i'll let this cadence carry me...far far away...and maybe this boy's soul will return again

i saw sin city last night bitches, and it was awesome to say the least, and it stuck (from what i could tell) straight to the graphic novels. and the best part is there's this awesome girl that got me in. what words can i put here that i haven't told her...ha ha. she's one of those people that makes me feel nervous and somehow comfortable, my palms sweat and my legs jumps up and down, and yet i'm still peaceful around her, not so figity. but i an a mess around her...she's really intelligent and has a really awesome sense of humor...not to mention that she's attractive, very attractive. and at the same time she's so weird, not bad weird like i collected bugs and name each one, but like i never expected the answers i get to the questions i ask her, which is awesome (i feel like i'm using that word too much), and she's a big dork like me, ha ha. that's always a plus. a good week that just get's better...oh, and yesterday i went to Palmer Idol, kinda just a small talent show...but i got to see eric perform, he's the man, but i closed my eyes and listened to the song he played, and i liked it a lot...then i finally got to hear janine sing...and she was freaggin' awesome, it makes me wanna listen to jazz more often, ha ha - not that i don't every now and then - i love me some etta james or billie holiday. alright well, i'm gonna go izzeat and fence for the rest of the day until the tournament which starts tonight, got i hope i don't fucking lose real fast, i'm too compentative, ha ha...i'll kill someone and their momma!

i hate hookers, but i love me a couple sluts...what!?

so monday night i was fucking wasted and decided to take pictures of myself with my phone...they're horrible - so i figured i'd post 'em for some self degradation...ha ha this is the best drunk picture ever...^ the first pic...i'm surprised i'm so ugly, ha ha - total napoleon face i was gonna say fuck the concentration pic the sXe angry face, ha ha - please, no one kick my ass, i'm joking i was at the end of actually saying fuck you...ha ha - the best one james helping josh...or something - i can't remember and drum roll... josh's drunken hand stand - he held it for like 5 minutes...amazing

meat packers u.s.a., providing brains for all you zombie bastardos

i need a two week vacation from life...with 18 gallons of booze just for me.

i'm gonna put some shit in a bag, set in of fire, and throw it at you

not a whole lot going on here, me and jason re-situated the room cuz he wanted to be next to me playing on the pc...or just be closer to the television...ha ha. biology was boring like always but quite entertaining at the same time, i blame professor maki. either way i squeezed out another whatever and i guess i'll put it up, even though i'm not quite sure if i like it or not. i <3 unhappy endings. "Something When I Thought There Was Nothing" Somehow it seems these lines can’t conquer all anymore I need a nice therapeutic smile, but not any smile will do Just yours, but you’re nowhere near enough so that I can see I seem to keep turning my head around And reliving the mistakes I’ve made But there’s nothing I can do about it now Except swim in pools of regret Regret in which I should believe in And maybe the rain will wash the previous days away Maybe it’ll help better days sprout, possibly from the ground But I’ll be sure to keep my eyes open, so I won’t miss a thing I can’t help, though, to reminisce And fill my empty heart with those memories Memories I once willingly gave up As an inexperience child, so all afraid But now I wish I could turn things around Should some things tear out of my back now, creating gashing wounds Ripping through the soft skin, matted down with gooey blood I would be less surprised as you, but much more in pain Would you sew my gashes for me so I won’t die? Will you smile for me as I lay helpless for a while?

if depression was sexy, the ladies would be all up ons

the logical things kill me. and admitting that i'm the worse choice hurts my self esteem, not that i had much, but in a way it's redeeming to know i'm not such an asshole as i always think i am. but i still regret so much, and feel even worse for it. it wasn't all painful though, it was nice to see her again, she's a really great person, and i'm glad that there's someone that's with her and will never give up on her, and that's someone she really deserves. i do wanna meet the guy and buy him dinner or something just b/c...some things did happen that i don't regret but i feel bad for...and he's worried about my emotional standings, that is a REALLY good guy there...and i'm glad he's with her. as for me...i'll just stay where i am, which is no where...and go places that hold no memories for me...that should keep me happy, or at least convinced.

silence > words?

I said: "It's not that I don't want you...it's that you're not mine to have." you say: "Nicely said...but I was." then you got out of the car, and that was that....but I wanted to say: "Yeah, and that's something I have to live with now. The guy that doesn't believe in regrets...now is relishing quite possibly one of the biggest regrets in his life. But that's what I get." and that is what I get...you can't control you're feelings and i thought there weren't any, until i saw you again

i am the ruiner of life, and the eater of souls

oh my fucking christ, i am so confused right now. do i do the logical thing, the smart thing and just leave it alone. or do i do the gut instinct thing that'll prolly end up maybe being a mess, maybe not...i don't know what to fucking do. just wanna bore a hole in my head so i wouldn't think about it so much, ACK.

Hey, Hayley - i got something for ya

how come everything i touch dies and fades away? please please tell me, somebody

this is the simplest post ever...why the fuck am i part of a heartless, spineless piece of shit gender, who always fuck something up for the rest of their side of the species...fucking bastards.

thank you for sewing me back together, even though you cut out my fucking heart

warning: very emo rite now i don't understand why but i feel like shit so much, my chest hurt and i'm praying for the sweet release of death...maybe it's just b/c i've been eluding my depression so much lately, drowning it in alcohol which i'm sure isn't good, but i don't drink to escape, i drink b/c i like being drunk. but when i'm drunk i do just about anything...like make out with a girl and two guys at the same time and the two guys are my good friends...but it's not really weird, it's just weird if you can get what i'm saying. but back to the point...i'm empty...like a plastic cup...and very vulnerable which isn't good. i'm afraid that i might make a mad dash to cope and fill the hole inside of me...it's happened before and just hurt other people...maybe i'm just stupid and i should be on meds ya know, but i feel those rob me of who i really am, and don't really help me at all - i mean i tried effexor xr, zolft, prozac, and some other shit and it didn't work - i was still depressed but very very robotic and emotionless. it sucked. i was asked what my philosphy on life was, and what i think/want out of life (i'm pretty sure but i could be wrong) and when i'm put on the spot, i fucking suck out loud at answer, especially with someone new b/c believe it or not i'm still nervous and shy... my philosphy: i try and live one day to the next, knowing that one day will not be like the next and to appreciate everything that happens b/c it's amazing just to be alive and feel those things, even though the pain may hurt, even though my heart may not come back to me...it's all life and whatever happens happens there's no point in regretting things but just knowing what's going on around and being respectful enough to yourself and others around you that you won't have to worry about feeling regret, b/c when you regret something, it's pointless b/c there's nothing you can really do to atone for those original actions or words, but you can come close if you have heart. what i think about life: life is shit, but it's life and you only have one, so just hold your nose and just go for it, live. what i want out of life: now that's something i'm not sure about, i want love - i've had an idea of it, and i know i've felt it, but i want it to stay around instead of getting here, then just teasing me by running away. i wanna know that i was important to at least one person. i want to be able to help anyone in need. i want to be able to be so selfless that i don't care about being remembered for any good actions i did after i die. and i want to be in a band that plays loud and hard every night, and doesn't care how many people counted at the door, travel one million miles and ask for nothing more than a plate of food and a place too rest. i guess in the very vaguest of an answer i could say that out of life, i just want to live. i still feel like shit, but i guess it's something to get used to, i mean every day has been the same in the end...i'm always trying to convince myself i'm all up and happy, but i'm not - and i put on a front for most people so they: a) don't worry about me b) don't think i'm weak or fucked up. i can't stand pity. i appreciate empathy, but don't waste your time it's pointless to feel anything for a guy like me. but if anyone has any fucking questions they wanna ask with a heart filled answer that i can give...then ask...cuz i need some kind've release other than poetry right now.

actions speak louder than words, so i guess that why the gunshot is still ringing in my ears

i was at my sister's house and my parents were talking, about stupid shit that i don't care about, but i listening anyway, and i've had an hour and a half to think about what was said...but it just comes down to actions speak louder than fucking words. and anyone who claims their actions mean nothing...they have to lie to themselves i guess, i could see how words can mean nothing, b/c when you're angry you can say things you don't mean...but actions...when you punch someone in the face...you either don't like them very much, or you want to share the great joy of life with them (it's a weird thing, the second one, but yeah)...actions always have motives hidden underneath motives...and there's depth, but words are just on the surface...i could go into some much more with this, but i have a feeling i rant too much, especially on here. but am i the only mother fucker that understands this...ACTIONS > WORDS - urgh!

feasting on life

interesting weekend...met a new person, that i barely knew, and got drunk with them, and of course the usual crew...and it was fun. and the person i might add was really cool, hopefully we could hang out again. then josh, james, beth & me went to a show in nowhere fucking london, most of the bands were good, but the best were definitely a suburban blood drive (fuckin' a sean) and leave it at the door. plus the after party, which was a little crazy and debaucherous, but that's all good. and met a few new characters...which were really awesome, and one guy that was fuckin' insane, plus at about 8 this morning sean said something i have to quote cuz it kicks so much ass on a talk about breasts being good and not knowing why: "Why is the sky blue? Why are boobs good? Why does Freddy Mercury wear a fucking leotard with the chest cut out? Because it's fucking awesome!" i couldn't breathe after i heard that, but i was really hammered too and man, this week has been a week of jager, and i love it - definitely my alcohol of choice, THANK YOU JAMES & CASEY (and beth) FOR THE JAGER THIS WEEK! next week(end) it's on my indefinitely guys. alright well i gotta go home, so i'll catch you fruity kiddos laters.

so kiss my lips and black my eyes - that way i could feel the best of both worlds

Put an 'X' next to what you have accomplished, blank the rest. Then REPOST, not REPLY.. (-)= maybe/somewhat (x) snuck out of the house (X) gotten lost in your city (X) saw a shooting star ( ) been to any other countries besides Canada (x) had a serious surgery (X) gone out in public in your pajamas (x) kissed a stranger (X) hugged a stranger (x) been in a fist fight ( ) been arrested ( ) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose (X) pushed all the buttons on an elevator (x) swore at your parents (x) been in love (X) been close to love (x) been to a casino ( ) been skydiving ( ) been scuba diving ( ) broken a bone (x) been high (x) skinny-dipped (X) skipped school (x) flashed someone - with my man boobs (x) saw a therapist (x) played spin the bottle (x) gotten stitches ( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour (X) bitten someone ( ) been to Niagara Falls (X) gotten the chicken pox (X) gotten poison ivy (X) kissed a member of the opposite sex (x) kissed a member of the same sex (x) crashed into a friend's car ( ) been to Japan (X) ridden in a taxi (X) been dumped (x) shoplifted ( ) been fired (X) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back ( ) gone on a blind date (X) lied to a friend (x) had a crush on a teacher ( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans ( ) been to Europe ( ) slept with a co-worker (x) slept with anyone ( ) been married ( ) gotten divorce ( ) had children (x) seen someone die (X) had a close friend die ( ) been to Africa (x) Driven over 400 miles in one day ( ) Been to Canada ( ) Been to Mexico ( ) Been to Hawaii ( ) Seen a volcano ( ) Been on a plane (x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show in theater ( ) Thrown up in a bar (x) Purposely set a part of myself on fire ( ) Eaten sushi (x) Been skiing/snowboarding (X) Been camping (x) Been camping in the snow (X) Met someone in person from the internet ( ) lost a child (X) gone to college ( ) graduated college (x) done hard drugs (x) tried killing yourself (x) thought about killing yourself (x) fired a gun (X) purposely hurt yourself (X) taken painkillers (x) literally kissed someones ass (X) loved someone or missed someone (x) drank till you've passed out (x) done a "triple kiss" (X) snuck out of your house

i'm bleeding from the gash between my shoulders

only thing that's important to state is i've failed, and i don't care...not anymore...you just can't understand can you? it doesn't really matter though, cuz i don't feel sensations anymore, i guess there was a window that was open, and now it's been shut. or at least it feels that way. i could say a lot of things, but words are pointless right now. i just wanna stop feeling so empty most of the time, like when i let myself think about it, god i'm tired of playing it off like there's nothing inside me burning for some out of control adventure...something to break me into pieces. and i'm not talking about a girl breaking my heart. i want everything to dissipate and fade. god, anxiety sucks so bad...you'd think a person would get atoned to it, and then be fine...but now it's going on a six month rampage in my life tracing my footsteps if it falls behind. and worrying about you doesn't help. i mean i love hanging out, but seriously you don't get it, and i'm never gonna say this to you, but if you can't get past the him then yeah...i'm sorry. i can't wait around forever and you can't see what's in front of you...it's really dumb of you, but i'm not calling you dumb - we can't control our emotions, that's all i really want to say, but if you need a warm body - i'm usually pretty warm, but i can't do that forever either. and you shouldn't feel bad, it's just that having a mainly boring week made me think a lot, especially about you, and i don't know if it's the same. but i'm always here to hear what you have to say, and i really do know exactly how you feel, it's not easy being smitten with someone who's hopelessly fallen for a guy that will never work...and she can't seem to realize it. but that's the complication to life...and your day today...it's kinda my life, but i put on a smile so people don't care about me. god, anxiety sucks. but kiddos and kids don't worry about me i'm a big boy i can take care of myself, i have thus far and i haven't died. so i'm good. be good and happy st. pattys day you bitches. we should all drink together and sing merry songs of mother ireland, ha ha.

love is an excuse to get hurt, so hurt me, so hurt me

today, i think i gave up...i mean i don't know, it's kinda weird the way i feel about it, cuz i'm indifferent to the whole thing. it was something that i probably shouldn't have started b/c i know now there is no point. i'm lost right now...i have no idea of what i should do, if i feel like it, or if there's a point. oh well, i just know i should enjoy this moment because so far not many of these moments have happened, i'm used to being so passionate about anything i do, so when the passion's gone and the fire slowly died down and out, i don't think i'm going on anymore.

does anyone wanna have some casual sex?

ha, well if you do find someone to have it with, cuz i'm saving myself for marriage ha ha, joking - don't mean to offend anyone out there. but i'm a little weary b/c i don't know if the p.a. is completely ready for that. but anyway, i wrote something new that i thought i'd put up here, and i don't know why i always post poems i write, it's just something to do...and i don't post all of the ones i write, just ones that i end up liking a lot. so if you don't like 'em don't fucking read 'em holmes. alright without any more suspense for something so horrible "Fill Up The Tallest Glass You Got" Not one more word tonight and hush those tired lips Because the weak words laid down as the foundation for whatever you wanted it to be Is making its way to demolished concrete And whatever husk of a human being you’ve made out of me Will be caught in the weakest wind and taken far far away from here Dragging its feet every time it catches the cold ground It used to be, a simple glowing smile is all we’d need To understand the problems, and come to a good conclusion But now, we know, these problems’ll never be solved So what’s that point of trying to conquer them all at all? Well I’ve said I’m sorry, and I’ve apologized for the last time These shoes were made for walking, and that’s what they’ll do From now on ‘til the end of time, when each day is through What could’ve been said to To make it survive all this time? What should’ve been done to To help us not forget Who we are? Who we were? What we were doing here? It’s turned into the simple cliché When you’re outta sight, you’re out of mind

and your life is on meds

well let me say murder by death was awesome, codeseven was really good, voice in the wire was good, and scenic view - eh, pop punk b.s. - and the other stuff wasn't bad like, petticoat petticoat which have a myspace account, and the singer/guitarist has his little solo thing that reminded me of bright eyes. all in all, definitely worth $5. then finding waffle house was fun, and the makeout party, which i didn't makeout at, was fun. i met a lot of cool kids and got invite to a guy named jon's b-day party in london. and had a drunken 15 year old try to make out with me and lean all over me, but it's okay cuz she was really plastered, and she kept apologizing...i kinda felt bad for her. all in all, good day without drinking...what?

i hath lowered my ears

i got a hair cut, totally razored my head all up, or did i? you'll just have to wait and find out, muhahahaaha i bet the suspense is killing you so bad.

whoa, today didn't suck that bad

boredom is not the word of the day today...woot. i actually had to pick up my nephew and watch him for about an hour, which equals putting a movie in until mom came home. then i went to NCHS to talk to mr. bradley and i'm gonna go back prolly friday and exchange some poetry with him, which is really awesome that he even wanted to, cuz i've looked up to this guy for a few years, and now he's kinda treating me like a peer...weird...so i'm flattered to say the least...and if he actually enjoys my poetry...then shit...i don't know what i'd say cuz i respect his opinion so much...man i sound so gay, like i'm in love with him, ha ha, but anyone that knows him like i do knows a fucking cool he really is, so yeah. then me and josh went to b-town road, after jess dumped us for her family...bleh - j/k. but i got i <3 huckabees, and have yet to watch it, and even better, i got the second VHS of aeon flux, so now i have every effin' episode ever, muhahahaha. then we went to the great escape and josh got the fucking hush series...that bastard...but he said he'd let me read 'em after he was done, so cool beans. and then to ear-x-tacy (b/c no trip to the strip is complete without it, even when i was on a beer run in louisville, we stopped in the parking lot) and josh is getting tired of punk and wanted to know some good blues...so obviously i point him to bb king and muddy waters...so he bought the latter and we jammed in the car...which i'm sure was quite the funny funny. then i dropped him off and so far called it a night...but iian called wanting to go do something and never called back...slacker...ha ha i kid. gotta hang with him before break's over with cuz i'm not sure how often i'll be coming home before school's out for summer (alice cooper). but yeah, i'm sure i'll post a little bit more when i get bored later. so laters kids.

i reinvented axl rose

i just finished i <3 huckabees, awesome movie...weird too. but generally good and not anything like i expected...and naomi watts is hot...usually i don't get into blondes that much, but dude - maybe it's just an australian thing, ha ha. but now, for the i'm bored philo blog, i'm sorry for anyone who actually reads all this shit, cuz it's gotta be hella boring for you. i woke up today with a smile on my face and i knew that i was dreaming about you, it was the first time in a while that i had smelled that smell, your smell, god i love smells. they always take me back, and i can almost feel you next to me, or your head in my lap and i run my fingers through your hair, man - you hair is awesome, nice and silky and smooth and it always smelled so good. i always feel so alone when i think about it though, i feel like something is unsaid or unfinished, and i wonder if we'll ever get a chance to finish it, or should we...maybe it's just best as is. man, i feel so old thinking about it. but come to think about it, i've always felt so old - guess it's just in my soul, arthritis and all that junk. i also wanted to tell you something, i thought about you today, first time in what seems like a little while...but the days turn into eternity nowadays, hours are years, i guess that's life. i guess that's the aftermath of boredom. and i had a nice chat today too, i realized things about you that you mislead about, hell i don't even know if you're perceptive about the things you do, but i notice...and i know i don't read into it too far, you just don't credit it enough and you try to play it off, running away. so run far away, i'll just wait cuz i know there's something worth waiting for, cuz i don't get this feeling sturred up inside me much...so it's a good enough reason to explore. and if you'll let me we could explore this together...i'm sure at least something good will come of it, or something pleasurable. man, today's the first day i haven't been riddled with thinking and i'm actually not so pessimistic and deathly bored to tears...don't get me wrong though, i'm still bored. when someone's as lonely as you, will you sleep? i guess i'll try now... but come to find out - there is still one more aeon flux tape that i do not yet own...but she will soon be mine!

black heart, leaking oil in pan

i see you in my dreams even though i don't see you anymore...there's a lot of things that have happened inside my heart and inside my head, and being bored for two fucking days makes you think a lot, and i usually make sure i don't think much anymore just b/c thinking always sucks for me. but i've been thinking about you and i've been thinking about life...and what i wanna do with life. it's funny cuz i've always felt i've been waiting for something huge and important...and i've always been confused to what possibly that was, but i think i have a better idea now. and i feel when i find that, then i'll be able to be who i'm gonna be. i've also been thinking about fate a lot too, and destiny...maybe i've met people for a reason and all that jazz, and i do things for people for a reason, nothing hugely special, but small details i over look and reasons that i don't understand but there's a reason for everything, and i'm trying to figure out a reason why i met you and fell for you at all. maybe i've just over analyzing things...but you're awesome and so are everyone that you've introduced me too. it's really cool, and since i've known you my mind has opened so much, and i've been way too nice. but i guess that's me...the nice guy gettin' 'f'ed in the 'a'. i wanna be an asshole, and i feel like an asshole a lot of the time, but i know that simply isn't me and simply isn't true. i'm just too impatient and i always look too deep into something so simple. but life is too short for me to waste time not worrying, and not trying to find what i'm looking for. i dont' know...i'm not making any sense, ha ha - and i think i'm a loser for being like the only person posting blogs on spring break...good zombie god. well, aqua teen will always comfort me...oh yeah, i also watch the notebook, and it was really good - sad and sweet and well written, but serious i'm not a girl and i'm not gay - i'm just sensitive *sighs with a tear in eye* ha ha. laters kiddos.

well now...

I am worth $93,272,036.31 for one night of wild lovin'! How much are you worth? Get my worth I am worth $1,807,430.00 on HumanForSale.com holy shit, i knew i was good in bed but shit, 93 million, i need to get like that on a billboard or a shirt or something...that's expensive, ya know i'm thinking fuck college now...i'm gonna whore myself out...ha ha.

eh...i'm really fucking bored

i promise the only reason i'm posting so much is b/c i'm fucking bored, and it's only monday - god i hope this isn't a foreshadowing of the rest of the week. adult swim's on it's second run, and i'm so effin' bored...to be repetitive, so i wrote something to ease my mind, i've already spent an hour on a sketch that sucks, and too long surfin' myspace lookin' at profiles of people that i go to EKU with, and i think i wanna watch a movie and surf the net some more. anywho, i think i'll post that thing i wrote, that's kinda like a poem. "Untitled, But Just For You Anyway" If I clawed my eyes out once more, it would be for no reason These eyes I have long only to see you once again And if they gave up sight, then they'd imagine you Your skin, your hair, every single curve of your body If I cut my hands off, it would spawn stupidity They long only to touch you Your soft silky skin, soft soft hair Like a gentle breeze of wind These shadows draw nearer and the moon is bright These tree loom closer, under the pale moonlight We are here, alone, stranded and possibly forsaken But if I look in your eyes, I feel no fear If I look into your beautiful eyes, I don't care about fear Because nothing could touch us Nothing would ever harm us If we're already lost inside each other there ya go, now seriously i need to do something else that just fucking sit here and be bored, i might go find some booze at iian's cuz they said they were gonna drink tonight...or maybe...i should just dare to dream...maybe about you...maybe about me...maybe i won't dream anymore...i think i'd like it that way.

holla at a brotha

i know i said in cognito for a week, i guess i lied. well i got back friday night and did a whole lot of nothing, dropped a couple of kids off and went home spent some time with my mom and pretty much went to sleep. thinking constantly, then i got up and came over my friends, iian's, house. people kept having to run and get other people, and me and josh had to go get some jim beam black label. ha ha. there was this 16 girl over that was drunk and kept telling me how hot i was, and i thought it was funny, but she ended up getting sick, so me and zach took care of her before she had to go home. ha ha. i felt bad for her, i was a little drunk, but nothing much and that was about 12 shots over 5 hours...not bad - but i'm sad that liquor is losing it's affect on me...god damn, oh well - just have to get more beer, ha. but yeah, i think we're gonna run and do something now, cuz i jacked iian's laptop to surf the net b/c i was bored. he's playing the new GTA, josh is playing iian's street fighter 2 arcade, and b-rizzle is sleeping. i think we're gonna make a movie. ha ha. alrigh kids. i'll see ya later, i might be back again this week. but hopefully i'll be too plastered to move.

acid for brains and a cold black heart

i'm tired, so tired - i'm stretched so thin. ha ha, that was weezer - and this is me: (forewarning, i'm not mr. happy pants) it doesn't matter how many times i tell myself it's nothing, and i'm nothing, cuz i don't ever believe it, i try to convince myself i'm alright - and i tell everyone that i'm just tired and not depressed, beer couldn't even sate my feelings, maybe that's a good thing, then i won't turn into an alcoholic cuz i seem to usually almost feel like this. maybe it's my fault though, for playing it so coy. but i didn't want anything to fuck up, i didn't want to ruin a chance that could've happened, but now there's just 'what ifs' all through my fat head. so i'm just gonna say it now. ya know when i'm with you, my palms sweat, i get nervous, i'm used to being nervous and paranoid about the world around me, but it's not like that, i enjoy being nervous and a wreck when i'm around you, i like having that rush of insecurity, but it's not insecurity anymore, it's like wonder or awe, however you want to look at it. i don't know why, there's something about you that captivates me and draws me in, and i can never figure it out, cuz if i knew it, by now i would've convinced myself to destroy what it is i feel for you, but it's not that simple. there's things i feel that are seldom felt in my world. and so far, i don't know what to do. i wanna sit there and tell you all the things you make me feel, like when i'm with you - the world doesn't matter anymore, and i'm not so scared of anything, i'm just there with you - nothing else exists, no worries, no anxiety, nothing but a connection i can only focus on. and i can't tell you these things b/c i'm so afraid that you'll run away if i open up. maybe it would be too soon to open up, but there's only living fast, b/c you can die at anytime. then what would there be besides regret? i also wanna tell you that those things i wrote, they WERE for you, i didn't want to admit i knew them b/c i felt so stupid for being bored and reading up on your life, so i made a story to tell, i told it so well, but you didn't get to see my face...cuz my face always tells the truth. i haven't wrote anything like that in a while, b/c i've been so barren without inspiration, i don't care about things like that anymore, until i learned them again from you. it may sound cliche and recited, but it's not...i don't want to do anything but make you smile, and it sucks for me cuz...i freeze. i pick myself apart, thinking of ways i could make myself better, and that's not like me, usually what you get is what you see...and if you're lucky you see more inside me. maybe it's just karma, and i deserve this for so horrible crime i committed in a past life, or maybe it's just not my lucky day...but it would be a lie cuz i've already met you and gotten to know you and touch you, i already consider myself a lucky person for that. but maybe luck only goes so far before you have to pick up the rest and run with it, i guess i dropped luck, now i'm looking for the pieces...but luck doesn't shatter, it disappears. and maybe that's all there is to this fairy tale i've spent my time believing...unless you've found luck, then you should run with it. and hopefully it's far away from me, b/c if you're happy that's enough to be good news...but it's something i can't experience with you. you only live twice...but as for me, there's only one life, and that's the life i have to live b/c dreams, my friend, don't exist for me, not since i've been an adult. god, that was prolly depressing for all you out there in cyber land. but that's a glimpse inside my rotting heart...and you might think i'm being emo...but i'm not - heart disease runs in my family...ha ha, so fuck you all you cynical bastardos. and now i will go in cognito for about a week, so don't expect anything out of me, or from me. kiddos. if i wanna talk to you i'll get a hold of you. ha ha. and i apologize for the message being so long. i'm trying to make an inconsiderate person, a little more considerate.

urgh

i said until the day i die...and i guess i died today.

wtf mate?

i'm bored so i figured i'd start talking about nothing, and bug my 3 subscribers...ha ha. i'm such an effin' loser. anywho. there's a feeling in my chest that's hard to repress, so i just want some alcohol, and i wanna get out of ky for a little bit, just a change of scenery would be nice, change of underwear prolly wouldn't hurt, ha ha, j/k - or am i? and man, i really need to have some good sex, it's been a while for that - and i think if it were good, i could deal with a little pain from my piercing - ya know - it's one of those, you take one for the team, well my penis would take one...that was kinda dumb. anyway, i'm bored...still and this hasn't done anything to illeviate any of my boredom, so of a bitch....well i got fencing in two hourse, and i really don't wanna go - but you know what, i have to cuz it's a miss once class before you fail...and guess what - i missed once. i need some jager bitches. out.

another new one

well before i type the poem whatever in here i figured i'd put my life as of the last post, it's been ping pong fury. and i expect rain. what? anyway yeah, i haven't slept in my own bed for three days now...not that i'm complaining - i'm just wondering how long it takes before i'm annoying, cuz i know i'm annoying. anyway with that said spring break is almost here...and i don't really care. i'd actually rather stay here...but there's no reason to fight the inevitable, anywho title: "It's Snowing In March" The stars are bright tonight as I sit here As the cold air pushes up my back I think God damn, loneliness never felt so good It also never felt so bad as now I push the air out of my lungs into clouds in front of my face Maybe there's a little bit of me in them but somehow I doubt it I can't help putting my fingers to the air to retrace your outlines Hoping maybe that you'll appear in front of me like some tangible ghost I remember how your skin feels still, but it hasn't been that long Since I last closed my eyes and highlighted the surface of your body Sometimes I wish I could go back and reword some stupid things I said Or just never say them at all, stop blaming it on the alcohol And maybe I wouldn't feel like such an idiot, such a dork But words can never be erased once they've hit the air There's not a moment that I've forgot the feel of your lips But I wouldn't mind if my memory were refreshed And I can smell you on my clothes and skin I can still taste you on my lips, you're just like poison on my tongue And Every time I lay down I can still feel your hips pressed to mine It's a nice feelling, not being so physically alone, having that warm body Sliding softly against yours, still there when you wake up So I tell the stars now that I'll be alright The cold wind's gone back hom and I think aloud God damn, loneliness never felt so good If you'd really want to call it loneliness...well do you?