

i'll have to continue you this another time...even longer - so be prepared cuz i do have a lot on my chest - beware!

idle times make for an interesting sewing kits, maybe i'll bandaged my wrists...and these memories

well the word on the street is, i'm prolly failing my latin class, cuz three or more absences is automatic dunce, and i've got about five or six...fuck me in the ass. i email my awesome german professor and maybe he'll cut me a break, but if not - such is life, and such is me not being responsible enough to go to college.

last night was fun, people hung out - josh was drunk like a stupid person cuz he had a test @ 8 in the morning - fuck that shit. i see the point in drinking when you have nothing to worry about the next day...like earlier...but that's stupid, and when you openly accept that you're an alcoholic and then blame it on robert smith, you're just fucking trendy. it bugs me, but then again i'm almost OCD about things, especially when it comes to josh ideolgy cuz i really don't fucking get it at all. but to move on, jason tortured all with his hentai of shitting and enemas, and watched over and over again, sometimes i wonder it a race for some fucked up shit, who would win, nick with his dildo in the pee-hole porn, jason's fucking sick shit hentai with eggs and urine drinking, or me with my insest porno and animal torture videos from peta that make me wanna eat some fast food...ah who the fuck cares anyway.

talked to jesi last night, got on her case a little for a tuff that i just discovered...muahahahahaha. and i miss her, she's great. well, i'm a loser and i'll i do is play on my computer...cuz i have no life...just my machine.

dance dance revolution..........is gay

FUCKING AWESOME! my professor emailed me back, and i'm not failing latin - it's just so long as i pass the exams....YES! i'm not completely fucked

fattening food is good, but food that's been killed just so you can eat it...even better

so yeah, this weekend...nothing special - it was okay. got to chill w/ my family which is nice, cuz you really don't realize how much you miss 'em until you're only around them maybe two or three days a week. so i chilled with pops a lot, cuz mom was shopping for x-mas...saturday night mom & tia decided to put up x-mas stuff when they got home, and i put up her friggin' tree which gave me a flesh wound. then i got to talk to jesi and wish her a happy birthday, which is awesome. sunday, helped pops with his po' barn, i wonder why they call it a po' bar, perhaps it's because a po' man has to build it....woka woka. oh, and i finally got my dvds out of storage, which took like an hour...felt like i was in the freakin' temple of doom or something, having to climb and move things everywhere, but i fuckin' got 'em. so now, i can waste precious time by watching anime again...cuz i'm a big loser. oh, and i'm gonna post my song that i was inspired to write after playing super nintendo all week, and listening to minibosses, and horse the band. so here it is bitches.


My Heroes Were Built By Nintendo

I was only a little more than five or six when the time came
The time when I would have to save the world, one level at a time
Block by block, dungeon by dungeon, I conquered by enemy
And became the person that destiny wanted me to be

Take the time warp Marle built, this catastrophe was an accident
By now the world is in peril, and I am the only one they can turn to

The princess was kidnapped again, by that King Koopa
I'll stomp every last goompa and find my way through this maze
The maze built of green tunnels, that can't keep this plumber down

And if I charge up my heart, I can shoot my sword with power
Knock down that demon they fear and call Ganon

I'll fly to outer space, and take on a sex change just to take on the space pirates
Control the metroids so they don’t break loose and control the universe
With my bio-suit, I’ll save this whole galaxy if I have to, and I will

My father went off to duel to the death, and left me this letter, and this sword
I must find Mr. Smith, and keep the statue in my possession
So the 700 years slumber of this demon, will not be interrupted
But now, I must become the Dragon Ninja, to save the world, yet again

With this A button, I'll attack
And with this B button, I'll jump
It's all I need to save this world
Time and time again
One level at a time

i feel like i'm growing another brain on my forehead

yeah, well let's see - where should i start with me and my life. okay, well thursday night i drank, and got drunk. that was okay - the next morning was hell, cuz for an hour and a half i had this horrible urge to shit and vomit, i shat but as for the vomiting i had no luck because i didn't have any food in my weak stomach. so then i fell asleep and woke up so feel better, with a slight hangover, but it still sucked cuz i had a hangover and it was my first. ate, went to class, packed, talked to jesi, came home, dropped josh off, was gonna hang out with lance but he wasn't home, came home hung out with my parents an went to sleep. woke up, took a shower - then dad gave me the mail from bank one - the people i'm getting my student loan from...and i got the loan...the only thing that sucks it - it barely covers my fee, cuz i didn't know what i was doing, and i don't have a job to pay on it yet - which also sucks. another thing that confuses me is that i borrowed 3,500, but the payment paper says that i'm eventually (when i'm finished paying it off) am gonna pay like 7,257 or something, and that's kinda bullshit...but yeah and it sucks cuz i gotta take another out for the second semester. oh well, that's all life is, about being in debt with banks and the government. just gotta be sure to try and keep my head above water. hopefully, i won't drown....maybe i should cuz you the best from physical teachers, like when your dad whips your ass because you fucked with his tools...or something like that. oh well, such is life.

these tanks of time keep shoving forward into land unmarked and unwanted

to say i'm okay would not be far from another lie, but to say i'm depressed would be far too dramatic. i am me, right now, i am nothing. a nihilist. simply here, not thinking, barely doing - trying to keep up with whatever tide is coming in, and trying not to float back out with it. my eyes are burning because the computer screen has become my life out here, i mean i do things, but i sit her far more. this is just hopefully a rut i'm hitting. don't worry this is just some insides of mine coming out, i'll pretend everything's okay...because basically everything is okay, and i'm not gonna let on otherwise, except for this small pathetic attempt at a journal entry. lupin the third is such a good show, i don't care what anyone else has to say. well, this weekend should be fun, very fun. and i'll try to enjoy though i can't help but feel that i'm rolling down a big hill, and i'm still not hitting bottom, not yet.

KILL EVERYDAY ON THE CALENDAR

this has just been really shitty times for me lately, i make my bed and have to lay in it. betraying everyone and and fucking myself at the same time. could things be any worse? yeah, but i'm the one that made 'em that way, so what's the point of bitching if i'm the problem. i'm such a stupid prick...always fucking things up for just about everyone around me. is death ever an answer? prolly not, but hey sometimes you can't help but wonder. i apologize to everyone, nothing should've been a big deal, then it become this thing that was way out of proportion and totally fucked. i lie, that's what i do when i feel like i might be suffocating, and i lie to protect (at least it seems that way) but lying never helps anything and i should know that by now. but i'm too stubborn to learn a goddamn thing. so how about i just crawl in a fucking hole. that would benefit everyone else, whether they know me or not. and eventually the problems would fade away with time, like most do. keep working on the problems that we never seem to solve. i have to at least make things better before i move on with the crawling into a hole thing. i owe it to you, jesi.