the swagger with a step, and i keep hummin' to the beat

it's just not happenin' here, nothing's going on...day after blood sucking day
my cigarettes are starting to make my health decline...well, them among other things...and i'm not quitting
it's so damn hot here, i'm gonna murder and skin babies until they fix the AC unit, and there's only so many babies
oh yeah, a big fuck you from me to you, it case you didn't see my flag flyin' high on the turn pike...no body will ever understand, even if they think they do
you say you did it for me, but i don't understand...a lot actually...but the rant isn't for now...it's for when i'm drunk and left alone long enough to blog

it's a birthday party, it's your birthday party, happy birthday darling

so as some of you know, friday comes my 21st and we're also using the apartment warming as an excuse to execute at the same time, pretty much anyone's invited, if i know them or they know someone i invited, unless i don't like them. anyway, most anyone is welcome, so if you wanna come, leave me a message, or if you're gonna come, leave one too. and if you need directions message me, and i'll give you the address to mapquest it or something, anyway...you've got like 4 days to let me know, or i'll kill you.

post mordem report

it's 4AM and i hear this buzzing
along with a cat outside my apartment screaming and hissing like it's only got a few good curses left inside it
i'm pretty scared right now
i'm not drunk, not stoned, not anything - i haven't had a cigarette all night, but maybe i'm lightheaded for other reasons, lost too much today
my eyes are blood-shot, and i've been organizing again
i want to paint you a picture, so show you i'm not alive anymore
i can't feel my eyes
i'm tired by i can't sleep
i don't wanna write anymore, it doesn't matter anyway because what i did write was always bullshit, never anything good, nothing with promise, why did i even write in the first place
try to be happy? i'm trying so hard just to be alive...so hard just to breathe without screaming, without shaking myself into a daze
i'm perfectly fine, fine as wine

this just in

time of death: 12:48PM May 28, 2006

i'm back for round three

i need some people here to give me love, i feel so alone. well, i have room mates that are awesome, but i feel like more people should be here, and not so many sausages if you catch my drifts, i like diversity. i should drink more, maybe not, maybe so. i need a good girl that understands me. and i think i'm handsome, what's wrong with me, maybe a bit needy. but that's love, i want to fall in love, i mean i am in love with someone, but if that doesn't work, which don't get me wrong, i do want it to work so bad, but i want love returned completely unquestionable and unconfused. i'm drunk and i'm prolly good enough to be off here, i'm ranting and not making a lick of sense, especially since i just said lick of sense. well i didn't say lick, i typed lick really. goodbye interweb people, hopefully for tonight.

we drank the night away

well last night, in the midst of massive blogging, i got a hold of my camera while in a drunken stupor and, well, took pictures, i will provide no captions, just enjoy the eye candy you bastards and bastettes.

mmm, two mother fucking things to read, from me to you

"You Called Yesterday and I Don't Know What to Think"

Waking up to cell phone rings was something I wasn't good at

Now I'm disappointed when I don't have a missed call by morning

Can someone tell me what's right or wrong, not that I'd listen

I'm sitting underground at the hardware store

Preparing this as a bomb shelter

Sinking my feet in the ground for bombardment

Just barely keeping things together from the last drop

This place is shaking, pieces falling through

With each bomb dropped to me from you

And every night when I fall asleep

I need something to calm my head

I'm out of food, barely holding on

And I find it a bit harder to sleep

They're always coming up behind me

And stabbing me in the stomach

Or is that really just me?

"Stealing Me to Sleep"

Dancing by myself in a crowded room

Full of lookers, full of thieves, full of yourself

And the sweetest noxious fumes devour me

As your eyes glide over my stone face

I'm a rock now, hard to move, but you can still break me

I'm the threat, or so you said

Letting you decide which move to make

And your hand

Your hips

Your lips

All against me, begging to pull me back

Your words

Your verbs

Stronger, now ringing in my ears

Scraping across the surface of my skin

It all tastes just like candy

And feels like cold steel going through me

I pause, I reconsider, 'I want you' back to you

I say only things I mean

And inhale to collect this calamity and calm

You did always have a way with words

And a well played strategy to get me hooked

I'm bleeding every morning when I don't wake up to you

In one way

Or the other

I've gotten used to an empty bed

Empty voice mailbox

Empty heart

Gotten used to these shakes

And the yearn to slip into a deep sleep

bloggernaut in deep cartharsis, or just bitching

three beers later i think back, she says no mas, and i say i don't care. i'm not supposed to care. it doesn't matter what i say it's done now, and you can't change the past, regret? nope. i'm just sad that it has to be this way, although it's the way i've always chose for everyone else. i get it. poetic justice. now i'm more of myself regardless, fuck faking it for everyone else to see, i'm just being me. bad habits and all. one things for sure, i'm not a fucking liar, i intend to be completely bluntly honest, i don't play it coy anymore. and the most important part for all you in interweb land: i'm okay and i'm gonna be okay, that's all that matters isn't it. i'll live a life that's mine and no one elses, so don't worry about me if you are worried. i'm tristan, i'm not perfect and i'm so nihilistic right now it hurts the world's asshole. speaking of such things tires me, i want to go to bed and wake up to someone else playing my role in a movie. then i could just watch and never have to worry about another thing. damn jones soda, you're fortunes are WRONG! they never come true for me, why'd you make me get my hopes up. i'll never cry over a berry lemonade cap again.

the truth spills onto white paper, fearless and bold

today was a surprise and i just figure i'd say it, amazing and a relapse, but not so vulnerable, i want her so bad...anyway, i thought it a good idea to put to pieces of raw thought up that i've had on the situation when i thought things were okay:
5/23/06 11:47PM
so it's been a fruitless effort trying to forget her, usually by now i'm long gone with not even a look back, doesn't make much sense to me but nothing really does nowadays. it's usually get up, go to work, eat and sleep and that's just about it. i can't tell you exactly how i feel, it's bittersweet that's about all i can say about it. things don't always work out like you want them. the first girl i was really willing to spend the rest of my life with and i may never see her again. but apparently she has that effect on a lot of guys, so apparently i'm not tristan anymore, lik i used to be, i've joine a majority, a faceless crowd, if you will. that's something i didn't like, at times, well most times. i didn't feel special, i was just another guy. you know, i can weave these character designs and tell people what they want to hear and make them believe i'm the person, when i'm not and maybe she's that way, weaved a story for me, and gullable me walked right into the web. ironic, one of the few people i've been honest with from the git-go and it ended up in rejection. maybe i'm not a beautiful and unique snowflake after all, maybe i'm just a copy of a copy, and so on. hopefully, thought, one day i'll find that one that i'll open up to and feel like that snowflake, one could be so lucky, but then again, if i had luck on my side, i'd prolly have the girl. or maybe yet, i just got to meet her and be with her a while, but that's the kind of thinking that really got me here in the first place.
5/24/06 1:18PM
it's going on a second day of only hearing her recorded voice, and my thoughts are still utterly infected by her, usually by this time i've fucked things up enough to where i won't let myself talk to the person, but this is different, seemingly anyway. it's possible that seeing her could cause a relapse in emotion for me and the two of us not talking for a couple of days isn't so bad of an idea, but why does it bother me so bad, especially when i was ready to drop out of her life almost completely. i'll just be waiting for two things, her to come back or me to find something else to write about. at this point i know which i want more, but i'll settle for the other, that's life and i just really hope she's happy, not finding herself in the midst of some troubling perdicament. i just don't want to be another one of those guys that's her friend, but is completely in love with her and would throw everything away to have her. i want to be special to her, like no one else can ever match, not necessarily the best, but unique and never duplicated. maybe that's where some problems of mine are rising from, my sense of separating myself from the crowd, paired with rejection, and add a foreign emotion to the concoction, results are a fucked up little boy. there's so much i wish i could tell her and change her mind, but i feel like most of the things i've said i've betrayed, i'm no better than a bold-faced liar. i will say this though, i am in better control of my emotions and keeping my eyes open for the next great possibility. however, i dono't know how well it will work when my heart's somewhere else completely, maybe i'll just be on a path to fuck up my relations with every single female i get involved with on more than a platonic level, but i'll never know until things play out, the big mystery of life and love i suppose. i hate mystery sometimes, but on the other hand, it has played in my favor before. am i just doomed, or completely stupid? inept? who the fuck knows.
-yeah, that's it, still shaking like i'm gonna have a heart attack, i don't know what to do, bite my tongue or speak the truth. or just play it down and act indifferent like nothing matters. i does, but i just don't know what to do, chase the possibility endlessly or just give up and look elsewhere...? fuckin' life, worse than any end-of-the-world scenario. there's just two outcomes then, imminent destruction or perserveirance. thin? no, confused and waiting still.

sweet mericful lord...

...so yeah, i have no life, i sit on myspace all day and freak out girls. my only statement is a disappointed, "son of a bitch" followed by a very long sigh with a drooped shaking head.

sam adams black lager makes thinking that much easier, but typing that much harder

i keep looking at my cell phone and i want to call you so bad, but i wouldn't know what to say, i never do. i know what i want to say and what i should say and i'm just caught in the middle before i do anything at all. my heart's still quivering and i need another cigarette, i just don't understand. i never understand things with you. you're like a drug i can't quit, when i think i'm gonna be able to get away, you pull me back in. so instead, i just sit staring at my cell phone waiting for you to call, because i'm too much of a pussy to pick up the phone myself, and who says you won't realize you don't want me in your life anymore? who says you weren't just tired when you weren't telling me the things i wanted and longed to hear so badly? who says i deserve someone as great as you? i tried to do something, to head in the other direction, but to no avail, it hit a dead end before anything started. and i come out with another image, other than one i portray, other than the one i am. i'm a mess, a stupid mess without you and sadly enough with you as well.

the battle with sam adams and grammar, part dues

well, i've really fucked up now. i came on a little too strong. and i don't know what's going on in my life. maybe a constant state of inebriated is where i should stay. things seem less...important, like they don't rule my life. they do, i'm in love with an amazing girl and i'm trying to deny that. trying to deny it by randomly asking a girl i saw at work to hang out. i'm pretty stupid. and i blog way too fucking much. i'm sure i'm getting on everyone's nerves. i just something to look and last just like the movies, i'm pretty pathetic. hell, i put out this image on myspace to seem like this rock hard asshole that you can't get through to, i smoke because it helps take the edge off, when i'm not addicted, i'm making myself get addicted, hoping i will have something to regret, and i've been drinking more to just forget, although it's just making me remember everything in a much more vivid detail than i ever wanted to explore. i'm a faker, and a heart broken piece of shit that's lost my way along the path of life, just fell to the shoulder of the road. dammit.

i'm back again, bitch-asses

i've got the interweb at my apartment now, so fuck you guys, that means i get to annoy the hell outta each and every one of you all summer and rock you until the end of time.
updates:
-starting smoking
-got a hair cut
-got a broken heart
-about to turn 21
-very nihilistic
-been writing a lot more
anything else new, i'm sure you're gonna ask...no, that's it.

cigarette burns in the corner of our film

i wanna pass out...and wake up in a car crash, then would you notice me?

told you i've been writing, but you might not wanna read...i'm painfully self absorbed

the sad thing is, i wrote three of these within minutes of each other with one hell of a cigarette buzz and groggy-eyed, so if they suck don't hold me responsible, and i just got the internet back, so don't hold me responsible for so many blogs in one night, fuck you guys, i'm going to bed

"Ill Give You Forever If You Give Me Some Love"

The cranks are grinding out the tears

Holding on to a bit more preconceived

Some motions are holding true

A lot more me for a bitter you

Still I just want to hold hands

And stand where we used to stand

But now I'm stuck staring at a wall

Trying to redirect the rain drops and cry for help

The light off my cigarette

Are the twinkles in the babys eyes

Coughing up pieces of myself, did you think you'd really kill me

Winking like you do, a kiss on my cheek, still I can see

The clouds arent lifted, no, but around my head

Falling down the path I fear to tread

Can't stop shaking now, its all past the point

I'm not okay, you're not okay, still we pretend anyway

Cutting deep as the razor burns my ears

Screaming louder at me with more concern

Still in the reflection I see this pale monster

Feasting through my eyes on some fertile pasture

Everything I notice rings a vision in my memory

The past is pleasant but I try to forget, holding pain like a rosary

Lighting up another jolt of that killer air

Filling my lungs with a few seconds of unhaunted clarity

My eyelids heavier now than my heart

And my fingers rubbed raw, straight to the bone

Kill this chorus, cut those fucking lights

I don't ever want to see anything with my eyes

The first surgical attempt hopefully my last

To lobotomize my sins and clean away the past

Set me free, oh let me be

And maybe won't be a word on my mind

"A Prerecorded Voice That Says Hello Tells Me Fuck Off"

Lying is easy, the truth is much harder now

So just swallow, choke, and die

And this bitterness is leaving me with such an ugly scar

A memory thats more tangible that anything you've given

So just swallow, choke, and die

I'm making myself believe this is better

Telling myself I'm not worth you

Letting myself believe it's not good to be angry

And holding a heavy heart while I bite my tongue

Licking my wounds, salty from the purge

It's much harder, now, than it looks

And I still cut myself sometimes

To let the pain and air out in doses

Before the skin traps it all in again

So now, is it a bitter you that's avoiding me

Just swallow, choke, and die

And this shallow move to block it out

Has left this deadly impression, not flattering at best

Just swallow, choke, and die

"June First Never Hurt Like This"

Backstabs and hands bound behind my back

You'd think I'd be able to sort the pain from truth

But the cuts keep getting deeper when I know they're coming

It's just speculation now, but did you really love me

The lights go out, my eyelids pinned open

But that doesn't stop my hands from shaking

It doesn't calm my head from thinking

And the words you say, how I hang on them

Clinging to each drop of hope I can find

"Hope for the best, but expect the worst."

Hope for love, but in turn expect nothing but disappointment

Now, the blade is louder than you could scream

Holding me closer than any person possibly could

The marks he leaves, remind me now, I was right all along

I'm pretending now, hoping you'll call my bluff

Using all the hope I have left, to hope you're happy

Counting down, the days I have left now, living without plans

Taking my life an hour at a time, and it still hurts

And the words you say, how they break my heart

Holding out for a sign that something will work

"Hope for the best, but expect the worst."

Hope for love, but expect to be disappointed, like always

"Our Last Night Was Nothing Short of Amazing and I Cant Help But Hold On and Hope for Something More"

We are building an army we never knew we lost

We are building up our soldiers for an uprising revolution

We are processing our strategies while we are playing host

We are backing up our arsenals as a means of solution

Can you see the fear welling up inside my eyes?

Can you see another coward hiding in disguise?

Can you hear the sadness in the resolution weve found?

Can you handle finding your lover years from now, buried in the ground?

I am heading the invasion, no orders to take prisoners

I am breaking through the front line, no matter what the cost

I am taking no lives, killing no messengers

I am here to set things straight, I am here to show you your loss

You are not the enemy, you're not even close

You are just the weakness in me, keeping my eyes closed

You are my beating heart, you are my downfall

And when I need something to lean against, you are my wall

This battle has taken much from me, this war still goes on

This battle makes it hard to breathe, this war is too far gone

We are rebuilding the nation within ourselves

We are restoring democracy to each of our cells

We are bleeding clean, emotionless and maybe free

the infamous blogger leaves no room for worry

so i don't do reunion parties, maybe a few concerts but those are few and far between. today was a day just like any other day and i'd like to get to tomorrow so i could get that over with, just like the day after that. after the 21st hits i won't need to remember a thing, keep the fridge stocked and my sorrows at bay with gallons and gallons of depressants, they won't let me feel a thing. and i think we call this coping, or it's called a disease. and i have a new found appreciation for the colors of life and taste of food, not that's it's any better, but i'm still here to taste and see these wonderful things. i could come out with a bunch of words that would be very unforgiving like a metaphor, but for what reason, they're all about me, and they all come back to me like letters mailed to myself, so what's the point really? i don't think i can find one. if you think i'm bruised and alone, among other things, i probably am, but truth be told i'm kicking and alive and breathing, maybe barely but i don't need the iron lung just yet, the cloves might take my strength and mind somewhere else, but i'm still here. i haven't been able to cut the paper recently but i've found other things, like driving and long lost friends to gather my well deserved attention. and alas the end of another year, nothing special, nothing bad, nothing worse. the ways have been cut and to be honest, i'm glad to see some go, no worries for a couple months, just a well oiled machine of a life staring back at me, waiting for me to push and pull the levers. it's hard to say no, and it's hard to forget, easy, yes, to forgive, but harder still to trust...myself. so with this fresh breath of air and these scars on their way to healing up, all i can do is look forward, and not to the sides or behind me just yet, just forward without regrets, moving on from things i've done and have been done. moving on to north ridge, the balcony where i've already found a good escape at. maybe my booze will keep me company when he comes home in less than a month.

why can't i let go, i'm only a shell of a man (don't read this, it's too long)

i don't know what goes on around me it seems, i'm just wandering around life, and for what reason? none really, nothing's really wrong, i'm just anchored here for reasons i know, but no one's here to help me lift this anchor, i mean it's my fault for pushing them all away, but now, forget about it, i'm just making a feeble attempt to fix myself when i'm not the one for the job.
i want to be everything, i know who i am, i know where i want to go, but right now all that seems completely irrelevant, i just want someone to hold me for a while and not let go. i need that right now.
things are broken in me, it seems like where i used to find comfort there's no security left. like i used it all up. now i just want to sit around and cry, and i don't cry, well i used to not. i want to take a drive, and go nowhere in particular just far away, i want to stop feeling this way.
i do have my moments when hope is the best thing, but i think i'm investing too much in someone else when it's just always been me. but how can i expect it to help when i'm not doing anything different, i'm just expecting them to know, that's impossible. nothing helps sate me helplessness sometimes, last night i could've made a big mistake, and i'm glad she was there so i didn't. why do i always try to play down my episodes, why do i have them in the first place? i mean sure, i'm scared of losing something that's really important to me, but sometimes i think i'm too attached for my own good, too attached for anything at all. but now all the smalls things are adding up, but it seems like there's a lot more small things coming around in the first place.
my stomach's had this constant ache lately, i'm not hungry anymore, well, i know when i need to eat, but i'm back to the point where when i eat i feel sick like i don't wanna eat ever again. when did i get to be such a pussy. ha, i remember when i would be the tumbler running over everyone without a care. it was #1 that i was worried about, there was a few times when i actually convinced myself that they were the one, but that's all it was, was me lying to myself. i'm such a dick sometimes.
it's sunny outside, hell, even when i smoke i don't feel better, just dizzy and kind've sick, but that hasn't stopped me from smoking. maybe it's just the transition from last summer, all my friends are leaving. but i'm gonna be around a lot of them this summer. i don't know. it's definitely looking up from last year at this time, but i'm also not drinking. still neglecting my classes though. i'm so fucking smart sometimes.
the one big thing i am looking forward to is my 21st, i just wanna get wasted all day and forget i'm alive, i'd like to do that now, but it just seems too cliche, i write and pseudo-smoke so i should be an alcoholic, that's what i'm shooting for eventually. failed relationship after failed relationship, i think since i've got it in my head i'll prolly force it to happen every single time.
it's funny people think i'm repeating my steps again, i'm not. these are new steps, i know i've said it before, but next time you see me, or get a chance, look me in the fucking eye, i won't flinch, it's true. i've lied to myself for so long, i'm tired of lying, i've lied to a lot of people, and i'm tired of that too. this time i've been nothing but honest...and while sometimes i still try to clam up, i've done a hell of a lot better. open and honest like never before.
i'm so sore from moving my shit, mainly cuz i'm so fucking weak. i just want a back rub like no other, it'd prolly hurt though, and i just think i need to relieve stress so much, cuz i've had a pretty stressful week, believe it or not. i'm just stretched pretty thin right now, hopefully getting back to normal. and i think i'm depressed again, just in a different way than i'm used to.
now i'm just making mixed cd's to pass time, pass through my boredom b/c i've moved shit into my apartment but the internet's still at my dorm room. god dammit - so i've got just about nothing to do, no money and i've gotta wake up early in the morning to go to fucking work, which makes me sick kind've, especially since i'm not tired. i just don't feel like working. i just wanna curl up in a ball. and sometimes, when times like these come around, i think maybe pills aren't so bad b/c this barely seems managable.
i've already ranted enough, i'm sorry if you got this far, but if you did...send me some love...i need it.

la de fucking da

do you ever wonder if they check your myspace constantly knowing you when you update pictures or tweak your profile's words? i wonder.

that nihilistic son of a bitch, sing along to the sound

i'm really tired, i think i should just take a dirt nap. fuckin' shit.

sorrow drips into your hear through a pinhole...

numb, calloused, what's wrong with me...honestly. i've just been in this nihilistic mood of late and been an asshole. not really to everyone, b/c not everyone is constantly around me. and i don't want to be numb, maybe it's just the idiocy i've been victim to before. i don't know. there's absolutely no point that i can't be stronger than this, that i can't let that affect me like it has. i'm not jealous, and i'm still trusting, but i think most of all it's just my paranoia and lack of security that leads into the disappointment of it all. god, i would give her my life and let her do what she would, but it's simply just not that way right now, for some reason. maybe it's just that i'm at that point where i either shit or get off the pot. crude, i know, but the point is illustrated more effectively.
there's nothing that's really going wrong given the situation, things are amazing and fucking great, better than they've ever been with anyone, especially at this point. but i believe it's one of a few things that are wrong with me and not the situation really. i've been waiting and i think at this point my patience is waning a bit, and being tried by the strong winds that are blowing. i'm definitely not getting bored, maybe scared b/c of the uncertainty, but i think that's also something that keeps me anchored here as much as i am. it may also be the fact that i'm considering options and other things that i've never seriously considered. every other time, i've been going into it believing, knowing that it wasn't gonna last forever...deep down in my fucking bones, i knew. but now, i don't...i don't know but i'm willing to take it that far. and i'm afraid of that. i'm just tired of hurting people and wandering around from place to place destroying whatever lives i interact with in that manner, i just want one good thing...just one. and i feel like this might be one good thing. who fucking knows, i know i don't.
but the point i'm getting at is lately, i'm not completely myself, i'm drifting in between being emotionally tired and giving up. and i don't want either of those, i can't give up, though, no matter how hard i really try, it's pointless to even feel that way. and i have this amazing (literally in all essence of the description of the word) feeling that courses through all my parts and i just can't explain how absolutely wonderful it is. it's like nothing i've ever felt, i just think that this time i can't kid myself and make myself think i'm in love, utterly. and i believe that's another part, i usually control all those things in my life, and when something jumps out of control, i start to shut down.
and all i hear are people saying good things about me, and how i'm so awesome. fuck that. those people are obviously mislead, ask someone i've been with...i'm not a good person. and it's funny how usually people get pissed b/c someone's talking shit...don't get me wrong, that does piss me off to no end, but i just don't believe what people say. good person? awesome/great guy? fuck that. ask anyone i've dated that's gotten to see the real me, just ask them, i'm not a good guy, i'm fucking asshole. i'm a jerk.
there always seems to be some problem pushing itself up in my life, i'm like a shitty fucking car, as soon as you get the oil changed, the breaks go out, and as soon as that's done, the timing belt snaps. that's fucking bullshit. just trade me into the scrap yard, it's cool, you might get some money for me.
i hate this mood, and i hate the way i am right now, i'm sorry about this, to anyone that reads it. but if you've read it all, you're prolly a better friend than i may have previously thought, or maybe i just underestimated you. i guess it's time to move into my new apartment and shit. anyway, it's gonna be a public post just so most people can get the right impression of me, not the one that most people think they have. b/c i'm not a good person, true story.