when's the last time i did this?

so i realize that i haven't blogged in a while, so let me give it another shot. hmm, i have a rediscovered interest in comic books, which is lame (i know) amongst the horror movies/zombie fetish and being a beginner @ dungeons and dragons. but it's a nice thing to waste money on, cuz everyone knows how i like to waste the money. hey, it's better than spending it all on booze, or drugs...just sit on that. anywho, still working the isles of movie warehouse...pretty boring, nothing much to update there, no raise or anything, did get some pretty sweet lil gifts from there, like shirts and stuff...and got to see my fam for x-mas. got a digital camera, so now i can be a bigger camera whore than mattytron. and i got to hang w/ the mostest wonderfulest g/f in the whole world on x-mas eve. and the star wars marathon w/ mattytron & the DM!, and shopping the day after x-mas. nothing really that exciting. up to episode 97 on Naruto, and i did that in like two days...37 to 97...holy shit.
oh, and today i was reading lj's and shit, and jason might not be coming back this semester! what the hell? that's blows big monkey nuts, i mean it'd be cool to have a private room, but i don't wanna pay for it. and plus i like having a room mate that i get along with. if he doesn't come back it's not like the room's gonna be much different though, most of the shit around here is mine anyway, cuz i'm such a pack rat with all this clutter shit. i dunno. it's all of the sudden, so i'm thrown off. anyway, i have to use the little boy's room, so i'll be back.
alright, i'm back...bye.

the joys of randomness

so as i'm sure you all know since you keep up with every single thing i do...i went to bardstown for the weekend, since i have to work on x-mas, now before you guys throw me your, 'i'm sorry' or 'that sucks' messages, it's fine - i took it b/c i knew no one else wanted to, either way - i'm still cherry b/c i got present and gave them as well, just didn't have to wait as long, which is pretty nice. anywho, sunday night, my parents and i went and ate in elizabethtown, and we had to stop by some stores, b/c my mother likes to shop like no other, it's like her cocaine+herione, seriously, she'll put in full 8 hour days of shopping, i shit you not. anyway, on with the mini-tale, we proceeded into t.j. maxx b/c my pops wanted some coffee, and they apparently have this kind've awesome coffee (whole bean) that he can't find anywhere else, so i just start wandering around the store, and i like to do, and i notice how much weird junk the maxx has, i mean seriously, among it's cool mini-jimbe (sp?) drums, and celtic crosses, it's african (& chinese) themed statuettes and awesomely artistic vases, i see two things that quite frankly scare me, first i run across this pleasure device that's disguising itself as a popel towel holder, seriously, check it out:

i mean if that's not a dildo/butt plug, i don't know what is...and i pointed it out to my parents with this shocked look on my face, like my childhood had just been raped away in that one moment, and i was forced to be an adult, the only thing i could say was, "can i have this?" of course, they asked what i needed it for, and i was ashamed so i turned away and told them not to worry about it. so i carried on with my nomadic wandering and exploring of the story, and then i see this:

seriously, what the hell is this, i mean, it's not a candle holder, the woman's body doesn't have any arms, or a freaggin' head. what the hell man? at this point i had no choice but to run away, and go open my x-mas present, which i received - duh duh duh, and digital camera and bunches of food. yay. the end.

kk?

you keep it so cool, but i can tell...
you're dying on the inside...
and it's forcing you to slowly break apart...

mother fucking god damn

i hate internet drama...especially when i'm involved and i don't even know it, that's fucking super.
so to you fine people: i've said what i needed to say about the situation, just leave me the hell alone.

mother fucking god damn

i hate internet drama...especially when i'm involved and i don't even know it, that's fucking super.

so to you fine people: i've said what i needed to say about the situation, just leave me the hell alone.

concerning this urgent dilemma

you shouldn't really rely on the subject line so much, i mean come on, i'm really just fuckin' with you b/c it's nothing that important, i'm prolly just gonna go on a rant...possibly. i just finished a very good spider-man graphic novel, pretty sweet and well plotted, thank you matt for pushing it off on me, now maybe i'll get through the rest faster. and the most beautiful girl in the world is asleep, and i keep glancing at her. it's really times like these that keep working around in my head, how'd i get to be so lucky, how do i always manage to come out on top. i mean i bitch and whine and complain and do pretty much nothing, and i have to deal with a lot of pointless shit a lot of the time. but things shouldn't ever end up as well as they do most of the time. in perspective if i just stand back and take in every single little thing, no matter how much i might be stressed about something, i still come out ahead and i'd kind've like to know why. it doesn't bother me, just confuses me...hmm...

another middle finger, i cut it off and choke you with it by shoving in down your throat

before i head to the bed i was supposed to be in about and hour and a half ago, i just thought i'd type a lil ole entry to this myspace account, b/c this weekend was wonderousful. i am really lucky to have a great g/f, and whoever else is happy, i'm happy for you. yeah, i know i'm sounding quite the annoying chipper guy right now, but i just figured i'd put it out there, and kind've brag, b/c i don't get that chance too much. and the words you say can't bring me down, i've paid my dues and spent my time in hell, and god dammit now everything's paying up like i've yearned for. and for once, i can see my life getting back on track and my heart's sinking into a nice comfortable bed for some rest from the stress and constant bickering of a succubus trying to steal my soul, but luckily someone played the song backwards for me, and saved me. yay. now...i'm a free and with the most greatest gorgeous g/f in the world....woot.

it you click now, you can get a piece of my sweet sweet ass

oh no, i was just lying - too bad!
damn those cryptic overhauls nowadays w/ you kids. well, i do guess evertyhing seems a little cryptic when you don't know what they're talking about. oh well. la de da da da.

wrath could be a similar but distinctly different occurence that runs with stupidity

The hours of the day finally set in, and I can feel the stress I carry in my back bury into the flattened cushion of my chair. Life is finally what it's cracked up to be, and that's all I can think about. Would it be called happiness? I don't know, but whatever it is I like it. Now it seems like everything/everyone I've had to deal with up to this point have just been this great obstacle to overcome so I could find something concrete, something solid, something real in my heart. Every moment I've wasted dwelling kind've makes sense now, even if it's not clearly understood, my grasp on it has gotten tighter. Certainly my understanding of a few elusive things have indeed improved. Am I saying I know what they are exactly? No. I'm just saying things seem clearer, and I want to keep growing in this way, with this one person who makes my moons glow and those stars in the sky brighter than any other. It's nice to really find that, instead of convincing myself that this was it, it has to be. I've been around long enough, and waded through enough streams of different things to finally get passed where I started, but there were too many times I actually passed the same fucking point. Now, in retrospect, it was all worth it, and I certainly wouldn't have thought that I would find it here.
*note that i can use excellent grammar when i want, and this will be my proof for now you doubting bastards*

a subtle fuck you...just subtle

well, i'm really happy for you, and as for the personal blows, good i guess i would deserve them, but i am gonna point out a few things, k - so if you can take the criticism it's coming your way, so if you delete it, it will be fine, but i'm gonna post it on lj and myspace, just so you can't avoid the truth much longer, like you like to do. so first thing is, you were the one who said you hated sXe kids, those're you words, not mine stuffed into your mouth. and i may be immature, but i still can't hold a candle to drunken prank calls to people i don't like b/c they were picked over me (i mean i didn't hold a grudge when i didn't get picked for stuff in elementary school), but if i did i'd be sure to block my number (i mean come on, i learned to do that in middle school when i was prank calling people, but i totally grew out of that, but i'm glad some people can be a kid at heart, it's nice to not lose that), and i'm not afraid of candy thrown at me at a stupid audience participation show (enough said about that...by the way good luck with that). and yeah, i may have some delusion that i won't/can't die, but you know after you've lived through some really freakish things, i'm sure most common people would, you know with about normal intelligence that can't comprehend some things with that someone with a genius level IQ, but i was never gonna save the world from a zombie invasion, that was just my dream scenario, and i know i wouldn't save everybody, i might save my friends, or generally good people, obviously no one that would be a complete shithead to me. and no i wasn't optimistic, ambitious, i do wallow in my own self pity, but i never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me, and hey, you fell in love with that, i'm sorry that you're bitter because i never said it back. and you claim you were confused about everything, i could see that, someone who drinks themselves into a drunker stupor so frequently would be confused about something that complex, and i'm not being sarcastic about that, love IS a hard thing to wrap your brain around. but maybe that would be my excuse too, i drank too much a liked a girl that i normally wouldn't, but do i regret it, no, not really - because i did have some good times, and yes there were bad, for instance, now - i'm trying to move on but somehow i get pulled back into these things b/c i'm too prideful to let you have the last word. random transition: i'm jewish, and if you've ever watched south park, JEWS DON'T HAVE RYTHM, and i respect that he can drum, hell from the two times i've talked to johnathan, he seemed like a really kickass dude, and it sucks b/c he prolly hates me b/c i'm his girlfriend's ex, who she hates, kind've like i disliked bobby for a while, but you know what, i don't hate bobby, and seeing as we have a few friends in common, we prolly would've gotten along, but now it's just really akward any time we see each other, and i can thank myself for that, because i did stir up a lot of dust around you and him and rachel, but you know what - you all seem to be getting along fine now, so in the end, i guess it just doesn't matter anymore. plus you were the one who kept saying you really hated him, and the only reason you still talked to him was for either a cheap laugh, or just bitch him out and ride his ass about something, to either piss him off or make him feel like shit. and some people like to do that, i for one admire the fact that you can be a heartless bitch to everyone, i just can't do that. i can only be mean to the people that care about me. yes, it's shitty, but i can admit to it openly without being hassled about it, and it's not really a problem (or an addiction let's say) because i do realize my errors and try to resolve them quickly after the problem arises. but according to the masses, or you, i'm still a shitty person, b/c i don't hold grudges, b/c i don't care for drama, b/c i'm the immature one, b/c i don't have muscles (but the truth is, your 4 or whatever years of shaolin couldn't protect you from the flying reese's cup from hell). and no, i really don't care too much for you now, i DID want to be friends, but your mind was too cloudy to understand that i needed time away from you period before we could hang out again, and your begging just made things worse, and begging was not an exaggeration no matter how you wanna spin the web. and if you claim that i'm a liar, fine - i don't care if you believe my story, b/c you KNOW that these things i've said ARE true, whether you want to admit to it or not. the fact is, if no one believes me it doesn't really matter, but i'm tired of people thinking i'm a shitty person b/c of the way you portray me. and for the fucking record. i DO NOT HATE: John, Whitney, Johnathan, Bobby, Rachel, Casey, or anyone else that may be in your little group now, including you, and if you ever wanna be friends, that's fine, if not, that's fine, too. but i'm tired of all this hearsay bullshit of me posting my opinions on my pages, and you on yours, cuz obviously we've both read them. but THIS IS THE LAST THING I'M SAYING ABOUT THE WHOLE SITUATION BETWEEN ME AND YOU. and those are my final words, so say whatever you will, b/c i will not reply or argue (oh, i'm sorry - discuss - cuz that's what you intelligent people do) about this topic/situation/whatever you wanna call it anymore, i'm too tired of this shit and i've avoided pointless drama too long to just wind up getting drawn back into it now.

a subtle fuck you...just subtle

well, i'm really happy for you, and as for the personal blows, good i guess i would deserve them, but i am gonna point out a few things, k - so if you can take the criticism it's coming your way, so if you delete it, it will be fine, but i'm gonna post it on lj and myspace, just so you can't avoid the truth much longer, like you like to do. so first thing is, you were the one who said you hated sXe kids, those're you words, not mine stuffed into your mouth. and i may be immature, but i still can't hold a candle to drunken prank calls to people i don't like b/c they were picked over me (i mean i didn't hold a grudge when i didn't get picked for stuff in elementary school), but if i did i'd be sure to block my number (i mean come on, i learned to do that in middle school when i was prank calling people, but i totally grew out of that, but i'm glad some people can be a kid at heart, it's nice to not lose that), and i'm not afraid of candy thrown at me at a stupid audience participation show (enough said about that...by the way good luck with that). and yeah, i may have some delusion that i won't/can't die, but you know after you've lived through some really freakish things, i'm sure most common people would, you know with about normal intelligence that can't comprehend some things with that someone with a genius level IQ, but i was never gonna save the world from a zombie invasion, that was just my dream scenario, and i know i wouldn't save everybody, i might save my friends, or generally good people, obviously no one that would be a complete shithead to me. and no i wasn't optimistic, ambitious, i do wallow in my own self pity, but i never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me, and hey, you fell in love with that, i'm sorry that you're bitter because i never said it back. and you claim you were confused about everything, i could see that, someone who drinks themselves into a drunker stupor so frequently would be confused about something that complex, and i'm not being sarcastic about that, love IS a hard thing to wrap your brain around. but maybe that would be my excuse too, i drank too much a liked a girl that i normally wouldn't, but do i regret it, no, not really - because i did have some good times, and yes there were bad, for instance, now - i'm trying to move on but somehow i get pulled back into these things b/c i'm too prideful to let you have the last word. random transition: i'm jewish, and if you've ever watched south park, JEWS DON'T HAVE RYTHM, and i respect that he can drum, hell from the two times i've talked to johnathan, he seemed like a really kickass dude, and it sucks b/c he prolly hates me b/c i'm his girlfriend's ex, who she hates, kind've like i disliked bobby for a while, but you know what, i don't hate bobby, and seeing as we have a few friends in common, we prolly would've gotten along, but now it's just really akward any time we see each other, and i can thank myself for that, because i did stir up a lot of dust around you and him and rachel, but you know what - you all seem to be getting along fine now, so in the end, i guess it just doesn't matter anymore. plus you were the one who kept saying you really hated him, and the only reason you still talked to him was for either a cheap laugh, or just bitch him out and ride his ass about something, to either piss him off or make him feel like shit. and some people like to do that, i for one admire the fact that you can be a heartless bitch to everyone, i just can't do that. i can only be mean to the people that care about me. yes, it's shitty, but i can admit to it openly without being hassled about it, and it's not really a problem (or an addiction let's say) because i do realize my errors and try to resolve them quickly after the problem arises. but according to the masses, or you, i'm still a shitty person, b/c i don't hold grudges, b/c i don't care for drama, b/c i'm the immature one, b/c i don't have muscles (but the truth is, your 4 or whatever years of shaolin couldn't protect you from the flying reese's cup from hell). and no, i really don't care too much for you now, i DID want to be friends, but your mind was too cloudy to understand that i needed time away from you period before we could hang out again, and your begging just made things worse, and begging was not an exaggeration no matter how you wanna spin the web. and if you claim that i'm a liar, fine - i don't care if you believe my story, b/c you KNOW that these things i've said ARE true, whether you want to admit to it or not. the fact is, if no one believes me it doesn't really matter, but i'm tired of people thinking i'm a shitty person b/c of the way you portray me. and for the fucking record. i DO NOT HATE: John, Whitney, Johnathan, Bobby, Rachel, Casey, or anyone else that may be in your little group now, including you, and if you ever wanna be friends, that's fine, if not, that's fine, too. but i'm tired of all this hearsay bullshit of me posting my opinions on my pages, and you on yours, cuz obviously we've both read them. but THIS IS THE LAST THING I'M SAYING ABOUT THE WHOLE SITUATION BETWEEN ME AND YOU. and those are my final words, so say whatever you will, b/c i will not reply or argue (oh, i'm sorry - discuss - cuz that's what you intelligent people do) about this topic/situation/whatever you wanna call it anymore, i'm too tired of this shit and i've avoided pointless drama too long to just wind up getting drawn back into it now.

she's a brick and drownin' slowly, off the coast and i'm headin' nowhere

hmm, so i've come to understand that the DM takes it quite easy on us. the four-armed gorilla was way too easy, but then again i did have two skeleton minions plus zach and greg's awesome attacks, although the dwarf wasn't rollin' 20's, and i got to urinate on zach's character, w00t. but all in all, it was prolly one of the best games of d&d b/c i didn't almost freaggin' die, and i'm making good friends with Mimble, a halfling arcane necromancer, and possibly learning some shit beyond my amnesia. but all in all, pretty sweet stuff, and fuck jason's character too, that bastard. he should know what i'm talking about. that son of a bitch.

and for anyone that hates me now because i'm dating someone, well not just the sheer fact that i'm dating, but b/c who i'm dating - and those of you that know, know - those who don't, don't worry about it. uhm, there's just about one person that i would say, 'get over it' and she understands who she is. but everyone else, that's either dropped me off their friends lists or just taken a bias against me. hey, i'm sorry that you feel that way, i don't really think any less of all of you, it just sucks that you've decided to either not like me because association or whatever reason, and i'm still not gonna have anything against you. but you know i'm always gonna be this way, and i'll be here if any of you ever come around. if not, nice knowing you, if was fun. and now i've made my peace. if you'd like to let me know that you don't or do hate me, that's fine - i'd at least like to know where i stand with people, cuz god knows i didn't have the intention of hurting anyone's feelings or betraying anyone. it's just stuff i can't really control, b/c if i could i prolly wouldn't be human. anywho, this has been way too long, so goodbye.

if you read this, then read this - if not...then i don't care...fuck you

alright, for those of you who want an update on my life...ha ha - fuck you - you don't get it. anywho, those who need to know are in the know and you my friends might not be. anywho...i started this blog with the full intention of handing out a lil online survey...but i've changed my mind...i don't really wanna do that, b/c i'm sure there are people that do read this (for a lack of things to do, or life, or boredom, who knows) that aren't exactly on my...hey buddy list...so i'm just gonna save time and just randomly make a blog that makes no sense whatsoever and misses the whole point of why it was started, but that's why my friends love me...i'm a random, pointless sexy beast who'll save you from a wide scale zombie manifesto...yo.

THE OUTLINE....

...gets finished friday nov. 4 (hopefully) and then you shall know what the hell i'm talking about.

HOLY SHITBALLS, I'M QUITE POSSIBLY ON FIRE

you know it's a very few times that i trip through the ole lj, and when i do - most of it is people bitching, and this time was at each other, quite frankly...you can have your opinions, but i will shoot you if you ever disagree with mine. that being said - let's have an orgy and make up...sound good?

TIGER CLAW!

never choose next day shipping cuz those fucking bastards won't get it there the next day or the day after that or the day after that, i'm so pissed cuz i forked out 30 bucks for that shit. here comes a nasty email you son of a bitches...cunts.

this is the first day of my life

insert some stabbing westward
although it's not like i didn't ask for it, and didn't really set it up, it's not like i'm innocent, not like anything you expected.

sonic heroes...

yeah, got the theme song from that sonic game stuck in my fucking head. i dunno why just do-de-do. it's an amazing thing how randomly things like that can happen, but ya know - actually you prolly don't. but as for me, i've just been takin' a chill pill. and upgrading my life, with computer parts, and dvd's and night, dawn, day and land of the dead shirts...woot. razzle dazzle. god dizzle. uhm, yeah - i think i should just hop off here, and sleep maybe - yes, damn video games stealing my life away from me hour by hour.

and she in he and we're all in this together now, but i still feel so alone.

i feel like i've been studying the shit outta japanese, and i'm still not fucking fluent, goddammit, i've killed people for less.

cock and balls...the revenge

you know, i think i've noticed that i don't post on here near as much as i used to, but when i did i was always the cryptic one, plus i think i figured out that no one ever read 'em, unless they were about drinking or some stupid shit like that...anyway...

and so it is...

look at me, i'm a fucking mess...wouldn't be surprised to see blood on my hands, just staring down...
you know some people have it all, and some people barely have it together, can't say i'd really want it all, guess that's good for me then cuz that's not who i am

FUCKING HORROR MOVIE CONVENTION

Horror Movie Convention Details
someone please go with me! but only if you're a real horror fan, no fakers!

two for the price of one admission, wow what a deal

yeah, so i wrote some things the other day, i don't write that much anymore, but it's nice to escape for about three or four minutes...and here they are (like you care)

"When Morning Comes…"

Twirling and spinning, these walls are laughing

They don’t joke, they poke and pull

And every one in  the room is oblivious of what’s going on

They can’t see what I see, they don’t know what I know

I am who I am because of what’s become

Deep inside, somewhere inside the lines

They blur as they move, marking the territories

Making things black and white

But when you squint your eyes, it all turns grey

It’s an easy way to tell who your friends are

And the people that aren’t

So you scrape your knees and elbows

And say you got a taste of pain

But two days later your forget where you came from

It’s a lingering taste that dulls the senses

And nothing else compares, once it’s been there

Tell me lies, tell me lies

So I can get back to where I once was

Even though I won’t remember when morning comes

#2

"It Started Off Without Wednesday"

And they walk two steps at a time

Limping one stride to the next

Pushing their massive carts

Full of heavy, heavy baggage

The sky was turning grey when I noticed them

Gimping across the empty fields of weeds

The lightning came down so fast

Came down so fast she couldn’t move

So I ran to her side thinking, “Surely lightning won’t strike twice”

But I know now, I can be wrong

So the smoke was rising from my lungs

Like the mists in the evening, I could almost feel it on my skin

That dew that makes me feel sticky and dirty, all over again

So I said my goodbyes to the sun

Saying I would never see her again, and held my heart

After I heard something in my chest go pop

And as I lay dying, someone picked me up

Yesterday was today again and all the days before

That’s when I felt the bumpy road ahead

bargh

had to delete the pics i posted yesterday - but a couple are on my profile...and anywho, i might just post 'em without caption, and i learned how to pimp my blog page, so i did that...now for the profile page??? how???

the sun blinds my ambition, and the night stalks me bringing terrors to where i sleep

directly connected to the new self explanatory autopsy, looking inside myself and trying to pick out the pieces i don't like, but i need 'em, still i toss them aside not really keeping track of what will keep me alive. it's really that simplistic. assholes shouldn't be kept alive, and the tally for their organs should be burnt up with the rest of the documents held to prove that they once existed. the scalpel incision hurts at first, but the cold stainless steel numbs what nerves have a mind of their own, and it slides deeper into me slowly disappearing from my eyes. and chest separator spares me no sympathy...it's just the way it is when change is an inevitable part of life, but like i do with everything else, i'll get used to it, i'll become numb.

i killed a god yesterday

i have the internet, ha ha

my back's is aching and my feet hurt, son of a bitch, i'm getting old - ha ha

yeah, that's the truth ain't it? i actually put in some full time hours at the movie warehouse, not that that's a big deal, it's just basically chillin' for 43 hours, talkin' about new movies and hittin' buttons...well there's more than that, esp. being a manager and all...which still hasn't sunk in, and i've been opening quite a bit in the past two weeks, not that that's bad either, it's just that i'm alone for 7 and a half hours, but i always keep busy, and i actually thought of a prooty sweet analogy kinda deal, cuz my testies kept sticking to my leg (guys: you know what i'm talking about) but i was doing this little narration of my actions for about a half hour (ya know, to keep exercising my writing skills) but i was all, my testicles are afraid of heights and grasping for dear life on my legs...i'm sure some of you think that's gross, but funk you guys, anyway i've been on here too long...bye

snap snap snap snap crack crackle pop

yeah, just a week and i get internet all the fucking time and i'll become this great thorn in your ass with all my idiocy and nonchalant posting littering the mainstream w/ all kinds of pointless drivel does anyone else notice that i can't spell worth a shit?
and kendrick - ha ha, i'm  cooler than you...and my myspace kicks your myspace's ars. wocka wocka.

jiminy snaps bitch!

yeah, so i've been reading the new issue of fango, and god dammit i'm pissed - they're too many remakes...but it's okay cuz clive barker is starting his own picture company and making movies off his books of blood stories, and jason and i are working on something kick ass too...and i'll finish it when i get internet access to my word processor works again. AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
i need to paint the saint brown
and the monkey silhouette
and the marlyn silhouette
and your mom's face

my heart's still beating now

yeah, i'm alive...and well, but i can't say as much for my adversary, hotaru or shau kahn...i just kicked both of their asses with my monkey style, switched it up with some lotus and a katana blade.
8 hours straight and i finished my perilous journey, but that damn oniga tricked me into doing his dirty work, and for that he shall pay dearly
in case you freaks didn't know, i've been playing the new mortal kombats on gc, and they're not that bad, but i blame melissa cuz she was all like 'i like mortal kombat, and you don't have it' so i just bought it and another controller for all you petty little amatuers who think you can kick my ass, i doubt it muhahaha
i'm leaving now, myspace bores me w/ it's maintenance

not one more word tonite

so what's up kids, i am a 20 year old munchkin named bilbo
i eat tuna salad on a regular basis
and i brush my teeth w/ elbow grease
richmond is a hole is both great and true (pg. 99 song, but i'm sure they were talking about richmond, VA)
i think i might be knee deep in mental problems
started reading da vinci code, ok so far
i scratch my scrotum, do you wanna smell?
anyway, i'm running away now

of course i smile, i fucking have to you bleach

OMG... i got a fucking LAND OF THE DEAD POSTER! thanks to mel! yay! and jason's sketches are just what i had in mind. other than that i work at movie warehouse, so come rent some movies you bitches...cuz i'm bored most of the fucking time i'm there. and it'll feed the charity of my tattoos...muhahaha. and beer. yep, but i'm bored - looking forward to being on the road and going back to b-town to see the parents, and get my glasses (and contacts). my stomach hurts, maybe i should sleep and eat...at the same time. i'm not oh-fucking-kay.

kill those germs, spotless and clean

this is a rant

right now, i feel so uncontent. and i don't know why, maybe i'm just getting bored with the way things are, or maybe i'm just growing up and not really wanting to. you know how those things are. and plus my dreams just keeping reoccuring with the same theme. i don't know why, maybe what i really want and what i really need were things always in front of me but i gave them up, who the fuck knows...not me that's for damn sure. i find myself slipping into that little cubby hole again, waiting for some light to shine through, so far there's not a single ray of light. and i just want to do nothing. i mean, i want to write out that story for jason, which by the way with both came up with and is fucking awesome. and i want to just sit around and relax and be comfortable, watch movies and chill. maybe i'm just too fickle, certainly a bullet to the brain would stop that, but that's beside the point. it seems just when you think you have yourself figured out, something rears it's ugly head up and throws everything off so fucking much. i miss my friends, and they're all off in their different towns, some of which i have no idea where to get to. and also, there's not a fucking thing to do here in richmond, sometimes i think i'd be happy in bardstown, even though there's nothing there for me. man, i really hope some of the guys really want to get an apartment next summer, cuz that'd be awesome, especially since we wouldn't hafta worry about dorm staff and all that stupid shit. and we could be relatively loud. i dunno, i just don't wanna live at home w/ my parents, i'm getting too old for that. and i don't want my friends to leave. but i guess eventually that's what happens with people, they move out of your life...and that's just a process of growing up. it just sucks cuz i've had so much fun since i've been in college, and to think that one day all that's gonna end, and me and my friends will all have to go our separate ways. oi that's a headache and heartache and a half. stupid brain, why do you have to think and torture me so. at least i do have a job and that'll get my out of the small ass apartment for chunks of time on end. i dunno, sometimes i think me and her are too much alike, sometimes i think it's just right. maybe we've just been taking things way too fucking fast. but hey, if you don't take it fast then you'll waste time on someone who's not it if you know what i'm saying. not to say i wasted three years...cuz that's not it...she was quite possibly it, but it's too late now, plus i have to grow up on my own before i clearly understand anything, if i grow up in love with someone, then i won't understand anything at all. sometimes i think wouldn't it be wonderful if i had no sex drive, then i wouldn't worry about love or sex or anything, and my computer would have more room for other things besides porn. i dunno, i'm just tired, i'm gonna go to sleep, wake me up in august when my friends get back.

aw shit now!

so i finally am getting a good grip on the new story in my head - also kudos to jayo w/ his creativity and mine, it's one fucked up ride...plus i really wanna see his concept sketches my dreams betray me i have a new love for noir narration, and that's exactly what i'm looking for in this new storyline...i feel something w/ this...it's gonna be bigger than i hope, ha ha - the breakthrough

all these people...staring...what do they want from me

i am inspired to write once more...yay - and maybe this time i won't fall short...and maybe this summer i can focus more on some of my stories

the calamity bunny marches on it my brain again

i think too much, especially while i'm bored, and i don't know what to do. i always get to this point eventually and there's no point to being this way, i should know by now the whole truth and nothing but the truth...my mind pollutes me and i'm all up inside myself wondering what i'm being this way. i dunno. and you can't control your dreams, they just keep getting weirder and weirder...and continue to make no sense, i mean i'm used to weird dreams but jesus h. christ - i'm waking up from these. maybe i'm just getting a little down cuz it's summer, and summer means that all the friends i've made here are all going away...heh, i never knew i liked 'em all so much.

OMG tiring weekend full of much amaze

first off - concerts friday John Prine w/ special guest Leroy Redbone Leroy Redbone: caught about 20 minutes of the guy, bluesy, and freaggin' awesome John Prine: fucking awesome with all his good ancedotes and anti-war/anti bush ness, i love folk music/singers saturday Melt Banana w/ Shipping News, Breather Resist & Hot Cross: hot cross was first...they were okay w/ they're philly hardcore sound...breather resist was pretty fucking good, and they yelled at the ninja thrashers telling them that they were fucking stupid, which was funny/awesome as hell, then shipping news was pretty amazing b/c they were all really good musicians and had a few instrumental songs, which is always good in my book...and m.b. fucking amazing, just a good show that they put on, and made my ears bleed, not literally, but you know...and i took some pics of them performing and through it all i have my lucky golden buhdda (sp?) good deal ;)

ack, not having a computer makes things difficult

anywho, so my computer's still fucked...just my luck - but it doesn't really matter b/c i'm never in the dorm room but it would be nice to rape the LAN connection one last time before school's out oh, some news - i got busted for sharing...video game roms - who would've thought...i certainly didn't fuckin' shit is all i could think b/c roms usually aren't that big a deal, but i guess now they're throwing shit storms over anything 'copyrighted' ya know, if it were really the people making the shit losing out on money...especially since i've only got games for systems that're out of date...i wouldn't do it, but that's not the case, so pfft and i've been spending a lot of time with a wonderful wonderful girl ;) recap: thursday - melissa's apartment warming party...good deal, fun fun fun friday - saw kung fu hustle, hung out w/ melissa's after she got off work saturday - rocky horror picture show...and enjoyed it sunday - max and relax accomplishments - beat resident evil 4 for a second time

my revelation is probably the last chance for your redemption

i realize sometimes how things can become really tense between two people, and it's stupid to say the least. it's so easy to throw out words and fists and maybe things around you, but what's the point...really? two days from now, someone's just gonna be talking about you thinking you're a fucking psycho...and eventually you'll end up pissing someone off that doesn't need to be pissed off, hopefully they'll check your ass before you do something really stupid. i don't know what i'm really trying to say... maybe i'm just saying, that people should really grow up every now and then, and stop being such a baby about everything, and that goes for me as well, but i'm tired of hearing about people that're supposed to be adults (20+ cuz that's when you're really considered an adult in psychological terms) acting like fucking spoiled brats, and if you think i'm talking about you...some person(s)...you're fucking wrong. there's just all these stories that float about that i hear, and they're really stupid... maybe it's just i know things i shouldn't know... maybe people need to grow up and when someone's happy that they just couldn't make happy...they should let that person be happy if they really "care" about them so much, it doesn't make sense to me...but i can't say anything b/c i fucked with a person or two in my day for being selfish, but the important thing is i realize this now...and i feel so dumb for not noticing it sooner, ack, sometimes i really do get annoyed by myself maybe i'm just annoyed by ignorant people right now...who think i search for dirt...but maybe i'm just fucking bored, cuz that's the case most of the time, i'm just fascinated of the knit networking amongst people b/c you can go on here and find people on the same friend's lists, but they don't even know each other...it's just an interesting thing for me, and so i always do some searching on the internet, once again to reiterate, b/c i'm fucking bored...and you can find out exactly what these people are like (or what the put out) in all kinds of depth...but then some people get pissed off just b/c you fucking read something, and maybe you have an opinion...i don't care who has an opinion and cares to tell me, so i think the same of other people, but i guess other's can be uptight just b/c they don't like me... and maybe i'm just tired of uneducated people that'd rather kick you in the face than shake your hand and get to know you, i dunno...there's just things i guess i'll never understand cuz i'm genuinely a nice person...for the most part, but i can be a dick, just not so much to someone i don't know...i dunno maybe it's just me....is it?

loose lips sink ships, but how? i really wanna fuckin' know that

ya know i've come to realize that i don't exactly post on my blog nearly as much, so i guess i'm not nearly as annoying, ha ha. i guess it's just when you're happy you know that everyone knows it cuz it's just one of those things that glimmer off you like you had baby oil rubbed all over your body and your running around in the humid sun...you just shine, ha ha. and when you're down you want everyone to know, even though you don't want to admit to it, b/c you want people to sympathize and empathize and be all sorry for the poor little boy/girl. hoping someone might step up and help you make things better. i dunno, circumstances are just weird like that i guess. anyway, i really stink - and my room is fucking hot. so i think i'm gonna asphyxiate on my own stench if i don't shower. laters kiddos.

no one could tear my heart out quite like you, but bones did a good job of making it look good

so i got another tattoo, finally. and i went up to like no other in richmond, turns out the guy who put ink on me (bones) had a run in w/ the other guy that did my other tattoo (adam perry). let's just say they don't like each other...ha ha, so now i have a tattoo by each rival...but for all the records, bones seriously seems a lot cooler, not so much of a dick like adam...cuz he'd be all quiet, but bones - he was cool shit. anywho...i'll throw some pics up: image close w/ hairy chest image further back w/ better view of hairy chest THEN I DECIDED TO SHAVE AS NOT TO LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT close up sans the hairy chest further back sans the hairy chest and also i'll say other things, mel is now my g/f...woot that's pretty awesome. plus there have been other WOW events in my life lately that just make me feel lucky to be alive, and i've been chillin' w/ josh, james, hanna, raych (the old crew) plus i met erin and made melissa tag along, and everyone gets along, that's fuckin' awesome. right now, life is good - and that doesn't happen too much in the life of a jew that's named tristan...so you guys...smile.

happier than that silly rabbit when he actually got some fucking trix

turns out i didn't miss my NAT 101 test...woot, but i'm still not doing well in that class...maybe after they average the lab and lecture i'll be in the clear...now to worry about psychology. also...i like melissa, she is the bee's knees ;) laters kids. p.s. i want more sometree dammit, fuckin' germans and their hard to find shit in america...i kill someone in front of they own momma to get another cd or two...prolly all...

and this is me with my heart on my sleeve

the weekend has been great, drinking and sleeping and eating. you know how it goes. i'm quite smitten to say the least, ha ha. so instead of putting down a play by play of everything i'll just say...it was grood (good & great, great & good). argh, i'm kicking myself in the ass right now cuz i do believe that i missed a test in nat 101 which is the only class i'm failing surprisingly. and i've missed english 102 for the 7th time in a row. gd, i'm getting so fucking careless and lazy about school. but seriously this is gonna be the last time i fail any classes due to fucking lack of whatever...bah. and someone it still doesn't matter, and i'm still happy - ha ha. ya know, can't say i saw this coming about two weeks ago. it's really amazing how things can just change like a current so quickly. and it's nice and refreshing that i'm not the only person in the world that's comfortable with with being so open and up front about pretty much everything. the only thing is i wish she'd let me fucking pay for dinner and not worry about it, ha ha. ;) but other than that, she's really great, like blindsided me in a gruesome car wreck great...but that's not great unless you're a little off like me. le sigh. alright well...i think a shower would do me pretty good about now, wake me up a little more and what not, so yeah.

you fill in the blank, and i'll finish the rest

wrote something today and figured i'd put it up "Writing Poetry In Old Constellations" I can't help myeslf, I'm staring because I can see the sparkles in your eyes As complicated and beautiful as the constellations in a midnight sky I never knew I liked brown, until I met you You say you're just full of shit, I guess I like shit too And nothing you could say would scare me away I enjoy each passing day that you cast a shadow next to mine It might've rained for a few days but the puddles held smiles when I looked down And your face burned in my retinas from the most brilliant smile I've seen in ages You still take my breath away just thinking of laying beside you with your head on my chest It took so long to touch your face, but I must confess it was well worth the wait Let's make magnetic poetry, you choose the words, I'll do what I can How about we get a few drinks in us, and try again Somehow you make me sweeter than I am, but you taste sweeter than I'll ever be And as the hours fade away into this new day, I stare at the gum on the ceiling As we play our stupid little game, bodies together, fingers all tangled If you lean into me, I'll lean back If you're hungry, I'm buying If you like Dutch, that's fine But don't expect me to give up on chivalry

nobody messes with the best and lives to tell about it

well i have had one of the most enjoyable nights ever...i met new people which were really cool...and got to hang out with one great person that just made the night even better. and we talked mostly, and it was such a great night...from about midnight to close to five, then we fell asleep. and today we woke up at 11ish and i didn't come back here til about 3:15 or so...and man, i've never wanted to just lie in bed so much, ha ha, i'm such a loser.

i'll let this cadence carry me...far far away...and maybe this boy's soul will return again

i saw sin city last night bitches, and it was awesome to say the least, and it stuck (from what i could tell) straight to the graphic novels. and the best part is there's this awesome girl that got me in. what words can i put here that i haven't told her...ha ha. she's one of those people that makes me feel nervous and somehow comfortable, my palms sweat and my legs jumps up and down, and yet i'm still peaceful around her, not so figity. but i an a mess around her...she's really intelligent and has a really awesome sense of humor...not to mention that she's attractive, very attractive. and at the same time she's so weird, not bad weird like i collected bugs and name each one, but like i never expected the answers i get to the questions i ask her, which is awesome (i feel like i'm using that word too much), and she's a big dork like me, ha ha. that's always a plus. a good week that just get's better...oh, and yesterday i went to Palmer Idol, kinda just a small talent show...but i got to see eric perform, he's the man, but i closed my eyes and listened to the song he played, and i liked it a lot...then i finally got to hear janine sing...and she was freaggin' awesome, it makes me wanna listen to jazz more often, ha ha - not that i don't every now and then - i love me some etta james or billie holiday. alright well, i'm gonna go izzeat and fence for the rest of the day until the tournament which starts tonight, got i hope i don't fucking lose real fast, i'm too compentative, ha ha...i'll kill someone and their momma!

i hate hookers, but i love me a couple sluts...what!?

so monday night i was fucking wasted and decided to take pictures of myself with my phone...they're horrible - so i figured i'd post 'em for some self degradation...ha ha this is the best drunk picture ever...^ the first pic...i'm surprised i'm so ugly, ha ha - total napoleon face i was gonna say fuck the concentration pic the sXe angry face, ha ha - please, no one kick my ass, i'm joking i was at the end of actually saying fuck you...ha ha - the best one james helping josh...or something - i can't remember and drum roll... josh's drunken hand stand - he held it for like 5 minutes...amazing

meat packers u.s.a., providing brains for all you zombie bastardos

i need a two week vacation from life...with 18 gallons of booze just for me.

i'm gonna put some shit in a bag, set in of fire, and throw it at you

not a whole lot going on here, me and jason re-situated the room cuz he wanted to be next to me playing on the pc...or just be closer to the television...ha ha. biology was boring like always but quite entertaining at the same time, i blame professor maki. either way i squeezed out another whatever and i guess i'll put it up, even though i'm not quite sure if i like it or not. i <3 unhappy endings. "Something When I Thought There Was Nothing" Somehow it seems these lines can’t conquer all anymore I need a nice therapeutic smile, but not any smile will do Just yours, but you’re nowhere near enough so that I can see I seem to keep turning my head around And reliving the mistakes I’ve made But there’s nothing I can do about it now Except swim in pools of regret Regret in which I should believe in And maybe the rain will wash the previous days away Maybe it’ll help better days sprout, possibly from the ground But I’ll be sure to keep my eyes open, so I won’t miss a thing I can’t help, though, to reminisce And fill my empty heart with those memories Memories I once willingly gave up As an inexperience child, so all afraid But now I wish I could turn things around Should some things tear out of my back now, creating gashing wounds Ripping through the soft skin, matted down with gooey blood I would be less surprised as you, but much more in pain Would you sew my gashes for me so I won’t die? Will you smile for me as I lay helpless for a while?

if depression was sexy, the ladies would be all up ons

the logical things kill me. and admitting that i'm the worse choice hurts my self esteem, not that i had much, but in a way it's redeeming to know i'm not such an asshole as i always think i am. but i still regret so much, and feel even worse for it. it wasn't all painful though, it was nice to see her again, she's a really great person, and i'm glad that there's someone that's with her and will never give up on her, and that's someone she really deserves. i do wanna meet the guy and buy him dinner or something just b/c...some things did happen that i don't regret but i feel bad for...and he's worried about my emotional standings, that is a REALLY good guy there...and i'm glad he's with her. as for me...i'll just stay where i am, which is no where...and go places that hold no memories for me...that should keep me happy, or at least convinced.

silence > words?

I said: "It's not that I don't want you...it's that you're not mine to have." you say: "Nicely said...but I was." then you got out of the car, and that was that....but I wanted to say: "Yeah, and that's something I have to live with now. The guy that doesn't believe in regrets...now is relishing quite possibly one of the biggest regrets in his life. But that's what I get." and that is what I get...you can't control you're feelings and i thought there weren't any, until i saw you again

i am the ruiner of life, and the eater of souls

oh my fucking christ, i am so confused right now. do i do the logical thing, the smart thing and just leave it alone. or do i do the gut instinct thing that'll prolly end up maybe being a mess, maybe not...i don't know what to fucking do. just wanna bore a hole in my head so i wouldn't think about it so much, ACK.

Hey, Hayley - i got something for ya

how come everything i touch dies and fades away? please please tell me, somebody

this is the simplest post ever...why the fuck am i part of a heartless, spineless piece of shit gender, who always fuck something up for the rest of their side of the species...fucking bastards.

thank you for sewing me back together, even though you cut out my fucking heart

warning: very emo rite now i don't understand why but i feel like shit so much, my chest hurt and i'm praying for the sweet release of death...maybe it's just b/c i've been eluding my depression so much lately, drowning it in alcohol which i'm sure isn't good, but i don't drink to escape, i drink b/c i like being drunk. but when i'm drunk i do just about anything...like make out with a girl and two guys at the same time and the two guys are my good friends...but it's not really weird, it's just weird if you can get what i'm saying. but back to the point...i'm empty...like a plastic cup...and very vulnerable which isn't good. i'm afraid that i might make a mad dash to cope and fill the hole inside of me...it's happened before and just hurt other people...maybe i'm just stupid and i should be on meds ya know, but i feel those rob me of who i really am, and don't really help me at all - i mean i tried effexor xr, zolft, prozac, and some other shit and it didn't work - i was still depressed but very very robotic and emotionless. it sucked. i was asked what my philosphy on life was, and what i think/want out of life (i'm pretty sure but i could be wrong) and when i'm put on the spot, i fucking suck out loud at answer, especially with someone new b/c believe it or not i'm still nervous and shy... my philosphy: i try and live one day to the next, knowing that one day will not be like the next and to appreciate everything that happens b/c it's amazing just to be alive and feel those things, even though the pain may hurt, even though my heart may not come back to me...it's all life and whatever happens happens there's no point in regretting things but just knowing what's going on around and being respectful enough to yourself and others around you that you won't have to worry about feeling regret, b/c when you regret something, it's pointless b/c there's nothing you can really do to atone for those original actions or words, but you can come close if you have heart. what i think about life: life is shit, but it's life and you only have one, so just hold your nose and just go for it, live. what i want out of life: now that's something i'm not sure about, i want love - i've had an idea of it, and i know i've felt it, but i want it to stay around instead of getting here, then just teasing me by running away. i wanna know that i was important to at least one person. i want to be able to help anyone in need. i want to be able to be so selfless that i don't care about being remembered for any good actions i did after i die. and i want to be in a band that plays loud and hard every night, and doesn't care how many people counted at the door, travel one million miles and ask for nothing more than a plate of food and a place too rest. i guess in the very vaguest of an answer i could say that out of life, i just want to live. i still feel like shit, but i guess it's something to get used to, i mean every day has been the same in the end...i'm always trying to convince myself i'm all up and happy, but i'm not - and i put on a front for most people so they: a) don't worry about me b) don't think i'm weak or fucked up. i can't stand pity. i appreciate empathy, but don't waste your time it's pointless to feel anything for a guy like me. but if anyone has any fucking questions they wanna ask with a heart filled answer that i can give...then ask...cuz i need some kind've release other than poetry right now.

actions speak louder than words, so i guess that why the gunshot is still ringing in my ears

i was at my sister's house and my parents were talking, about stupid shit that i don't care about, but i listening anyway, and i've had an hour and a half to think about what was said...but it just comes down to actions speak louder than fucking words. and anyone who claims their actions mean nothing...they have to lie to themselves i guess, i could see how words can mean nothing, b/c when you're angry you can say things you don't mean...but actions...when you punch someone in the face...you either don't like them very much, or you want to share the great joy of life with them (it's a weird thing, the second one, but yeah)...actions always have motives hidden underneath motives...and there's depth, but words are just on the surface...i could go into some much more with this, but i have a feeling i rant too much, especially on here. but am i the only mother fucker that understands this...ACTIONS > WORDS - urgh!

feasting on life

interesting weekend...met a new person, that i barely knew, and got drunk with them, and of course the usual crew...and it was fun. and the person i might add was really cool, hopefully we could hang out again. then josh, james, beth & me went to a show in nowhere fucking london, most of the bands were good, but the best were definitely a suburban blood drive (fuckin' a sean) and leave it at the door. plus the after party, which was a little crazy and debaucherous, but that's all good. and met a few new characters...which were really awesome, and one guy that was fuckin' insane, plus at about 8 this morning sean said something i have to quote cuz it kicks so much ass on a talk about breasts being good and not knowing why: "Why is the sky blue? Why are boobs good? Why does Freddy Mercury wear a fucking leotard with the chest cut out? Because it's fucking awesome!" i couldn't breathe after i heard that, but i was really hammered too and man, this week has been a week of jager, and i love it - definitely my alcohol of choice, THANK YOU JAMES & CASEY (and beth) FOR THE JAGER THIS WEEK! next week(end) it's on my indefinitely guys. alright well i gotta go home, so i'll catch you fruity kiddos laters.

so kiss my lips and black my eyes - that way i could feel the best of both worlds

Put an 'X' next to what you have accomplished, blank the rest. Then REPOST, not REPLY.. (-)= maybe/somewhat (x) snuck out of the house (X) gotten lost in your city (X) saw a shooting star ( ) been to any other countries besides Canada (x) had a serious surgery (X) gone out in public in your pajamas (x) kissed a stranger (X) hugged a stranger (x) been in a fist fight ( ) been arrested ( ) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose (X) pushed all the buttons on an elevator (x) swore at your parents (x) been in love (X) been close to love (x) been to a casino ( ) been skydiving ( ) been scuba diving ( ) broken a bone (x) been high (x) skinny-dipped (X) skipped school (x) flashed someone - with my man boobs (x) saw a therapist (x) played spin the bottle (x) gotten stitches ( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour (X) bitten someone ( ) been to Niagara Falls (X) gotten the chicken pox (X) gotten poison ivy (X) kissed a member of the opposite sex (x) kissed a member of the same sex (x) crashed into a friend's car ( ) been to Japan (X) ridden in a taxi (X) been dumped (x) shoplifted ( ) been fired (X) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back ( ) gone on a blind date (X) lied to a friend (x) had a crush on a teacher ( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans ( ) been to Europe ( ) slept with a co-worker (x) slept with anyone ( ) been married ( ) gotten divorce ( ) had children (x) seen someone die (X) had a close friend die ( ) been to Africa (x) Driven over 400 miles in one day ( ) Been to Canada ( ) Been to Mexico ( ) Been to Hawaii ( ) Seen a volcano ( ) Been on a plane (x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show in theater ( ) Thrown up in a bar (x) Purposely set a part of myself on fire ( ) Eaten sushi (x) Been skiing/snowboarding (X) Been camping (x) Been camping in the snow (X) Met someone in person from the internet ( ) lost a child (X) gone to college ( ) graduated college (x) done hard drugs (x) tried killing yourself (x) thought about killing yourself (x) fired a gun (X) purposely hurt yourself (X) taken painkillers (x) literally kissed someones ass (X) loved someone or missed someone (x) drank till you've passed out (x) done a "triple kiss" (X) snuck out of your house

i'm bleeding from the gash between my shoulders

only thing that's important to state is i've failed, and i don't care...not anymore...you just can't understand can you? it doesn't really matter though, cuz i don't feel sensations anymore, i guess there was a window that was open, and now it's been shut. or at least it feels that way. i could say a lot of things, but words are pointless right now. i just wanna stop feeling so empty most of the time, like when i let myself think about it, god i'm tired of playing it off like there's nothing inside me burning for some out of control adventure...something to break me into pieces. and i'm not talking about a girl breaking my heart. i want everything to dissipate and fade. god, anxiety sucks so bad...you'd think a person would get atoned to it, and then be fine...but now it's going on a six month rampage in my life tracing my footsteps if it falls behind. and worrying about you doesn't help. i mean i love hanging out, but seriously you don't get it, and i'm never gonna say this to you, but if you can't get past the him then yeah...i'm sorry. i can't wait around forever and you can't see what's in front of you...it's really dumb of you, but i'm not calling you dumb - we can't control our emotions, that's all i really want to say, but if you need a warm body - i'm usually pretty warm, but i can't do that forever either. and you shouldn't feel bad, it's just that having a mainly boring week made me think a lot, especially about you, and i don't know if it's the same. but i'm always here to hear what you have to say, and i really do know exactly how you feel, it's not easy being smitten with someone who's hopelessly fallen for a guy that will never work...and she can't seem to realize it. but that's the complication to life...and your day today...it's kinda my life, but i put on a smile so people don't care about me. god, anxiety sucks. but kiddos and kids don't worry about me i'm a big boy i can take care of myself, i have thus far and i haven't died. so i'm good. be good and happy st. pattys day you bitches. we should all drink together and sing merry songs of mother ireland, ha ha.

love is an excuse to get hurt, so hurt me, so hurt me

today, i think i gave up...i mean i don't know, it's kinda weird the way i feel about it, cuz i'm indifferent to the whole thing. it was something that i probably shouldn't have started b/c i know now there is no point. i'm lost right now...i have no idea of what i should do, if i feel like it, or if there's a point. oh well, i just know i should enjoy this moment because so far not many of these moments have happened, i'm used to being so passionate about anything i do, so when the passion's gone and the fire slowly died down and out, i don't think i'm going on anymore.

does anyone wanna have some casual sex?

ha, well if you do find someone to have it with, cuz i'm saving myself for marriage ha ha, joking - don't mean to offend anyone out there. but i'm a little weary b/c i don't know if the p.a. is completely ready for that. but anyway, i wrote something new that i thought i'd put up here, and i don't know why i always post poems i write, it's just something to do...and i don't post all of the ones i write, just ones that i end up liking a lot. so if you don't like 'em don't fucking read 'em holmes. alright without any more suspense for something so horrible "Fill Up The Tallest Glass You Got" Not one more word tonight and hush those tired lips Because the weak words laid down as the foundation for whatever you wanted it to be Is making its way to demolished concrete And whatever husk of a human being you’ve made out of me Will be caught in the weakest wind and taken far far away from here Dragging its feet every time it catches the cold ground It used to be, a simple glowing smile is all we’d need To understand the problems, and come to a good conclusion But now, we know, these problems’ll never be solved So what’s that point of trying to conquer them all at all? Well I’ve said I’m sorry, and I’ve apologized for the last time These shoes were made for walking, and that’s what they’ll do From now on ‘til the end of time, when each day is through What could’ve been said to To make it survive all this time? What should’ve been done to To help us not forget Who we are? Who we were? What we were doing here? It’s turned into the simple cliché When you’re outta sight, you’re out of mind

and your life is on meds

well let me say murder by death was awesome, codeseven was really good, voice in the wire was good, and scenic view - eh, pop punk b.s. - and the other stuff wasn't bad like, petticoat petticoat which have a myspace account, and the singer/guitarist has his little solo thing that reminded me of bright eyes. all in all, definitely worth $5. then finding waffle house was fun, and the makeout party, which i didn't makeout at, was fun. i met a lot of cool kids and got invite to a guy named jon's b-day party in london. and had a drunken 15 year old try to make out with me and lean all over me, but it's okay cuz she was really plastered, and she kept apologizing...i kinda felt bad for her. all in all, good day without drinking...what?

i hath lowered my ears

i got a hair cut, totally razored my head all up, or did i? you'll just have to wait and find out, muhahahaaha i bet the suspense is killing you so bad.

whoa, today didn't suck that bad

boredom is not the word of the day today...woot. i actually had to pick up my nephew and watch him for about an hour, which equals putting a movie in until mom came home. then i went to NCHS to talk to mr. bradley and i'm gonna go back prolly friday and exchange some poetry with him, which is really awesome that he even wanted to, cuz i've looked up to this guy for a few years, and now he's kinda treating me like a peer...weird...so i'm flattered to say the least...and if he actually enjoys my poetry...then shit...i don't know what i'd say cuz i respect his opinion so much...man i sound so gay, like i'm in love with him, ha ha, but anyone that knows him like i do knows a fucking cool he really is, so yeah. then me and josh went to b-town road, after jess dumped us for her family...bleh - j/k. but i got i <3 huckabees, and have yet to watch it, and even better, i got the second VHS of aeon flux, so now i have every effin' episode ever, muhahahaha. then we went to the great escape and josh got the fucking hush series...that bastard...but he said he'd let me read 'em after he was done, so cool beans. and then to ear-x-tacy (b/c no trip to the strip is complete without it, even when i was on a beer run in louisville, we stopped in the parking lot) and josh is getting tired of punk and wanted to know some good blues...so obviously i point him to bb king and muddy waters...so he bought the latter and we jammed in the car...which i'm sure was quite the funny funny. then i dropped him off and so far called it a night...but iian called wanting to go do something and never called back...slacker...ha ha i kid. gotta hang with him before break's over with cuz i'm not sure how often i'll be coming home before school's out for summer (alice cooper). but yeah, i'm sure i'll post a little bit more when i get bored later. so laters kids.

i reinvented axl rose

i just finished i <3 huckabees, awesome movie...weird too. but generally good and not anything like i expected...and naomi watts is hot...usually i don't get into blondes that much, but dude - maybe it's just an australian thing, ha ha. but now, for the i'm bored philo blog, i'm sorry for anyone who actually reads all this shit, cuz it's gotta be hella boring for you. i woke up today with a smile on my face and i knew that i was dreaming about you, it was the first time in a while that i had smelled that smell, your smell, god i love smells. they always take me back, and i can almost feel you next to me, or your head in my lap and i run my fingers through your hair, man - you hair is awesome, nice and silky and smooth and it always smelled so good. i always feel so alone when i think about it though, i feel like something is unsaid or unfinished, and i wonder if we'll ever get a chance to finish it, or should we...maybe it's just best as is. man, i feel so old thinking about it. but come to think about it, i've always felt so old - guess it's just in my soul, arthritis and all that junk. i also wanted to tell you something, i thought about you today, first time in what seems like a little while...but the days turn into eternity nowadays, hours are years, i guess that's life. i guess that's the aftermath of boredom. and i had a nice chat today too, i realized things about you that you mislead about, hell i don't even know if you're perceptive about the things you do, but i notice...and i know i don't read into it too far, you just don't credit it enough and you try to play it off, running away. so run far away, i'll just wait cuz i know there's something worth waiting for, cuz i don't get this feeling sturred up inside me much...so it's a good enough reason to explore. and if you'll let me we could explore this together...i'm sure at least something good will come of it, or something pleasurable. man, today's the first day i haven't been riddled with thinking and i'm actually not so pessimistic and deathly bored to tears...don't get me wrong though, i'm still bored. when someone's as lonely as you, will you sleep? i guess i'll try now... but come to find out - there is still one more aeon flux tape that i do not yet own...but she will soon be mine!

black heart, leaking oil in pan

i see you in my dreams even though i don't see you anymore...there's a lot of things that have happened inside my heart and inside my head, and being bored for two fucking days makes you think a lot, and i usually make sure i don't think much anymore just b/c thinking always sucks for me. but i've been thinking about you and i've been thinking about life...and what i wanna do with life. it's funny cuz i've always felt i've been waiting for something huge and important...and i've always been confused to what possibly that was, but i think i have a better idea now. and i feel when i find that, then i'll be able to be who i'm gonna be. i've also been thinking about fate a lot too, and destiny...maybe i've met people for a reason and all that jazz, and i do things for people for a reason, nothing hugely special, but small details i over look and reasons that i don't understand but there's a reason for everything, and i'm trying to figure out a reason why i met you and fell for you at all. maybe i've just over analyzing things...but you're awesome and so are everyone that you've introduced me too. it's really cool, and since i've known you my mind has opened so much, and i've been way too nice. but i guess that's me...the nice guy gettin' 'f'ed in the 'a'. i wanna be an asshole, and i feel like an asshole a lot of the time, but i know that simply isn't me and simply isn't true. i'm just too impatient and i always look too deep into something so simple. but life is too short for me to waste time not worrying, and not trying to find what i'm looking for. i dont' know...i'm not making any sense, ha ha - and i think i'm a loser for being like the only person posting blogs on spring break...good zombie god. well, aqua teen will always comfort me...oh yeah, i also watch the notebook, and it was really good - sad and sweet and well written, but serious i'm not a girl and i'm not gay - i'm just sensitive *sighs with a tear in eye* ha ha. laters kiddos.

well now...

I am worth $93,272,036.31 for one night of wild lovin'! How much are you worth? Get my worth I am worth $1,807,430.00 on HumanForSale.com holy shit, i knew i was good in bed but shit, 93 million, i need to get like that on a billboard or a shirt or something...that's expensive, ya know i'm thinking fuck college now...i'm gonna whore myself out...ha ha.

eh...i'm really fucking bored

i promise the only reason i'm posting so much is b/c i'm fucking bored, and it's only monday - god i hope this isn't a foreshadowing of the rest of the week. adult swim's on it's second run, and i'm so effin' bored...to be repetitive, so i wrote something to ease my mind, i've already spent an hour on a sketch that sucks, and too long surfin' myspace lookin' at profiles of people that i go to EKU with, and i think i wanna watch a movie and surf the net some more. anywho, i think i'll post that thing i wrote, that's kinda like a poem. "Untitled, But Just For You Anyway" If I clawed my eyes out once more, it would be for no reason These eyes I have long only to see you once again And if they gave up sight, then they'd imagine you Your skin, your hair, every single curve of your body If I cut my hands off, it would spawn stupidity They long only to touch you Your soft silky skin, soft soft hair Like a gentle breeze of wind These shadows draw nearer and the moon is bright These tree loom closer, under the pale moonlight We are here, alone, stranded and possibly forsaken But if I look in your eyes, I feel no fear If I look into your beautiful eyes, I don't care about fear Because nothing could touch us Nothing would ever harm us If we're already lost inside each other there ya go, now seriously i need to do something else that just fucking sit here and be bored, i might go find some booze at iian's cuz they said they were gonna drink tonight...or maybe...i should just dare to dream...maybe about you...maybe about me...maybe i won't dream anymore...i think i'd like it that way.

holla at a brotha

i know i said in cognito for a week, i guess i lied. well i got back friday night and did a whole lot of nothing, dropped a couple of kids off and went home spent some time with my mom and pretty much went to sleep. thinking constantly, then i got up and came over my friends, iian's, house. people kept having to run and get other people, and me and josh had to go get some jim beam black label. ha ha. there was this 16 girl over that was drunk and kept telling me how hot i was, and i thought it was funny, but she ended up getting sick, so me and zach took care of her before she had to go home. ha ha. i felt bad for her, i was a little drunk, but nothing much and that was about 12 shots over 5 hours...not bad - but i'm sad that liquor is losing it's affect on me...god damn, oh well - just have to get more beer, ha. but yeah, i think we're gonna run and do something now, cuz i jacked iian's laptop to surf the net b/c i was bored. he's playing the new GTA, josh is playing iian's street fighter 2 arcade, and b-rizzle is sleeping. i think we're gonna make a movie. ha ha. alrigh kids. i'll see ya later, i might be back again this week. but hopefully i'll be too plastered to move.

acid for brains and a cold black heart

i'm tired, so tired - i'm stretched so thin. ha ha, that was weezer - and this is me: (forewarning, i'm not mr. happy pants) it doesn't matter how many times i tell myself it's nothing, and i'm nothing, cuz i don't ever believe it, i try to convince myself i'm alright - and i tell everyone that i'm just tired and not depressed, beer couldn't even sate my feelings, maybe that's a good thing, then i won't turn into an alcoholic cuz i seem to usually almost feel like this. maybe it's my fault though, for playing it so coy. but i didn't want anything to fuck up, i didn't want to ruin a chance that could've happened, but now there's just 'what ifs' all through my fat head. so i'm just gonna say it now. ya know when i'm with you, my palms sweat, i get nervous, i'm used to being nervous and paranoid about the world around me, but it's not like that, i enjoy being nervous and a wreck when i'm around you, i like having that rush of insecurity, but it's not insecurity anymore, it's like wonder or awe, however you want to look at it. i don't know why, there's something about you that captivates me and draws me in, and i can never figure it out, cuz if i knew it, by now i would've convinced myself to destroy what it is i feel for you, but it's not that simple. there's things i feel that are seldom felt in my world. and so far, i don't know what to do. i wanna sit there and tell you all the things you make me feel, like when i'm with you - the world doesn't matter anymore, and i'm not so scared of anything, i'm just there with you - nothing else exists, no worries, no anxiety, nothing but a connection i can only focus on. and i can't tell you these things b/c i'm so afraid that you'll run away if i open up. maybe it would be too soon to open up, but there's only living fast, b/c you can die at anytime. then what would there be besides regret? i also wanna tell you that those things i wrote, they WERE for you, i didn't want to admit i knew them b/c i felt so stupid for being bored and reading up on your life, so i made a story to tell, i told it so well, but you didn't get to see my face...cuz my face always tells the truth. i haven't wrote anything like that in a while, b/c i've been so barren without inspiration, i don't care about things like that anymore, until i learned them again from you. it may sound cliche and recited, but it's not...i don't want to do anything but make you smile, and it sucks for me cuz...i freeze. i pick myself apart, thinking of ways i could make myself better, and that's not like me, usually what you get is what you see...and if you're lucky you see more inside me. maybe it's just karma, and i deserve this for so horrible crime i committed in a past life, or maybe it's just not my lucky day...but it would be a lie cuz i've already met you and gotten to know you and touch you, i already consider myself a lucky person for that. but maybe luck only goes so far before you have to pick up the rest and run with it, i guess i dropped luck, now i'm looking for the pieces...but luck doesn't shatter, it disappears. and maybe that's all there is to this fairy tale i've spent my time believing...unless you've found luck, then you should run with it. and hopefully it's far away from me, b/c if you're happy that's enough to be good news...but it's something i can't experience with you. you only live twice...but as for me, there's only one life, and that's the life i have to live b/c dreams, my friend, don't exist for me, not since i've been an adult. god, that was prolly depressing for all you out there in cyber land. but that's a glimpse inside my rotting heart...and you might think i'm being emo...but i'm not - heart disease runs in my family...ha ha, so fuck you all you cynical bastardos. and now i will go in cognito for about a week, so don't expect anything out of me, or from me. kiddos. if i wanna talk to you i'll get a hold of you. ha ha. and i apologize for the message being so long. i'm trying to make an inconsiderate person, a little more considerate.

urgh

i said until the day i die...and i guess i died today.

wtf mate?

i'm bored so i figured i'd start talking about nothing, and bug my 3 subscribers...ha ha. i'm such an effin' loser. anywho. there's a feeling in my chest that's hard to repress, so i just want some alcohol, and i wanna get out of ky for a little bit, just a change of scenery would be nice, change of underwear prolly wouldn't hurt, ha ha, j/k - or am i? and man, i really need to have some good sex, it's been a while for that - and i think if it were good, i could deal with a little pain from my piercing - ya know - it's one of those, you take one for the team, well my penis would take one...that was kinda dumb. anyway, i'm bored...still and this hasn't done anything to illeviate any of my boredom, so of a bitch....well i got fencing in two hourse, and i really don't wanna go - but you know what, i have to cuz it's a miss once class before you fail...and guess what - i missed once. i need some jager bitches. out.

another new one

well before i type the poem whatever in here i figured i'd put my life as of the last post, it's been ping pong fury. and i expect rain. what? anyway yeah, i haven't slept in my own bed for three days now...not that i'm complaining - i'm just wondering how long it takes before i'm annoying, cuz i know i'm annoying. anyway with that said spring break is almost here...and i don't really care. i'd actually rather stay here...but there's no reason to fight the inevitable, anywho title: "It's Snowing In March" The stars are bright tonight as I sit here As the cold air pushes up my back I think God damn, loneliness never felt so good It also never felt so bad as now I push the air out of my lungs into clouds in front of my face Maybe there's a little bit of me in them but somehow I doubt it I can't help putting my fingers to the air to retrace your outlines Hoping maybe that you'll appear in front of me like some tangible ghost I remember how your skin feels still, but it hasn't been that long Since I last closed my eyes and highlighted the surface of your body Sometimes I wish I could go back and reword some stupid things I said Or just never say them at all, stop blaming it on the alcohol And maybe I wouldn't feel like such an idiot, such a dork But words can never be erased once they've hit the air There's not a moment that I've forgot the feel of your lips But I wouldn't mind if my memory were refreshed And I can smell you on my clothes and skin I can still taste you on my lips, you're just like poison on my tongue And Every time I lay down I can still feel your hips pressed to mine It's a nice feelling, not being so physically alone, having that warm body Sliding softly against yours, still there when you wake up So I tell the stars now that I'll be alright The cold wind's gone back hom and I think aloud God damn, loneliness never felt so good If you'd really want to call it loneliness...well do you?

a new poem, like you fucking care though

i figured since i have nothing else to do right now, i'd post the poem, or lyrics - whatever it's all the same...that i wrote in NAT 101 ha ha, man i'm so gonna fail.
Title: Chivalry Isn't Dead (But It's Almost Gone)

Look at that silhouette that you wear so well
Without a care it's flawless like a dress
Hanging loosely but clinging in just the right spots I would tell you this but I'm afraid of that first kiss
Not complaining but scared of what it'd tell
Open me up like a story book and burn the pages all to hell
But I can tell that your footsteps are empty like your breaths
And when each step lands you hope it finds happiness
And I hope that too, just for you
You seem to smile on the outside, but on the inside...
The inside seems to crumble like Roman ruins I want to reach down and help pick up the pieces
But they disappear and reappear in front of my eyes
I don't know what it is that I should do
There is a forgetful happiness to your voice
But it's destroyed when you exchange words With someone that's afraid to admit how wonderful you are
To the whole world, he just tells you with whispers
So he can make you his mistress, a dirty little secret
Stuffed in the back of his pocket
Unappreciated, mis-used, and I can't stand it any longer
If you won't stand on your feet I will help you
But I can only be so strong, for so long
Before my legs collapse under the pressure of a selfless act
Maybe you'll notice and maybe you won't, but all that matters is I guess I tried to be there when you pretended to be okay
With all the daring you did to care about him
But there was more daring than you know, done just for you

*oh yeah, i forgot to mention - this is for Raychal...;)

the game of life

it's difficult to say which color car i'd be, cuz i forgot the colors, i'll just choose burgundy b/c that's the color car i have right now...and it's not much different looking from the actual piece, imagine that. maybe my whole life is just a fucking board game...maybe not. right now, i can't tell left from right...wait - i can, i'm just being difficult, plus the head cold's fuckin' me up. there's a point in one's life where they have to realize...maybe everything that they've thought their whole life just simply isn't true...maybe it's just some grand delusion brought about by watching too much movies...ya know. or maybe it's just all the acid creeping into the brain...after all isn't it like 12 hits before you're declared legally insane...? but then again...yeah. i feel so optimistic, and yet so down...i don't know where it comes from...maybe i'm having a period. and i'm sure some people would say, now tristan - you need to gather your thoughts and emotions...but that's not it here...i know what's going on around me, it took some sobering up to catch, i just wonder if it's like that dasboard song..."this ruined puzzle" it keeps playing in my head. i just wish that there were words i could say, to explain myself so thoroughly and that someone would believe me, i'm not lying, I AM FUCKING SINCERE, and it pisses me off to think that any other person of my species and gender could say such things that are so sincere, and lie. i've lied before, but not like things that have been said. and the guys that learn the poetic lines to recite to a gorgeous girl give guys like me a harder time, genuine creative guys that really do feel the things that they say. the human race is becoming a shitting pool of stupidity and idiocy and all the good people are stuck right in the middle of the swurl as we all head straight to the sewer. good god, i need something of happiness in my life for a while...ha ha...

i eat babies with rabies

yo, so on this side of the fence, there's nothing more than a few strains of virus floating around. seems like it's that time, that time to breathe in the air, and get so light headed. ha ha, which could be awesome...or not. anyway, i've been sitting here, bored as hell - changed some of the pics on my profile, to commemorate the holocaust, and it's prolly not the one you're all thinking about. fun weekend, weird too when i was sober...alcohol really messes or can mess with a person...or not - maybe it's just me being all lonely, well the night is over...my cd's skipping...and i'm hoping i won't remember one god damn thing. oh yeah, josh and me recorded a song...it's not too bad, but yeah.

i don't titled my stuff anymore

there's just no way to put into words the feelings and emotions of what i feel or why i feel the way i do, i'm sure no one cares, so i warn you now - this is not something you'll care to read. there is this pain growing within me like a parasite of some sort, i've beaten it for the past few days and now it's eating me alive - but you're you and i'm me, maybe it's just supposed to be that way. so now the cold wind'll creep up my back and i'll shudder, but god damn loneliness never felt so good, and it never felt so bad. it's moments like those that i hate to love to be alive. the room is cold now, like i'm trying to make my heart. love is a weakness, so by default that makes everything else the same. i'm tired of being so nice, cuz i get shit on for it. i'm tired of being so sensitive b/c i get nothing from it, just pain pain and more pain. i have a great friend who is fucking awesome, but the world just seems like shit right now. i need to cleanse my blood right now, i something other than this feeling. maybe i'm over dramatic, but then again maybe i'm just not really human and that's i feel the ways i do...god please don't let me human, cuz humans are so fucking careless and inconsiderate just like the people they hate. to be so blunt, so be so simple, so be so cliche - it would hurt less it you slit my throat, gouged out my eyes, and make me choke on my own black heart. it's so cold here, but i guess i should get used to it.

HOLY SHIT OMG!

since thursday i've been ripped with a some funny antedotes and what not. and met a lot of cool people, and one really super cool person, got a p.a. and have a brand new p.o.v. for a p.o.s. like me. ha ha, nah - but i won't go into details so you can lick me...and i can avoid inflating an ego...which is something i choose not to do right now.

i eat babies

I AM THE INSULT MASTER, I'M SO COOL!

I CAME FROM THE MOUNTAINS, FOR YOUR CHILDREN

well, i'm not longer a mountain man, or anything close...i just look like another pathetic emo kid...son of a bitch. and i bet it's gonna feel a whole lot colder too. well i just needed the change in appearance anyway - and plus food kept getting in it and shit.

ya know i figured i'd try something here - it's a comic i made for jesi and spent a butt load of time on, and it's huge, so i figured i'd try and put it on here...tell me what you think - should i make more?