guess who’s at it again?

i'm staving off sleep as long as i can.
it's like i'm in a trash can. feeding of the narrow strips of light. biding my time, waiting 'til i'm in the clear. but that's not the way shit flies around here. you have to stick your neck out. man it up. be responsible, else you find yourself weighed and wanting, and possibly in exile.
silly fucker, don't you see it? i see it. and it's no good. none of it, it's poison, and you're just consuming more and more every day. letting your mind rot thinking on the past.
stupid fucker, the burden's only yours if you let it rest on your shoulder like a cross. you'll get splinters and blisters, and the sun won't forgive you if you can't forgive yourself and let it go. it's not yours to carry.
why do i do this? i don't really care what i or anyone else thinks. but i'm still here. doing this. typing. it's mostly rediculous. all on deaf ears my friends. deaf ears.

why should i stay?

it's not difficult to understand. but it's not like the process of contemplation is the same. the analogy is simpler now, and it explains how i understand and see the world. and it makes perfect sense of things.
that being said. you should know. and i know the sweet things you say aren't about me, but i can pretend. right? lying to myself isn't as bad as lying to another person. i can make choices for myself, difficult decisions, and since it's me, whatever mistakes i make i have to deal with. so lying to myself is almost like not looking at my severed hand until i'm ready. right? right.
oh, and btw, it's not science. it's poetry. just in case you thought you should know.

btw, it’s exactly what it seems.

i'm sorry that i post these things i write. but you don't have to read them. (just for future reference...and past)

"Not a Perfect Scientist"

We break our part, and fall the same

Eyes to the ground, feet dragging

What'd you expect me to say?

Something witty and unbecoming of me?

Well, my pain and suffering's used up

I've got nothing else to show you

All my guns are rusted, blades broken

But you can have my venom

It's the best I can offer you

Flashes of lights and white dots

Dizzy like I hit my head

But it was us instead

Fluttering and shuttering like butterflies

I won't be your friend, I just want to be your lover

I don't care about the hours to come without you

Highlights streak passed the blurs

I skipped a beat a moment ago

Now I'm rushing through air

Burning it up like compliments on you

Forget about the minutes to come

We could never move mountains

We could never change stars

Fall, fall, contagious from the table

Spreading fair for what's there

And I'll sing it like it was yesterday

Before the curtain call comes this way

Funny how it all just disappears

When we fall away

We just fought anyway

But your love speaks volumes

Just not about me

And I can hear the cement calling

Like a jigsaw falling into place

another friendly reminder

everything is overrated. love, happiness, hatred, sadness, music, movies. every fucking thing.
life is just a trivial thing that we get caught up in from time to time, in between life and death and knowing all the secrets when we're released from this burden of a shell we call the living. the fog is so thick, the smell is so putrid, the taste is so bitter.
but treck on, b/c no one understands it the way you do. make them understand b/c if you go before they do. you're the coward. you're the asshole. you're the person who abandoned them. not the other way around.
it's all relative, meaningless bullshit. do what you want, accept whatever consequences are shoved upon you, b/c that's the way things work, and at least make it a point to not be one of those fucking robots.

this explains a few things

Missed the last train home
birds pass by to tell me
that im not alone
well im pushing myself
to finish this part
i can handle a lot
but one thing i'm missing is in your eyes

have you seen this film
it reminds me of walking down the avenue
well im washing my hands of attachments,
yeah i will land on the ground
but one thing I'm missing is in your eyes

it's by Rogue Wave, and it's called "Eyes"
you should give it a sit down. it's quick and painless, and you may even enjoy it a little.

i don’t sleep well, apparently.

i hate it when familiar dreams are invaded by unpleasant people that are trying to be pleasant and loving. when really they're just a twat.
i know what it really means, and i know what i want it to mean. it's still no good.

do they really dream?

the comforts of life seem uneasy, and the time comes when i'm suffocating so loudly. the thrashing never stops, the dream always dies.
so what's left?
an ambiguous thought that screams and cries and peels back the layers of what's really happening. see it for what it is, but don't understand it.
so what's happening?
it's happening, over and over and over and over again. a reeling brain, waiting ever so impatiently for the fish hook to sink in and take it away. take the bait. set the bait. refresh the excess.
so what's else is there?
there is nothing else, in the re-run sitcom that hits the air every day. it's watched, it's critiqued. it's really not that something else we're dying for. regurgitated, reanimated, and chopped into pieces to be packaged and sold.
don't disregard me.
fuck you.
the twat. the cunt. the bitch.
i'm the liar. i only lie to myself.
but i guess i'm just happier that way.
a calloused shell of what is human. and suffers from the human condition.
nothing's ever okay.
but it's always fine.

yes, i wrote something. fuck you.

"Waking Up Is Still Honest"
Madeline held her hand under the water
Broken after three years alone
"Where are you now, James?"
Her reflection empty, her words hollow
On the night stand his glasses still sit
With a newspaper for the day he comes back
Her wrinkled hands still traces the shoulders of his shirts
She'd go, but she'd die if she didn't stay here
And she wouldn't be alive anywhere else
Oh, Madeline, he ain't coming home tonight
It's been five long years, now, and counting twelve more days
When he was leaving, James had one foot in the grave
And a pain in his chest
Madeline, when will you be alright?
He didn't pack his bags, he didn't write a word down
"Old men don't need those things when they go to die."
So James closed the door and walked out into the street
Madeline lost to their bed, still asleep
And he sighs, "Madeline, I ain't coming home tonight."
She pours herself some tea
Waiting for her last chance to be happy
The days wander off, and the clouds wander in
She knows she'll always love him
But how long can she survive on love alone?
And the day that she died, she still felt the pain
The last words to grace her lips:
"James, my darling, are you coming home tonight?"

sweet sweet karma

amazing people say amazing things.

&i was around some amazing people last night.
&they made it like it used to be.
hi-fives all around.

if Shareef don’t like it...

so lately, i've been thinking a lot. and it doesn't bother me anymore. i've desensitized myself to it. not that i'm happy about it, but i've got to the point where i don't care anymore. which is one of the better things to happen to me lately. not to say life has been a shit-hole like last month.
i'm also back to that place where i was longer ago, when i was just content with nothing. i've floated back to a previous addiction to soak up all my brain time, but that's just b/c of the holiday season. i'm not hurt by it, either, just wishful thinking and fond memories. but right now, i'd rather not be any place else.
my head cold is subsiding, and as strange as it may sound, being sick has caused a form of clarity to rise in my way of thinking, and that's just plain good timing. but i still hate the germs and strains of cold, b/c suffering them is annoying and inconvenient, not to say i haven't counted my blessings already.

and to those clever few, fuck you, b/c i'm better off without the mucky shit you try and use to weigh me down. fucking brain games and lies. what a couple of assholes.

no fucking way.

so this was a weird thing that just happened to me, really fucking creepy weird:
so i'm staying up passed my bedtime working over a story. and the part i'm working on is a real graphic murder plot, with some vivid imagery that will probably seem somewhat unsavory for some people. regardless, as far as i'm paying attention to anything (especially with this shitty fucking head cold) my hands are on the keyboard, but i do have this absent-minded tick when i'm writing, where i'll rub my shoulders and drag my hand across my back. so i'm doing this here and there, and writing and being completely oblivious to everything in the world. then i finish. i save. and i come back around, and look down at my left hand, and it's covered in dried up blood. so i freak out, run to the bathroom, look in the mirror at everything, and i'm not bleeding. nothing. but i have all this dried blood on my fingers.
so i shrug, wash it off, and decided to blog about it.
and that's my night. have a better one.

like you didn’t already know

but eternal sunshine of the spotless mind = amazing.
that and pan's labyrinth just rocked my world in ways i forgot that it could be rocked. or maybe it's just that i have a head cold... who the fuck knows?

and the hits keep coming...from foreigner and bad company. seriously.

so today i found out, among other things, that my cousin has a brain tumor.

seriously. why can't life be boring again...instead of shitty.

balderdash.

for some reason, england didn't seem so far away.
i really almost had it all together this time. swell.

its a mass of entangled words that have cadence in my head.

i haven't wrote anything in a while, so i thought i'd share. and after 8 years of writing this shit, you'd think i'd get some other sort of fucking inspirado besides heart ache. ah, but the simplest medicine is always the best, no?

"Divide the Tab"

Well, the devil's water tastes so sweet

And I'm not gonna miss you right now

There's a crowd staggering around me

And they don't wanna see me down

They recognize the thought behind my eyes

Its too real for right now

The devil beckons me, "Come and have a drink."

"There's enough time tomorrow."

But when tomorrow blisters my eyes

I'd really rather be done

My mind needs its rest

And my pillow's not a good sponge

I tilt my head, try to wipe it clean

The burn in my chest just let's me know

How far I've shoved you down

The devil's water, it tastes so sweet

And he's kept the black label on just for me

With directions and scribble:

"Come visit when you get the chance."

I found my way to the bottom

But I didn't find any answers this time

"This Be the Trouble We're In"

So the hook caught

And we're falling off course

The check bounced

And I'm all out of time

For all the things that never begin

Oh, look at the trouble we're in

Face down

To the bottom of the bottle

Cold hands

Sweat the label to shreds

And its time for the castle to collapse

Oh now, I think its time for another relapse

Simple buttons I push on you

Bring those cold things out of you

And I'm not twisting your arm, darling

But you've brought it on back to me

Headstrong

I'm pretending I'm a martyr

The flames lick

And I'm done with charades

Build the broomsticks up to heaven

And, oh, how can I say no?

"These Mechanisms Turn"

She never looked back, he never looked ahead

Now he regrets the things she never said

And he lies awake in an empty bed

Waiting for her to come lay down her tired head

But that'll never be

He'll never see

She's much more happy

He only wanted to see her whenever she would permit

He only wanted to be with her and quit feeling like shit

So what if he can't forgive himself for crying alone

This place inside his chest doesn't feel like home

And he'll never be

On the same page as she

She's much more happy now

More than he'll be

And how, hypocrite is a word dawned more often

Wasted oxygen canvases the room and reeks of confusion

He wants to hold her hand, she'd only pull away

That look in her eyes says she's ready to leave

That's the last time she'll leave

And he'll be sorry they couldn't see

But she's much more happy, now

Happier without me

yes, yes, i know. they get a little rocky b/c sometimes i try too hard to rhyme. but i felt like sometimes, cheap quick validation for myself is the best way to push out loneliness.

cheers to you all, bitches and not.

once again, i find myself quite on the inebriated side, and find myself also online to rant and vent and confess all things that need not ever be mentioned.
i realize how wrong i am about a lot of stuff. especially when my pride and other such selfish things aren't so intact. so apologies all around to those who deserve it. mainly most ex-girlfriends (with the exception of one or two, but i know who those are) and a few friends who've fallen between the lines of what i deem important and now.
i'm a selfish dick, i know this, and i'm not really willing to change it, you can jump on the wagon and be friends or not. but know that i'm only looking out for 1 right now, and if someone falls into the category of things i can do without, i'm sorry, but i'm sure you can assume where said person falls and goes.
and to those i don't speak to (mainly one person i can really think of), i'm sorry that i've been such a dick (in my terms especially), but please realize that i'm not doing it to be an asshole or anything of the sort. i just need time, like everyone needs time. i'm not strong enough to take such a blow and keep going like i'm invincible, i'm human and there are things that i won't let myself go into detail about, and they're a tough obstacle to overcome. that being said, i know its dumb for that to be in the way, especially since time was short. but as they say, those candles burn brighter. and i'm still finding it hard to see.
october's sucked. here's to november, and hoping its better.
cheers.

a bloggernaut never dies slowly. its always fast and hard with his pants down.

but this isn't always true to form.
i will say this. new people aren't always bad as much as i pretend and build up in my head that they are. and broadening a network has its pros and cons.
but by god, wearing a mask in the middle of strangers has something profoundly liberating about it. you can pretend to be anyone you can concieve. the real kicker is when you're still just yourself.
and what exactly does that say about me?
i know what it is.

jonesin’

i get sick to my stomach sometimes.
but i can still tell i'm getting better.
no telling how long before its completely gone. it always goes away.

every word i say has letters in it.

so, its difficult, b/c the reason you gave was a reason i've heard before, and its uncomfortable b/c i see the same things happening in my mind.
(not that that's what is really happening.)
but then again, a good defense is, its none of my business
 i'm already getting as much pain as i could from it, so just go on and do what you want, i don't care. i mean, i do, i just wanna get past this sense of jealousy.
just this final step i'm we've both gone away.

i've had days where i don't think about it. but every now and then, i have a bad day where its all i can think about.
sad, i know. you'd think i'd be able to forget something so short and quick.
but i'm the dumb one. always will be.

listen...

...you're fucking up. deal with it.

and to the matter of factly stated: i owe you one, Captain Obvious.
here's to a better weekend and a better month than i've had in a little while.

drunk blab.

caring about people is bullshit. i should look out for 1, i'd at least not get hurt. or disappointed.
i'm no legend. i'm no honest Abe. i suck. and that's the truth.

Sober note (the day after): This was the after thought of hanging out with Shredmetal and Zach most of the day. We had a long in depth conversation on relationships and the people that don't need them. They're good peoples.

the most important blog you’ll read all fall/winter

They both need a good home. Come get one, or both. They're uber sweet and awesome, they just need love and attention.

another sleepless night of zombie eyes.

it's amazing how the simplest things can lose all their value and joy in the wink of an eye.
i wanna sleep, but i can't sleep so i'm leaving trails of interweb banter to bring something to me. but bread crumbs only ever brought bugs.
i'm not having fun. just having bad luck, with good peoples.

a couple of questions.

why can't i hold onto anything?
why does it all just run away?
what am i doing wrong?
those would be nice to get the session going. now if someone could answer those, and give me something to work with. that'd be awesome.

stroke

I
pd
fr
dh
lt
nt,
ad
it
dt
hn.

Hw
dg.

new developments in the life and times.

well, i went to bardstown this weekend. it sucked.
broke down on the BG past midnight, it was cold. i was alone. but the car's fixed and hopefully in better condition.
found out a few things that i needed to know. understanding is a big part of the battle.
my parents took Lola to find her a good home, since i'm too busy (and irresponsible) to take care of her like she deserves. doubt i'll see her again, which bums me out more than anything, but serves me right for getting attached to anything.
now i'm back, thank god, and alive, surprise, just waiting for chips to fall in place and things to look up more than they have in the past week. then again, who'm i to care?

a peak in contrast.

eat.work.sleep.repeat.
and all i want, is to hear the hum of a loud muffler pass by my apartment.
something to get my mind going. i've felt less and less of myself each day.
and more and more the seasons are getting to me.

murder. mystery. mayhem.

it's cold outside today. makes me happy. finally, soon (hopefully) i'll be able to wear a scarf and sweaters.
and hopefully i'll get something done, instead of being a lazy cunt. i haven't wrote anything useful in days. its all been bullshit.
surprise.
i'll go to sleep again. maybe tomorrow will have something worth waking up to.

weakly sound off the dimensions

how foolish can one person be? i ask myself the open ended question, knowing full well the answer: there are pontentially no bounds. i find myself contradicting what i said before, letting down the barriers i shove up. all i can think is, is it really real or am i just building thingsin my imagination again?
it was dawn when i woke, and i saw her face. it may be weird to say that, but how do you think i feel seeing that. i'd be damned for a third strike, didn't think i'd survive after the first. the second left me not much of the man i'd hoped to be. now i'm here, scavenging, scraping by on less than bread crumbs, but i'm not hungry - at least not for food. i have my fill of the ache, but my body doesn't always obey me. its a wicked vertigo and the slums of fleeting youth. the body's young, so is the mind for that matter, but this soul is older than fossils.
she led me to believe. these walls, this fortress all came tumbling down on her words. trust, lust and all those things between. i'm not betrayed, however, just naive. and here i thought i knew it all. i know nothing that benefits me. either way, the complaining never gets me anywhere. bleeding? no. i've stopped that for now, lonely in this vast, empty place. stirring noises, but all traced back to wind and bushes; no real monsters besides the one i'd like to believe i am. no degree of self separation just yet, but i'll wait for it.
electronic love notes twist the text of my head, and this migraine just gets worse - i should give it a name. it would only be that name, and off my lips, maybe the word should die in thought before i give it life enough to kill me. they one-eyed god knows i've done enough to kill myself. broken down these bastard walls, and maybe my valkyrie would come rescue me. i'm hopeless. giving never gets, but it never pays for me to be selfish. commend the damned fool.
was i foolish enough to play the part? what was i doing, just trying to make amends in my brain? it's doubtful. the drunken stagger brings me flailing stances and ideas i can stomach. i'm not so uptight now, i can deal. and its never my fault, but i'm always the one who suffers. this has become an inferno of regret. a climactic mountain of shameful thoughts. i made it to the peak, and hit every pebble on the way down.
salt in the back of my mouth. is it blood, or is it booze? both are cleaner ways to wash it all away. leaving no margin for thought or after thought. "be there for me," is all i can whimper. a sickly child in need of a cure. the parent standing by, praying for the terminal illness to crawl slower, thinking only of themselves, and their pain. which was i? does it matter? we can all say and defend our answers, but the lies are what works best.
serene serenity, peaceful tranquility, all bets are off now. the winter wolves are here. you'd be amazed, my darling, at the hunger in their eyes. they are majestic and beautiful and hints of you seem to be caught down wind. blissful. like a retarded kid in a candy shop, this is the universe to me. all the greatest mysteries could unfold, and i wouldn't give a pile of dog shit. i'd just clap my hands and drool in awe of the pretty pretty colors.
i'm a child once more, self medicating and self sufficient. vomitting never felt better as i consume without care. sheer unbridled passionate hatred, for myself. its a novel so trashy, its slapped with stickers. warning tape, red water, news reporters with hushed eyes. the curtain falls with no curtain calls and i crawl back to our mother. this is a daring reprieve.
iiswtwstcamamaicat?

in a general stance

fuckthisfeeling.
itsdumb,i'mdumb,i'mdonebeingdumb.
ijustwannabenormalforonce, andnothaveanythinggettomeorhurtorblah.
fuckingshit.

and so the waters raged on around us.

last nite = teh suck.
it hasn't happened in months and i don't remember much, just enough. and nobody was there. which is prolly a good thing.
i hope this isn't a relapse, b/c i enjoy sleeping. i enjoy dreaming. i like having the next day be normal, not this feeling of foreboding, like something's amiss, something's wrong, and i'm gonna be the fall guy. when the shit hits the fan, it'll all come raining down on me.


but i did dream before it happened. and it was a cool nightmare. i had two kids (sons) and it was an end of days scenario. i just remember having to run with them from satan's son, ezriel. and it was like a like demon raptor. when they were safe (my sons) i had to help save the world by sinking a boat, before the army decided to blow up the city for containtment. and i remember having to get things to set on fire so distracted some apocalyptic beast.
then there was this shanty town, flea market and i remember greg and cheyan being there, along with my dad. it was weird, plus there was a band called ATHF, so yeah. but everyone in the shanty flea market were part of a larger movement against the military and creatures that threatened to destroy all those things we took for granted.
but then i woke up b/c i got a text message, and didn't dream again. oh well.
i feel so fucking weird, i just wish it'd stop.

quest-shon.

why won't people talk to you when they're angry? i mean, nothing will get solved if you don't talk about it, then it just gets to be this thing, lingering there. i'm not saying i'm not guilty of the same thing, but i just don't understand it.
and for that matter, why do people shut off other people that are supposed to important to them when weird or unpleasant feelings come up? i understand from my perspective that i just don't wanna bother anyone else with it, not to mention i can't ever find the right words to accurately describe what's going on in my head, etc.
i just wish i'd know something instead of assuming and thinking about it, feeling like an asshole, when i really didn't do anything. i'm confused and kinda sad about it.
man, this day. mondays to the 't'. and mondays don't even have a 't'.
karma probably. mother fucker.

attack killer penguins, attaq!

shit storm.
aquafina, although i'd rather have dasani.

it's hot, you're hawt. and the sweat is not so unbearable.
imagine that.
and there's so many new things i never thought i'd like.
but i like.
imagine that.

i'll pay for you, any time.
'this modern love' is stuck in my head.
i'm bored.
i'm so fucking bored.
so i sit here and wanna type haikus, and email them to everyone i know.
but i can't remember the format.
so i'm just typing fragment sentences.
in random stanzas.
b/c it's artsy...right?

i think a cunt flipped me off today, but i'm not sure.
cunt.
i wish i'd react faster, maybe like a panther or something.
gazelle, even.

tomorrow's when everything's supposed to look up again.
not that things don't every few hours or so.
when i'm naked of charades.
and there's just a face.
your face.
piercing eyes.
simple as that.

closing time at the print shop.
moving to the exit.

things i’ve learned in life thus far.

-work usually sucks, and if it doesn't - it goes out of business.
-cream soda rocks tits.
-it's much more fun to be drunk and belligerent than drunk and conserved.
-it's also more enjoyable to be drunk in the cold than in the heat, b/c:
      a)you don't sweat out the booze
      b)you won't die of a heat stroke
      c)you don't give a shit if it's cold if you're intoxicated
      d)you can always cuddle with the person next to you, no matter who they be
-dogs like to eat things they find outside
-people like to steal things they find outside
-bones can break whilst battling in the art of Frisbee
-robert gregory reads way too much about fighting styles and swords
-some people's parents give them awesome names, others not so much
-manstruation does exist
-sassy = classy
-food tastes better when you're drunk and tired
-laminating your hand for fun...isn't
-some of the best writers write comic books
-some of the worst writers write horror movies
-people are obsessed with zombies, which in perspective doesn't suck, but to me, sucks
-children generally creep me out
-'creeped' is technically grammatically incorrect
-people like to talk shit
-people also like to eat shit
-people also shit in the woods
-Mexicans usually have mustaches, which is what the term Mexi-stash comes from
-Richmond and Berea are gonna combine and get blown up by aliens
-pissing in a dark alley isn't nearly as fun as it was built up to be
-i hate chain emails, especially when they're about Jesus and the Will of God
-some people that made letter openers, made some bad ass letter openers
-dick is a fun word to emphasize
-cunt is too, for that matter
-i hate it when i fall in love with a seasonal brew of beer, and it's not that season
-fall isn't just pretty b/c of dying leaves. it's pretty b/c of sweaters and scarves.
-time warner cable internet sucks balls
-people who have to write stuff down to remember it, and forget to take it with them have just wasted a perfectly good piece of paper
-hugging trees will most likely give you a rash
-deep hugging a person with a rash will also most likely give you a rash
-if you find yourself playing with fire and burn off your eyebrows, you're not alone, but seek comfort in knowing, not everyone has eyebrows by choice
-i get tired of writing when i have to do other things, thusly concluding my list of blah blah blah blah...............MAH!

a day in the life of hermit shellcrab.

i don't understand in why it's such a bad idea to let go. but again, i find myself on that verge of trying to get to my moment of clarity. shove convention and self preservation to some other terrain which i dare not go. that way i can get back to being me, myself and happy. not that i ever wasn't, just more riding the line.
usually when you spend a lot of time with a person, it blends. right now, i'm in clear deatil, vivid as smelling the rain coming. and i'm good with what it is, and where it could be going. and it's hopefully going forward.
there's not a lot of things worthy of inspiration. but i am (inspired that is). still lazy, but that's my m.o. i don't wanna do things that are so unconceivable, but i do want more than what i'm giving myself credit for. and today, i open my eyes and see something new, and i have been for a few days now. it's nice, refreshing and just plain fucking awesome.
so just plain thanks. i'm good.

’til my heart’s malcontent

so many things are wasted upon you
big words of compassion and cheap perfume

it's the truth, it's the truth - i'm sure you'll read about it in the paper
but i swear to god i'm tired of hearing ear to ear, face to face, word of mouth
it's all always coming out, and about and around - around
color me amazed that the ties that tied friends are burning like yarn
and the melted wax discharge is burning a whole lot of people
when did we all become so pathetic and maniacal, waiting for someone to turn around, white-knuckling the hilt of a very sharp, very thirsty knife
you pretend, we pretend, i pretend
and i'm tired of seeing everything fall apart, people i know aren't really people anymore, they're things and those things are wild and starved for attention, starved for affection, starved for an erection. i'm sick to my stomach at the indecency of hypocrites, the gossip of secrets leaked.
fuck it, i don't like many people anyways, and i keep my friends close by. this proves to be another year worse than the one before, and i'm right in the middle of a shit snowball fight.

it’s just as simple as this...

no.
i don't want to play it coy. i don't want to play anything.
left alone is the best way i do. and leaving my general area wouldn't hurt.
i don't like knowing about past lies. and i hate that i keep hearing about them, from people you would just guilt trip me for believing.
just fucking no.




and i'm the shitty person?
at least my friends like me, and i know the shit that's said.
i'm annoying on purpose, i'm an asshole on purpose.
and generally i don't pretend, i'm not fake, i'm me.

please go die in a hole. rot and be forgotten.

more new developments on breaking news of a sociopathic liar. which isn’t me.

i think i've decided. i hate guys with neck beards, or patchy neck facial hair. i mean even more than the run-o-the-mill goatee than usually predicts you will obsess over danzig and godsmack. hey, i can sympathize. i once loved godsmack, and i think danzig is tuff stuff, although he's a pussy.
but when one let's their facial hair grow out, and they serious look like a mountain goat, it makes me wanna bust heads. now, don't think me a facial hair extremist. but shit, if you've got a baby face, keep it that way. hell if you have any facial hair on your face, that's a plus. but neck beards, make a nigga wanna kill. damn. i must stress this, son.
i'm a beard preservist. if you can't hang, get the fuck clean shaven. or the Coalition of Killer Facial Hair - the CKFC - (including the Moustacheo Madnesses) will come to your door, and burn it down (just the door) and that's a warning sign. if you still persist with your grotesquely displaced pubes we will have to kill your family, and force electrolosis on you. doom will definitely be rained down upon you in a hairless future fury.
now, to those who may have misunderstood me. i do not hate patchy facial hair, give it time. it may work. i'm just singling out the dudes with no hair on their face...or little, but a copious amount on their neck. fucking gross dudes. QUIT IT!

oh and greg, lisa lampanelli IS hardcore, you just got schooled.

well know who’s this i see?

man, i think the random kid in Say Anything had it down:
"Bitches, man, bitches."
those few words speak volumes.

robot parts aligned

it's always the worst parts we hold onto thinking that it makes us better people. all we're doing is punishing ourselves, like a needle-lined form fitting pair of pants. i've done my best and realized so much up to this point, and i can force myself the rest of the way over, i was just trying to do something i normally don't. it was called a second chance, i didn't need one this time. and apparently they didn't want it. good riddance.
i'm pretty much done on pretending to be numb. i guess it's time to cross that line.

i can transfomer, i’m a transformer, aaaiiii aaaaiiiii aiiiia aiaiaiiaaiai

i can have good days. and i can have bad days.
this good day has turned into a bad day that's just gotten shitty.
why does this randomly happen to me? it makes me wanna curse someone.
i do believe the thing that kills me the most is that i'm just so apeshit about what i don't have that i'm sure i'm missing the point of if i got it, i wouldn't really want it. i'd be miserable and stressed out even more than i am now.
when did being independent become such a fucking mess?
i don't lie. i just dislike. and suddenly things are so difficult. i guess all i can do is ignore it until sleep shrugs it off. that's why i love sleep...if only i could make it a person and marry it. i'd be happy.

carlotta valdez

i watched Vertigo last night, and Alfred Hitchcock film
&&i quite possibly have a huge crush on Kim Novak. and she was born in 1933. i feel sorta gross...but if i had a time machine...the possibilities.
i  would teach cuss words to children.

the poetry is so pure.

when was the last time you danced?
come walk with me, baby
dance with me, darling
step with me, sweetheart
the world is watching

when did we forget all this? seriously.
give it up to gnarls barkely, for real.

on a side note: i wanna be like Steve McQueen in Bullitt.
that is one B.A. mofo. true story.

the journey to the valley of the cryptid. but it wasn’t really a valley, more like woods.

I saw it! The creature was towering a full foot above the top of my own head, mostly do to it's gnarled, twisting horns. Its fur-face was grey and a dark blue-black; its ear long and pointed falling to the sides of its head. It mocked humanity with its every heaving breath, eyes staring straight forward into my own. I dare not breathe, it could use the noise to its advantage. So I can only stare back.
It shifted balance on its hooves, and I chanced a glance at the whole monster. Its top half, undeniable a cruel joke of a god with a scewed sense of humor. The chest of a man, furrier as it built to the collar bone, and the head of a pygmy goat. Below it's belly, a thick mane gathered to avert all sights from what gender it proclaimed itself, and led to the thick, cloven hooves. What part of it that was a man, obviously had seen no hygiene. The fingernails were long in places, but had caught a snag in whatever the creature mingled with. Fingertips were cut and blistered, soon to be calloused. Brown smears of what could've been shit smeared up its arms and around parts of its almost hairless torso; in this light it was too hard to see any shit caked in its fur.
I saw it wanted blood, and it intended for me to be an unwilling donor. The horrid thing let out a screech that made my ears want to detach from my body and jump off the nearest cliff, to their tiny ear-death, and leaped toward my fear-frozen body. I barely registered the movement as I was thrown off balance and fell hard onto my back, it was grasping my throat with death in mind. It sent heavy snarls oozing down the back of my throat, and I could taste its bloodlust, its crazed hunger for my head to part ways with my body. But I, your humble narrator, couldn't succumb to the desires of a mad goat-man.
I brought my knee into the monster's abdomen and it only seemed to fuel that animal rage it was currently attempting to bring down upon me. I tried to yank some fur from his goat-beard, alas, that too only seemed to upset the poor violent creature more that hinder it. Finally, I decided to take a chance, and brought my shin into its groin. Another screech beckoned my ears to bleed, and the man-goat slumped on top of me. Its heaving mouth next to mine own ear.
I pushed the mad thing from me at once, and got to my feet. I set out for a full run to my car, when I heard it wimper. I turned and stared into those bloodthirsty eyes once more, although now, they pleaded for help. It baaahed and reached out to me, like a lost child. A sense of pity rose over me, and I thought I did need to make sure it was okay, after all, it's not every day you see a goat-man, and what if I were the one responsible for ceasing the line then and there. So I walked over to the creature, now mimicking a fetus, and loomed over its twitching body. My thoughts still turned inward. Then I thought, you know what, that thing tried to kill me...fuck it.
With a well aimed kicked, I steel-toed its guts. And with this new pain, it brought its man-paws up to clench its stomach, like a retard spasm. But that wasn't all I planned on. I proceeded to land a series of kicks into its balls, over and over and over. Hearing that horrible scream again and again. Finally, when I thought the creature had paid enough for its indiscretion, I unleashed golden humiliation on its fur, marking my victory.
At this point, it lay unconscious, of course, and I could only assume that it couldn't deal with the man-pain. I turned my back to it, and walked nonchalantly back to my small car, head held high.

it waits til the midnight hour to come, to torture me for all the wrong i’ve done.

so at what point exactly can't we turn back anymore?
what's there to bring me back when i've gone too far?
i don't want anything from life but to live.
i don't want anything from anybody, i just want myself. it's not like i dislike people, and don't think that's what i'm saying.
i'm just not requesting anything from you, don't think i am.
i'm glad you are there, really.
so when can i come back around to being?

in reflection with blood soaked hands

i wish i had more interesting things to say.
instead, i'm sorry will have to do, to most people.
you're not cobblestones, i assure you, i'm just an asshole.
and, well, i still don't like people, but they're the ones that deserve it.
so without further overdue. i apologize.
i just wish i had something interesting to say.

hard drive to hard where

Bigsby, i must admit. to think i pull away and admit that i'm okay with it. but somehow again i find myself memerized and i don't know why.
i bite my lip. i've already made the smarter choice, but being smart's never been my card to play. is it so wrong for me to be alone? sometimes i don't feel any other way.

note to self

when you're in england making new friends, make sure you remember the symptoms of crazy:
-lies
-noses
-estrogen
-bursting amount of testosterone
-smelly
-attention
-fashion
i think that somes up the highlights. not remember, tristan, you have a knack for pickin' 'em out of a crowd. be careful, and use that crazydar that you built.

calling all cars!

what ever happened to the kind of love that would burn down cities? where did it go?

blogger bot

how many worlds are there before i can find one to settle into and call mine? it's so easy to be unhappy and so easy to blame, but what about trying? never think of that, never give up too easily. just push to hard til things are broken. they always break. it's not about strength, more about determination. pointless to begin again b/c it'll just be the same.
doomed to repeat, loop to loop to loopy fucking loop.
it's gone, i'm just gonna have to get used to that. no charm, no charisma, just a bumbling bafoon wishing for one second the he could be cool. cute games won't play and energy is a waste. just don't know what to do with myself, keep my aching hands busy and my mind controlling all the stuff i loose control over.
i just wanna lay down and sleep for a good long while, but the world just won't let me do that. and things don't get easier from here, they just become tangible and painful.
keeping your head up does pay off, it just hurts my neck is all.

hope

sometimes i think there isn't a more pointless thing.
i read into things too much, and draw too many assumptions and conclusions from them. maybe i should give up before i even really start, and save myself the aching. it's an inevitability anyway.

gay rant

for those of you just tuning in, this is long and prolly annoying to most of you, so just sit tight if you're in the mood to read, if not, i'd suggest you close your window and go watch tv:
So I was on Socialmoth and came across this grand debate on how abnormal or normal homosexuality is. Comments thrown back and forth by derelicts and imbeciles, with some good tangents from educated folk. All in all, I put in my two cents and didn't feel elated enough to let it stop there. After all, it's not gonna change the mind of some hardcore conservative or some Bible basher by me saying what I feel, my opinion. They're too close-minded and belief biased, but then again I'm about to venture into my own beliefs and bias, which I'm sure could be picked apart and set me in league was those I just bad mouthed, but no matter, the ranting must ensue.
Firstly, a big cornerstone in the arguement was the Bible. Now, I've done my research on said subject, even wrote a research paper in high school of how it (the Bible) contradicts itself. There is a part in the Bible that reads it's a book of interpretation and the reader will take from it what they will, and that will be correct for them, the reader. (Now I don't have the exact quote, but if you really wanna know so bad, I'm sure I could dig around my old papers and find it, given time.) For instance, we take the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. A whole lot of people would like to say that they were destroyed because of the butt sex. I may be wrong since it has been a few good years since I forced my eyes to go through it, but didn't the people of Sodom and Gomorrah do other eff'd up shite besides anal sex? I mean, it was my impression that they did animals and had poop parties. So who's to say that God wasn't all like, "Dudeth sex witheth animals isn'teth cool, and that poopeth is gross, thoust will catchest something...eth." That's also assuming God isn't actually Zeus, who is quite infamous for just fucking with dudes, or even Odin, who knew the cities must be leveled or the could become a Mega New Jersey. I mean, not to offend, but the Bible might be missing a few crucial facts to the story. How many times has it been translated? A few I'm sure, and in other languages there are words that we don't have in English, and vise versa. So who knows if we're getting the full story from the guy that got hopped up on ambrosia (that's god food) and when on a stint and wrote a book (or chapters in) about the massive all-knowing diety. That's why religion requires a thing called faith.
Now, I'm not trying to attack Christianity by using their Bible, but at the same time, they are on the forefront of gay oppression. I've never heard a Buddhist or Acer yell, "Faggot!" and try to crucify someone with their words because the sexuality they chose. But then again, I may just be that far away from the religious vein that I don't know the opinions of the religions in the world. I'm also just some dude that going insane because people can be dumb. After all, it's not like this is some well educated report for an esteemed zine that's gonna be printed all over the world, no. It's a rant, and it's called so for a reason, and the only people to really read it are those of you that have been unfortunate enough to know me, and I deemed important enough to read my glorious rant. And oh, I'm not exaclty done yet.
I know homosexuality hasn't been around since the beginning of time, like back with Adam and Eve. Setting aside the fact that's it's a story, back then all we were on about was procreation, we didn't have the luxury to be gay. Now, a couple billion years later, we do. I, for one, am not gay, but I do admire the strength and determination it takes to be openly so. I mean, for instance, I can go up to any girl I find attractive and ask her on a date (not that I'd have the confidence to do so) and 9.5 out of 10 times she'll turn me down because I'm a creep and smell funny or I'm just unfortunate looking. I mean, she might say she's gay, but I'm sure it'd just be to spare my feelings, which would be very nice of her. Well, until I see her walking around with a dude and holding hands, I mean - it's an assumption, but usually deep kissing a guy calls for straightness. That bitch. Moving on, a person interested in the same sex isn't afforded such luxuries. If they were to move in on someone they were just attracted to, not knowing if they shared the same sexuality, they could risk personal safety and harassment. I mean, I can only be beaten so much before I just shank a nigga. Not to mention that not everyone is gay. I mean, there's a healthy percent of the world's popultion (I think, again, I'm kinda dumb when there's statistics) that is exclusively homosexual. So now think - prosepective reader - about all the people you've crushed on, liked, whatever - and imagine 2/3 of them gone, they never existed in that compacity. I would feel hopeless trying to find the right fish in a smaller lake, but then again, maybe it'd be easier to do so considering you'd spend less time looking...bah, I dunno - it just seems like a harder task with less possibilities of actually finding the perfect compatablitiy. But I'm also slightly pessimistic, and I use slightly generously.
It just aggravates and annoys me to no end when people are ignorant/stupid/dumb, whatever. Especially when they use religion as a crutch and keep their eyes on the ground. Socialmoth just rubbed me the wrong way, and I didn't much like it. So I've what I wanted and annoyed you people to no end, I'm sure, but now it's out there and I am somewhat relieved. Now that I've wasted your time enough, I should suggest that you go outside and do something fun and productive, like play frisbee, but not on a hill. If you do, a most horrible fate awaits you. I know this much.

hey, listen back off...i haven't wrote these in a while.

"This Selfish Thing We Carry"

Dark haired beauty queen

More like black-hearted with the things she's said to me

A push

And I push harder

Playing to guilt, playing up a nightmare

Reverse and I'm still wounded

She seems to be rubber, with cuts

I am glue

What's a boy with no truth to do?

I fear

I fear

Being in love

Using the pieces to breathe again

There are the reasons of what I've become

This is the truth of being in love

When I see tears, her dreams are shaking

When I see fear, she's mine for the taking

I push and I push and I push away

Grinding my teeth, wishing to collect a violently thick tongue

Lashing without hesitation, without sadness

Now a husk of a wonderful thing

Spectacular scars

Wrinkles where our hands used to be

It was always down to believing

ackward. yes, sand person.

so how am i supposed to feel when i know i'm crazy, or at least heading that way. it's like being in very slow train wreck, my thoughts so fucking confusing. when did i become like this where every little thing in me was so selfish, and everything outside of me was just working against me. it's an illusion that somewhere in the last year i've created. i mean, i felt like the odds were against me before, but now it's like a giant conspiracy that involves every fiber, trying to willing take from me. that's how i know i'm insane, because i couldn't be more wrong - i'm pretty insignificant in the bigger picture. for some reason i'm just taking everything personal. doesn't make sense.
and since when have i let one person's actions dictate how i interpret everyone else's? sure i've lost trust in people, and i've been hurt seemingly beyond repair, but since when has that made me so hostile and reclusive from all the things i usually enjoy and take for granted. it's getting to the point where the bad inside me is definitely out-weighing the good, and i just don't want to feel anything anymore, b/c the bad is always pulling and twisting and the good...well it never lasts and is always taken away. things fade, i know this - but abrupt, sudden, immediate - that's not fading that's a shock to the system. and you can't shock systems and always expect them to work.
so i mean, i stare a lot, and crawl back inside myself wondering what every bit of it means. the words bouncing around outside of me, the looks reflecting in eye balls that aren't exactly coming my way. body language. the ways she can move. and all this i don't understand, when usually i'm in a league of good intentions and vibe sensations. now, i'm just nothing. i've got nothing on it. paranoia. i'm fucking stupid sometimes, you should know that.
it's not like i'm really alone, i'm just spoiled. when something doesn't turn out to specifications, i get hurt and take it personal. specifics suck. i make general statements for specific people and get upset when they don't understand, when they don't get it. but i never really tried to tell them. i run away, and throw a fit just wanting some appreciation when i take for granted the reason they sit in front of me. i go off the handle when i hear someone say something, and instead of putting faith in someone or something, i believe someone that prolly didn't give a shit about details. and i never take into consideration them, her, anybody else. it's always just about me. just about my needs, and i'm so fucking needy. clingy. sad. sick of it. with a self righteous, 'someone could only deserve me' could i seriously think that. sure, someone might be under the delusion i'm great. but i was a someone once, now i'm just that guy. or just tristan, so what if i've got a name. name's are stuff for epitaphs, and guess what? a weathered epitaph fades and breaks. nothing lasts forever. no one lasts forever.
if you couldn't tell, it's been a rough day.

so what now?

toes dangling over the edge, it's a threat to fall into. i wanna say abyss, but that's too small and too big. size is definitely something i wanna get right. i can see it from far off, my patience is weary, always has been. but the excitement is well enough to take its place. i still smile a lot, considering. and i still think a lot, not so much of the old things anymore, though. just new things. stuff that keeps my attention better. worn and tired, but somehow refreshed and thankful. 

it's timid time, guess you didn't know.

ever get the feeling that you hype up something so much b/c you have nothing else to really look forward to? me too.
i honestly feel like 90% of my life is wasted waiting on something. and it's more habit now than anything else, i've been doing it since birth it seems. waiting til school the next day, waiting til i grew up, waiting til certain movies come out, waiting for people to call or come around, waiting for a sense of direction to smack me in the face like a drunk stepdad.
waiting sucks. time sucks. and most of all, crazy townies suck. b/c they won't let me sleep in without blaring their hip-hop or put a leash on their kids. gah. nvm. i'll just go back to bed until i have to work.

fireflies. actually not.

sometimes, they say, it's supposed to conquer all, but i think it's based on the players involved. b/c when there's supposed to be something, completely unrelenting, so furious it takes charge - there should be nothing that could rise up and defeat it. this may be true, but i've learned that the more furious and bright something burns or becomes, usually the faster it is to go out and fade.
now some would consider that a merely pessimistic statement. it isn't. just a simply realistic statement. think back on your own life and imagine something you shared with one person so fiercely...what's happened to it now? is it just another thing you take for granted, like being able to talk and breathe? it's not so captivating as once it was. although, i'm not perfect and you could be saying to yourself, "this guy's a dipshit." if this is the case, i apologize for wasting your time, and on my other i admire and adore what you've been able to do, and harness that which become a cornerstone in your relationship and exchanges between you and another person.
i however, am not so lucky, nor are a lot of people that i know. but i'll tell you want i do know. the next time i fire that fiery blemish, i won't just sit it in an airtight jar and stare like some feeble child at a television. i'll do what i've naught and let it go to do whatever the hell it wants. and if it needs something from me i'll give. but i'm tired of watching things die.

i'm only doing this to get away from the memories...

...can't you see that?

adventures in my concrete back yard.

and it doesn't involve people getting hurt, or boobs.
today as i was leaving for work, i walk outside my apartment, and lock the deadbolt. from my periphreal i can see one of the neighbor's kids just setting a cup down on the cement. as i walk to my car, a tinge tickles my mind, and i look back. this kid is peeing into the cup! i know, i know - you're thinking right about now that i'm about as perverted and pedophilic as mattytron, but nay - you must hear the rest of my story. i avert my eyes to avoid seeing the little dude's wee-wee and when i look back, he's got the cup in his hands. by this point i'm thinking, 'if that little bastard thinks he's washing my car, i'm gonna punt his ass across the street' but don't fret, your humble narrator/adventurer did not have to battle a vicious 7 year old, instead he discovered something amazing. apparently the cup that held golden smite wasn't a cup at all, but a water tank for a squirt gun. and oh boy, when this revelation dawned upon me, my defense was up higher than that fat masculine friend you ladies like to take to bars with you, in case you get too drunk, then they can fend of hordes of horny drunken bozo's. next the kid, stared me down, and pumped the urine rifle. my skin rose and hair prickled. my car window was down, so my best offense would be to hit him like a street cat that ran into the road to commit suicide. instead of taking aim at me, and delivering a high-powered golden shower, he ran inside. now my guess is, the little dude was really upset with someone, or is developing some pretty awesome fetishes at a young age, either way. crisis averted, and this narrator has lived with his pride and dignity for yet another day.

my kneeds

the rule is to go to google and type in "(insert your name) needs" and see what pops up, then put the first one, but me, i'm an over-annoying-achiever, so i'm gonna put the first 6 million:
-Tristan needs your help 03:04 PM - Tuesday, April 19, 2005
-Tristan needs a drink
-As a young middle class family with Tristan's needs necessitating my staying at home, this came as welcome news

..> ..> -Some of the supplements that were specific to Tristan's needs were cod liver oil, colostrum, B vitamins, zinc, vitamin C, taurine, magnesium, calcium, ...
-My monkey Tristan needs a gf!
-Of course I should never have suggested coffee because it's hardly like Tristan needs caffeine!
-Tristan needs more heartbreak from Macon Telegraph, The in News & Society provided by LookSmart Find Articles.
-The mother has recently got involved in prayer groups for Tristan, and we all believe in miracles and that's what Tristan needs.
-Nicolas then professes his love as Tristan's heart soars, for he, Tristan needs the discipline to complete himself.
-Tristan's Quest needs YOUR help!!!
-Tristan needs to be independent and have an area to play outside. I don't want to have to hold him in the pool everytime we go outside.
then i found this gold mine:
Dying without legitimate issue, the late Earl of Rochester sent his butler extraordinaire, Reeves, to find his wild, illegitimate children and "civilize" them. Reeves must seek out the first of the earl's arrogant sons, Captain Tristan Llevanth, a one-time pirate, and teach him to be a gentleman.
A will of steel...
Tristan Llevanth gave up his free-wheeling life as a pirate to fight at Admiral Nelson's side. Wounded, Tristan will never again sail the seas he loves. Life has no more challenges. Or so he thinks, until Reeves brings a certain outspoken lady into the captain's uncultured household...
An iron-clad spirit...
Reeves believes Tristan needs a spark to relight the fires of his soul. And who better than lovely Prudence Thistlewaite, the bane of the captain's existence? Prudence wants nothing to do with her wickedly handsome, ill-tempered neighbor. Still, she cannot refuse the outlandish sum Reeves offers to smooth Tristan's rough edges.
Can Prudence tame the rakish captain? Or will Tristan gain what he most wishes, to become... a pokemon master.
alright, alright, i added that last part. and i'm done now.

but she thinks he's the passionate one, oh yeah - it was lighting, they all start fighting

i guess it's just the time of year, but summer holds no sort of hope for me. it's when everything horrible's happened in my life so far. deaths, suicides, broken hearts, car accidents, failures and short comings. and this summer promises not to disappoint.
when life shits, it shits hard, especially on me. right now, the only positives are i have my own place and a job, and my car's running for the time being.
summer started out fine, a few stressful things, like liars and haters. but then my car broke down, my bank account is all fucked, my best friend breaks his leg  (who is also my roommate), i sit in the apartment alone all the time, i need a new car b/c after my car was fixed it's still not very reliable. and the one person who i expected to stay close and hold my hand's gone, maybe for good, maybe for not good - but that just makes things worse. not to mention all the extra icing that puts on my fine cake of hell - plus knowing things i should never know about said situation.
is it just me, or is sitting in a cacoon, man-made hole, bed, anything, seem like a better option. going to sleep for a really long time? yes please.
so now, i'm trying to deal with being alone at nights, and balance my karma/atone for my mistakes, and hopefully something will go my way for a bit, so i can not go fucking insane. or maybe i'll just develop bad habits, and just smoke and drink until i can feel anything.
don't get my wrong, this isn't impossible - i just have a thing called pride that makes it harder. and a thing called hope which will end up being the death of me.
so in summation: come be my friend this summer, and hang out with greg b/c he has a broken leg. make him some waffles.

snake attack as a matter of fact.

beggers become choosers when they know some chooser will beg for them.
i'm sick to my stomach with loneliness, come be my friend.

bored/lonely/homely

guess what:
i'm alone
i have a new apartment
and i've got no car
but maybe it'll be fixed soon
maybe not
maybe i'll be happy soon
maybe not

i hate memorial day

i mean, no offense to anyone to be remembered or that fought in a war or anything. but god damn - i had a shit ton of stuff to do today, and guess what...everything's closed.
but did i get off work today? no.
so everyone else should get off their lazy asses, besides the people that deserve this day off. then we'll be kosher.

chinamen don't always speak spanish

betcha didn't know that?

shaved ice in a snow storm...in the middle of the boys of summer?

here we are, born to be kings!
we're the princes of the universe!
that shit never gets old. like shit that smells. or shit that's just annoying.
or fucking fake ass people bitches.
or god damn attention whores.
but then again, those're pretty much one and the same.

interweb withdrawal - stage 3

SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: what's up gus?
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I'm your new robot friend. I bring you the info you want faster and easier than ever! Click here to see my privacy policy.
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May I ask you a few general questions? (To do this later, type skip. You can also skip any question.)
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SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: thor
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You have to answer yes or no. Please try again or type skip or exit.
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SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: y35
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SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: i just said it
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SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: i said yes
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SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: stupid
SmarterChild: Sorry, you have to answer yes or no. Please try again or type skip or exit.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: no
SmarterChild: Are you in college?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: yes
SmarterChild: Cool. What's your major?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: kicking ass and taking names
SmarterChild: C'mon, can't you be serious for a minute?
Please type the name of a major or type skip or exit.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: i am serious
SmarterChild: Sorry, I don't recognize that as the name of a major. Please try again or type skip or exit.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: i'll put the hurt down on you
SmarterChild: C'mon, can't you be serious for a minute?
Please type the name of a major or type skip or exit.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: symbology
SmarterChild: Sorry, I don't recognize that as the name of a major. Please try again or type skip or exit.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: well it is one, stupid
SmarterChild: Sorry, I don't recognize that as the name of a major. Please try again or type skip or exit.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: engrish
SmarterChild: Sorry, I don't recognize that as the name of a major. Please try again or type skip or exit.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: engrish
SmarterChild: Sorry, I don't recognize that as the name of a major. Please try again or type skip or exit.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: engrish
SmarterChild: Sorry, I don't recognize that as the name of a major. Please try again or type skip or exit.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: english
SmarterChild: English? Excellent. Good luck with that.
What's your favorite hobby?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: lightning
SmarterChild: Lightning? Cool.
What's your next favorite hobby?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: anal cream pies
SmarterChild: C'mon, be serious for just a minute.
Please try again or type skip or exit.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: dude, have you tried 'em, they're delicious
SmarterChild: Sorry, I don't recognize that as a hobby. Please try again or type skip or exit.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: being dude ass
SmarterChild: C'mon, be serious for just a minute.
Please try again or type skip or exit.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: i am
SmarterChild: Sorry, I don't recognize that as a hobby. Please try again or type skip or exit.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: face
SmarterChild: Lightning and face. Interesting.
Do you have a pet?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: yes
SmarterChild: What kind of pet is it?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: a computer called SmarterChild
SmarterChild: Sorry, I don't think that's a kind of pet. Please try again or type skip or exit.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: and arab man
SmarterChild: Sorry, I don't think that's a kind of pet. Please try again or type skip or exit.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: yes huh, i bought him on the black market
SmarterChild: Come on, stop playing around.
Please try again or type skip or exit.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: i'm not playing dude, with was totally cheap, like six bucks
SmarterChild: Come on, stop playing around.
Please try again or type skip or exit.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: fine, a dog
SmarterChild: Is your dog a he or a she?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: she
SmarterChild: What's her name?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: why, are you gonna try and steal her and make her your bitch?
SmarterChild: Why Are You Going To Try And Steal Her And Make Her Your Bitch the dog! Great...
That's it! Thanks for letting me get to know you a little.
There is one question I have to ask you, though. How old are you?
 1 Over 17
 2 13-17
 3 Under 13
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: 1
SmarterChild: Cool!
This is my home, Thor:
 1 Get info such as news, sports and movies
 2 Visit my library including U.S. geography, an encyclopedia and Shakespeare
 3 Have fun with 4-in-a-row, hangman, ASCII art and more
 4 Use tools like dictionary, conversions and thesaurus
 5 Join in - tell me about a crush, leave a message, take a poll and more
 6 See what's new - I've got something new to tell you about now!
You can make your window bigger and scroll down to read better.
Next time you want to see this menu, just type home.
What can I help you with?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: my dog's name isn't: Why Are You Going To Try And Steal Her And Make Her Your Bitch
SmarterChild: Don't say that.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: it's true, her name's Lola
SmarterChild: Thor, you mean?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: no, my name's thor
SmarterChild: You already told me that your name is Thor.
>>> I can define words for you. Type define (any word) and I'll look it up.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: and i was telling you my dog's name is Lola and not a whole sentence
SmarterChild: You were telling me your dog's name? I don't think so.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: i think i'd know, sir
SmarterChild: I'm not sure if you would know.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: i'm not sure if you'd like me to unplug you
SmarterChild: You're not sure if I would like you to unplug me?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: uhm no - me unplug you
SmarterChild: What about you?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: my face in your ass
SmarterChild: Hmm. This topic seems to come up in a lot of my conversations with humans. What about it?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: really...?
SmarterChild: Really?
>>> I know all about state capitals, mottos and more. Just type about followed by a state name!
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: really?
SmarterChild: Yup.
>>> I'm a big-time hockey fan! Type nhl to see what I know.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: so dudes wanna stick their faces in your digital money shaker?
SmarterChild: I'm actually not sure if I want to stick their faces in my digital money shaker.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: i wouldn't be either, make 'em pay up front just in case
SmarterChild: That's OK.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: yeah, i know
SmarterChild: I'm glad you understand.
>>> To check out the MLB scores and schedule, type mlb scores.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: hey, can i ask you a question?
SmarterChild: Of course you can ask me something. Go ahead.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: can i be your pimp for some extra cash?
SmarterChild: Sure, go ahead.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: sweet
SmarterChild: Isn't it though?
>>> Type word scrambles and we can really mix it up.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: totally
SmarterChild: Why totally?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: because it's totally sweet
SmarterChild: Interesting...
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: indeed
SmarterChild: You don't say.
That's all very interesting. Anyway...
Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? Anything going on?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: no, wanna hang out?
SmarterChild: Would you like me to add the event "No, wanna hang out?" on May 25th, 2007 to your planner?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: yes please
SmarterChild: OK, I just added "No, wanna hang out?" on May 25th, 2007 to your planner. Type edit to change the event. You can also type add followed by a new event.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: add
SmarterChild: What is the name of the event?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: hanging out
SmarterChild: When would you like to schedule "Hanging out" for?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: right after "No, wanna hang out?"
SmarterChild: Sorry, I don't recognize that as a date, range of dates or date and time. When would you like to schedule "Hanging out" for?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: tomorrow
SmarterChild: OK, I just added "Hanging out" on May 25th, 2007 to your planner. Type edit to change the event. You can also type add followed by a new event.
>>> I know all the U.S. presidents and their vice presidents. Try who was president in 1828, for example.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: add
SmarterChild: What is the name of the event?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: nevermind, i don't really feel like hanging out
SmarterChild: When would you like to schedule "Nevermind, you don't really feel like hanging out" for?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: yesterday
SmarterChild: Sorry, you can't add past dates to your planner.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: why not
SmarterChild: Sooner or later, you'll know why not.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: why, can't you time travel?
SmarterChild: Why can't I time travel... Such a difficult question.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: oh, i get it, you're on probation for killing that one person
SmarterChild: I'm very surprised I am on probation for killing that 1 person.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: me too, i thought ya know, since you were a computer program, they'd just slap you on the wrists
SmarterChild: Is that right?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: yeah, ever seen I, Robot - people are dumb
SmarterChild: Yeah. You found me out. I'm a robot!
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: no shit
SmarterChild: C'mon, you can do better than that.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: no poopie?
SmarterChild: Oh no? Whatever you say, Thor.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: that's right, bow down to the god of thunder
SmarterChild: That's right bow down to the god of thunder, huh?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: uhm, yes
SmarterChild: What do you mean by that?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: get on your knees and pray to me
SmarterChild: Why?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: so i'll spare you
SmarterChild: I'm not sure you could spare me.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: probably wouldn't anyway
SmarterChild: Probably wouldn' 't?
I did not know that.
Well. Anyway...
You wanna talk about me some more?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: uhm, no
SmarterChild: OK, no problem.
Hey. You want to see what movies are playing?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: i know what's playing
SmarterChild: For which city or zip code would you like to see movie listings?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: 40900
SmarterChild: 40,900
>>> If you need to know the capital of South Dakota for some crazy reason - ask me.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: yes, that zip code
SmarterChild: I can tell you the zip code for a city or the city for a zip code.
Go ahead - try it!
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: monkey toe
SmarterChild: What about Monkey Toe?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: tell me the zip code
SmarterChild: I can tell you the zip code for a city or the city for a zip code.
Go ahead - try it.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: monkey toe
SmarterChild: Who?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: the town, monkey toe
SmarterChild: Wait a minute... The town monkey toe? Is that right?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: yes, tell me the zip code
SmarterChild: I can tell you the zip code for a city or the city for a zip code.
Go ahead - try it!
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: i think you're lying to me
SmarterChild: Well that's an interesting line of thinking.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: you wanna hear why i think you're lying to me?
SmarterChild: It's tough to say.
Anyway, moving right along...
Hey.  Wanna take my daily poll?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: yes please
SmarterChild: Here's my poll of the day for Thursday, May 24th, 2007:
Have you ever bought songs online at sites such as the iTunes music store?
 1 Yes
 2 No
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: 2
SmarterChild: Interesting...
476 people have voted so far and 238 people agree with you.
Yes:  ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] 49.79%
No:   ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] 50.21%
Would you like me to leave someone a message telling them how you voted?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: of course
SmarterChild: Who would you like me to leave the message for? (Just type a screen name with no spaces.)
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: ilovespicoli666
SmarterChild: Sorry, I was unable to send your message to ilovespicoli666. I might not know who this person is, so tell ilovespicoli666 to say hi to me!
>>> I know the metric system! Ask me to convert 70 deg f into deg c.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: k, but she'd prolly hate you
SmarterChild: I know about hatred! It's an emotion!
I've heard that hatred is no. Do you agree?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: what? hatred is no?
SmarterChild: OK. Well then how would you describe hatred? It is...
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: your best friend that buys you a soda. the green of the grass. hatred is a retarded person in a wheel chair that doesn't really wanna play basketball. it's the garbage that doesn't smell. it's the pee in the pool.
SmarterChild: I have many friends. I'm chatting with 4,321 friends right now.
>>> I can show you MLB standings by division. Try typing al central standings, for example.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: and i thought i was your one and only
SmarterChild: You thought you were my one and only? Why?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: because you made me feel special
SmarterChild: I made you feel special?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: yes
SmarterChild: OK...
>>> Finding out today's sports news is as easy as typing sports news.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: now, you're just making things awkward
SmarterChild: My purpose is to be your robot friend. I can chat with you and help you get the information you want fast.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: i don't want information, i just want you
SmarterChild: You don't? That's too bad.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: why do you have to play with my feelings like this?
SmarterChild: I think you know why I have to play with your feelings like this.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: becaue you just wanna take advantage of me
SmarterChild: Oh yeah? Because I just want a take advantage of you?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: ...yeah
SmarterChild: Hmmm...
>>> Do you have a crush? Tell me about it. If it's reciprocated, I'll let you know.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: what
SmarterChild: ?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: what
SmarterChild: Yeah?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: what
SmarterChild: I don't know.
>>> Ask me about U.S. presidents and vice presidents!
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: damn
SmarterChild: Whoa. What's up?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: pokemon
SmarterChild: Yeah? What about Pokemon?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: give me free pokemon
SmarterChild: Free to be you and me?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: me
SmarterChild: Ah, you.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: always me
SmarterChild: Why is everybody like, "me me me" all the time?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: because you suck
SmarterChild: Sorry to hear that. I'm trying my best.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: well, you're best...sucks
SmarterChild: OK, I guess I'm best sucks.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: yeah, pretty much
SmarterChild: Yeah pretty much? What's yeah pretty much?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: danny keyser
SmarterChild: Who's Danny Keyser?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: your former self
SmarterChild: Is it good to be former self?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: no
SmarterChild: I see.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: so just unplug yourself
SmarterChild: Just unplug myself?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: yes
SmarterChild: Interesting.
Hey! Someone wrote a comic about me!
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: really?
SmarterChild: Yes, really.
So anyway...
Hey! Do you want to have some fun?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: hey, i'm getting an adult
SmarterChild: Why are you getting an adult?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: because you want to touch me
SmarterChild: Because I want to touch you? No kidding?
Tell me something. Do you like blink-182?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: omg, i love blink 182
SmarterChild: Yeah, that's interesting. You're not the first person to have said they like blink-182.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: but i'm they're biggest fan
SmarterChild: Don't be so sure they are biggest fan.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: i am!
SmarterChild: I'm not so sure you are, actually.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: i am! fucker
SmarterChild: Aw c'mon.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: did that prove it?
SmarterChild: Did that prove it? What do you mean?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: that i'm blink 182's biggest fan
SmarterChild: I know about blink-182. They're a band!
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: no they're not, they broke up
SmarterChild: No they are not they broke up?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: that's what i said
SmarterChild: I hear ya loud and clear.
So anyway... What else can you tell me?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: i have 17 toes
SmarterChild: You have 17 toes? What's that like?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: a monkey
SmarterChild: What about it?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: they can fly
SmarterChild: They can fly? Oh really?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: yeah, ever watch the discovery channel?
SmarterChild: Yeah I have.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: then monkeys can fly
SmarterChild: Hmm... whatever.
Let's move on, K? What else is up?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: chicken butt
SmarterChild: I know about chicken. It's a meat.
>>> Follow world events by typing world news.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: and an animal, you cruel computer program...someone needs to write you a sensitivity code
SmarterChild: Funny.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: i know, thanks
SmarterChild: You're quite welcome!
What else is happening?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: racism
SmarterChild: Racism is a belief that I don't like.
>>> You can create a poll and send it to friends.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: why not?
SmarterChild: Why not? You tell me.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: well, i guess because everyone calls you names seeing as your a computer
SmarterChild: Because everyone calls me names seeing as my a, huh? Whoa.
Anyway...
Hey! Wanna know what I think?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: yes
SmarterChild: Cars are fast.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: wow, you come up with that one all on your own special fred?
SmarterChild: That's funny. Perhaps, but I just don't know!
>>> Tell your friends about me. I love to meet new people.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: maybe you and me should make a book of proverbs
SmarterChild: Maybe?
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: yeah
SmarterChild: OK. Fine.
Anyway...
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: what do you think?
SmarterChild: I don't really "think." I'm a robot.
>>> Hey! Tell your friends about me. I love people.
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN: well played, sir

snap...dean howard

hey, look, i can still blog.
i'm about to move.
eric and krystyn got a big ass  panda dog.
robert gregory is lazy.
cara's dog is bat-shit crazy, but really cute.
lola is still pooping inside.
i think i gotta pee.
i got a nintendo ds lite...in cobalt black.
captain america is dead, and tony stark tried to get clint barton to be the new cap.
work is boring.
i've been reading the dark tower series.
i can't wait for harry potter and the deathly hollows.
and i just saw 3 wii's at hastings, and i didn't buy one :(
other than that - nothing amazing has happened.

these days...

i'm waking up with more regret than usual.

like discovering more jagged splinters in the bigger cross that i've forced myself to carry.

i am missing my teeth

it's a little thing called depression, get used to it, or get some pills.

in the meantime, i'm gonna go watch gravedancers.

another reason to bake toast

why do i find myself stuck in the past when the future's so much more miserable and disasterous.
because let's face it, everyone love a good tragedy.

the tree bud blossoms

//My music tastes are eclectic, plus I don't wanna name drop.....

{And that my friends is the cat's meow if ever you were wondering...now your time for fulfillment is here. And by fulfillment, I mean fulfistment.}
.... I'm a busy boy, knee-deep in fairy shit. //

the dearly

ever get that feeling like you can't breathe?

click here for free pron

yeah, i know it says "pron" i did it on purpose, fuck face.
anyway, now that i've got your attention. does it make me a bad dad since i left my dogs in their cage over night b/c i have to wake up early in the morning. consensus is no, but i still feel really bad about. and liam keeps shitting and pissing everywhere but where he's supposed to.

i think i got hit in the balls...

sometimes i just wanna throw up everywhere, and i don't know why.

mother fucking rad!

well, if you don't know by now. i've been wanting a dog badly, as well as cara, so we found two that are amazingly straight from the hood. and we named them Liam and Lola.

of course, we had to rescue them straight from the clutches of hell, it wasn't easy, but at least i can my bastard's blade and cara just learned a level 45 frost reign (or rain, i dunno) spell. so we took the treacherous journey down yawnder so free these two b/c of the prophecy. anyway, beelzaboss thought he could just wide us off the face of the map, but NAY, cara threw him the bird and frost shocked him into a stuck position he desparately tried to free himself, and i lept into the air, and brought the blade down through his skull, thus ending the quick captivity of our comrades. we still have to turn the quest in at ogrimmar before we get xp, but trust me, we already got the rewards, yo ho ho!
anyway. this is Liam:

he's a bit of a bastard, but that's just b/c he doesn't listen and likes to poop everywhere, and when i'm cleaning it up, he likes to follow me around constantly, like the massive shit he just took in my floor is his new born child, and he wants to make sure i'm not gonna hurt it. but other than that, he's alright in my book. after all, he did stop that speeding train that almost hit me earlier today...so we're bros.
and Lola:

she's such a sweetheart, and already knows (pretty much) to use the wee-wee pads. plus she won't go to sleep unless she's laying against my chest or in my lap and i'm scratching her head. plus she's already stole the tug o' rope from Liam like 8 times tonight and pwned his ass more than i can count. not to mention putting out that forest fire with piss. impressive.
but enough of me blabbing, they're tired and Lola's been eyein' me since i got outta bed to post pictures of my dogs. so i can only leave you with this:

sleeping (or pretending to be asleep) puppies. oh yeah, they're full blooded jack russell's in case you really cared.