in reflection with blood soaked hands

i wish i had more interesting things to say.
instead, i'm sorry will have to do, to most people.
you're not cobblestones, i assure you, i'm just an asshole.
and, well, i still don't like people, but they're the ones that deserve it.
so without further overdue. i apologize.
i just wish i had something interesting to say.

hard drive to hard where

Bigsby, i must admit. to think i pull away and admit that i'm okay with it. but somehow again i find myself memerized and i don't know why.
i bite my lip. i've already made the smarter choice, but being smart's never been my card to play. is it so wrong for me to be alone? sometimes i don't feel any other way.

note to self

when you're in england making new friends, make sure you remember the symptoms of crazy:
-lies
-noses
-estrogen
-bursting amount of testosterone
-smelly
-attention
-fashion
i think that somes up the highlights. not remember, tristan, you have a knack for pickin' 'em out of a crowd. be careful, and use that crazydar that you built.

calling all cars!

what ever happened to the kind of love that would burn down cities? where did it go?

blogger bot

how many worlds are there before i can find one to settle into and call mine? it's so easy to be unhappy and so easy to blame, but what about trying? never think of that, never give up too easily. just push to hard til things are broken. they always break. it's not about strength, more about determination. pointless to begin again b/c it'll just be the same.
doomed to repeat, loop to loop to loopy fucking loop.
it's gone, i'm just gonna have to get used to that. no charm, no charisma, just a bumbling bafoon wishing for one second the he could be cool. cute games won't play and energy is a waste. just don't know what to do with myself, keep my aching hands busy and my mind controlling all the stuff i loose control over.
i just wanna lay down and sleep for a good long while, but the world just won't let me do that. and things don't get easier from here, they just become tangible and painful.
keeping your head up does pay off, it just hurts my neck is all.

hope

sometimes i think there isn't a more pointless thing.
i read into things too much, and draw too many assumptions and conclusions from them. maybe i should give up before i even really start, and save myself the aching. it's an inevitability anyway.

gay rant

for those of you just tuning in, this is long and prolly annoying to most of you, so just sit tight if you're in the mood to read, if not, i'd suggest you close your window and go watch tv:
So I was on Socialmoth and came across this grand debate on how abnormal or normal homosexuality is. Comments thrown back and forth by derelicts and imbeciles, with some good tangents from educated folk. All in all, I put in my two cents and didn't feel elated enough to let it stop there. After all, it's not gonna change the mind of some hardcore conservative or some Bible basher by me saying what I feel, my opinion. They're too close-minded and belief biased, but then again I'm about to venture into my own beliefs and bias, which I'm sure could be picked apart and set me in league was those I just bad mouthed, but no matter, the ranting must ensue.
Firstly, a big cornerstone in the arguement was the Bible. Now, I've done my research on said subject, even wrote a research paper in high school of how it (the Bible) contradicts itself. There is a part in the Bible that reads it's a book of interpretation and the reader will take from it what they will, and that will be correct for them, the reader. (Now I don't have the exact quote, but if you really wanna know so bad, I'm sure I could dig around my old papers and find it, given time.) For instance, we take the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. A whole lot of people would like to say that they were destroyed because of the butt sex. I may be wrong since it has been a few good years since I forced my eyes to go through it, but didn't the people of Sodom and Gomorrah do other eff'd up shite besides anal sex? I mean, it was my impression that they did animals and had poop parties. So who's to say that God wasn't all like, "Dudeth sex witheth animals isn'teth cool, and that poopeth is gross, thoust will catchest something...eth." That's also assuming God isn't actually Zeus, who is quite infamous for just fucking with dudes, or even Odin, who knew the cities must be leveled or the could become a Mega New Jersey. I mean, not to offend, but the Bible might be missing a few crucial facts to the story. How many times has it been translated? A few I'm sure, and in other languages there are words that we don't have in English, and vise versa. So who knows if we're getting the full story from the guy that got hopped up on ambrosia (that's god food) and when on a stint and wrote a book (or chapters in) about the massive all-knowing diety. That's why religion requires a thing called faith.
Now, I'm not trying to attack Christianity by using their Bible, but at the same time, they are on the forefront of gay oppression. I've never heard a Buddhist or Acer yell, "Faggot!" and try to crucify someone with their words because the sexuality they chose. But then again, I may just be that far away from the religious vein that I don't know the opinions of the religions in the world. I'm also just some dude that going insane because people can be dumb. After all, it's not like this is some well educated report for an esteemed zine that's gonna be printed all over the world, no. It's a rant, and it's called so for a reason, and the only people to really read it are those of you that have been unfortunate enough to know me, and I deemed important enough to read my glorious rant. And oh, I'm not exaclty done yet.
I know homosexuality hasn't been around since the beginning of time, like back with Adam and Eve. Setting aside the fact that's it's a story, back then all we were on about was procreation, we didn't have the luxury to be gay. Now, a couple billion years later, we do. I, for one, am not gay, but I do admire the strength and determination it takes to be openly so. I mean, for instance, I can go up to any girl I find attractive and ask her on a date (not that I'd have the confidence to do so) and 9.5 out of 10 times she'll turn me down because I'm a creep and smell funny or I'm just unfortunate looking. I mean, she might say she's gay, but I'm sure it'd just be to spare my feelings, which would be very nice of her. Well, until I see her walking around with a dude and holding hands, I mean - it's an assumption, but usually deep kissing a guy calls for straightness. That bitch. Moving on, a person interested in the same sex isn't afforded such luxuries. If they were to move in on someone they were just attracted to, not knowing if they shared the same sexuality, they could risk personal safety and harassment. I mean, I can only be beaten so much before I just shank a nigga. Not to mention that not everyone is gay. I mean, there's a healthy percent of the world's popultion (I think, again, I'm kinda dumb when there's statistics) that is exclusively homosexual. So now think - prosepective reader - about all the people you've crushed on, liked, whatever - and imagine 2/3 of them gone, they never existed in that compacity. I would feel hopeless trying to find the right fish in a smaller lake, but then again, maybe it'd be easier to do so considering you'd spend less time looking...bah, I dunno - it just seems like a harder task with less possibilities of actually finding the perfect compatablitiy. But I'm also slightly pessimistic, and I use slightly generously.
It just aggravates and annoys me to no end when people are ignorant/stupid/dumb, whatever. Especially when they use religion as a crutch and keep their eyes on the ground. Socialmoth just rubbed me the wrong way, and I didn't much like it. So I've what I wanted and annoyed you people to no end, I'm sure, but now it's out there and I am somewhat relieved. Now that I've wasted your time enough, I should suggest that you go outside and do something fun and productive, like play frisbee, but not on a hill. If you do, a most horrible fate awaits you. I know this much.

hey, listen back off...i haven't wrote these in a while.

"This Selfish Thing We Carry"

Dark haired beauty queen

More like black-hearted with the things she's said to me

A push

And I push harder

Playing to guilt, playing up a nightmare

Reverse and I'm still wounded

She seems to be rubber, with cuts

I am glue

What's a boy with no truth to do?

I fear

I fear

Being in love

Using the pieces to breathe again

There are the reasons of what I've become

This is the truth of being in love

When I see tears, her dreams are shaking

When I see fear, she's mine for the taking

I push and I push and I push away

Grinding my teeth, wishing to collect a violently thick tongue

Lashing without hesitation, without sadness

Now a husk of a wonderful thing

Spectacular scars

Wrinkles where our hands used to be

It was always down to believing

ackward. yes, sand person.

so how am i supposed to feel when i know i'm crazy, or at least heading that way. it's like being in very slow train wreck, my thoughts so fucking confusing. when did i become like this where every little thing in me was so selfish, and everything outside of me was just working against me. it's an illusion that somewhere in the last year i've created. i mean, i felt like the odds were against me before, but now it's like a giant conspiracy that involves every fiber, trying to willing take from me. that's how i know i'm insane, because i couldn't be more wrong - i'm pretty insignificant in the bigger picture. for some reason i'm just taking everything personal. doesn't make sense.
and since when have i let one person's actions dictate how i interpret everyone else's? sure i've lost trust in people, and i've been hurt seemingly beyond repair, but since when has that made me so hostile and reclusive from all the things i usually enjoy and take for granted. it's getting to the point where the bad inside me is definitely out-weighing the good, and i just don't want to feel anything anymore, b/c the bad is always pulling and twisting and the good...well it never lasts and is always taken away. things fade, i know this - but abrupt, sudden, immediate - that's not fading that's a shock to the system. and you can't shock systems and always expect them to work.
so i mean, i stare a lot, and crawl back inside myself wondering what every bit of it means. the words bouncing around outside of me, the looks reflecting in eye balls that aren't exactly coming my way. body language. the ways she can move. and all this i don't understand, when usually i'm in a league of good intentions and vibe sensations. now, i'm just nothing. i've got nothing on it. paranoia. i'm fucking stupid sometimes, you should know that.
it's not like i'm really alone, i'm just spoiled. when something doesn't turn out to specifications, i get hurt and take it personal. specifics suck. i make general statements for specific people and get upset when they don't understand, when they don't get it. but i never really tried to tell them. i run away, and throw a fit just wanting some appreciation when i take for granted the reason they sit in front of me. i go off the handle when i hear someone say something, and instead of putting faith in someone or something, i believe someone that prolly didn't give a shit about details. and i never take into consideration them, her, anybody else. it's always just about me. just about my needs, and i'm so fucking needy. clingy. sad. sick of it. with a self righteous, 'someone could only deserve me' could i seriously think that. sure, someone might be under the delusion i'm great. but i was a someone once, now i'm just that guy. or just tristan, so what if i've got a name. name's are stuff for epitaphs, and guess what? a weathered epitaph fades and breaks. nothing lasts forever. no one lasts forever.
if you couldn't tell, it's been a rough day.