do they really dream?

the comforts of life seem uneasy, and the time comes when i'm suffocating so loudly. the thrashing never stops, the dream always dies.
so what's left?
an ambiguous thought that screams and cries and peels back the layers of what's really happening. see it for what it is, but don't understand it.
so what's happening?
it's happening, over and over and over and over again. a reeling brain, waiting ever so impatiently for the fish hook to sink in and take it away. take the bait. set the bait. refresh the excess.
so what's else is there?
there is nothing else, in the re-run sitcom that hits the air every day. it's watched, it's critiqued. it's really not that something else we're dying for. regurgitated, reanimated, and chopped into pieces to be packaged and sold.
don't disregard me.
fuck you.
the twat. the cunt. the bitch.
i'm the liar. i only lie to myself.
but i guess i'm just happier that way.
a calloused shell of what is human. and suffers from the human condition.
nothing's ever okay.
but it's always fine.

yes, i wrote something. fuck you.

"Waking Up Is Still Honest"
Madeline held her hand under the water
Broken after three years alone
"Where are you now, James?"
Her reflection empty, her words hollow
On the night stand his glasses still sit
With a newspaper for the day he comes back
Her wrinkled hands still traces the shoulders of his shirts
She'd go, but she'd die if she didn't stay here
And she wouldn't be alive anywhere else
Oh, Madeline, he ain't coming home tonight
It's been five long years, now, and counting twelve more days
When he was leaving, James had one foot in the grave
And a pain in his chest
Madeline, when will you be alright?
He didn't pack his bags, he didn't write a word down
"Old men don't need those things when they go to die."
So James closed the door and walked out into the street
Madeline lost to their bed, still asleep
And he sighs, "Madeline, I ain't coming home tonight."
She pours herself some tea
Waiting for her last chance to be happy
The days wander off, and the clouds wander in
She knows she'll always love him
But how long can she survive on love alone?
And the day that she died, she still felt the pain
The last words to grace her lips:
"James, my darling, are you coming home tonight?"

sweet sweet karma

amazing people say amazing things.

&i was around some amazing people last night.
&they made it like it used to be.
hi-fives all around.

if Shareef don’t like it...

so lately, i've been thinking a lot. and it doesn't bother me anymore. i've desensitized myself to it. not that i'm happy about it, but i've got to the point where i don't care anymore. which is one of the better things to happen to me lately. not to say life has been a shit-hole like last month.
i'm also back to that place where i was longer ago, when i was just content with nothing. i've floated back to a previous addiction to soak up all my brain time, but that's just b/c of the holiday season. i'm not hurt by it, either, just wishful thinking and fond memories. but right now, i'd rather not be any place else.
my head cold is subsiding, and as strange as it may sound, being sick has caused a form of clarity to rise in my way of thinking, and that's just plain good timing. but i still hate the germs and strains of cold, b/c suffering them is annoying and inconvenient, not to say i haven't counted my blessings already.

and to those clever few, fuck you, b/c i'm better off without the mucky shit you try and use to weigh me down. fucking brain games and lies. what a couple of assholes.

no fucking way.

so this was a weird thing that just happened to me, really fucking creepy weird:
so i'm staying up passed my bedtime working over a story. and the part i'm working on is a real graphic murder plot, with some vivid imagery that will probably seem somewhat unsavory for some people. regardless, as far as i'm paying attention to anything (especially with this shitty fucking head cold) my hands are on the keyboard, but i do have this absent-minded tick when i'm writing, where i'll rub my shoulders and drag my hand across my back. so i'm doing this here and there, and writing and being completely oblivious to everything in the world. then i finish. i save. and i come back around, and look down at my left hand, and it's covered in dried up blood. so i freak out, run to the bathroom, look in the mirror at everything, and i'm not bleeding. nothing. but i have all this dried blood on my fingers.
so i shrug, wash it off, and decided to blog about it.
and that's my night. have a better one.

like you didn’t already know

but eternal sunshine of the spotless mind = amazing.
that and pan's labyrinth just rocked my world in ways i forgot that it could be rocked. or maybe it's just that i have a head cold... who the fuck knows?

and the hits keep coming...from foreigner and bad company. seriously.

so today i found out, among other things, that my cousin has a brain tumor.

seriously. why can't life be boring again...instead of shitty.

balderdash.

for some reason, england didn't seem so far away.
i really almost had it all together this time. swell.

its a mass of entangled words that have cadence in my head.

i haven't wrote anything in a while, so i thought i'd share. and after 8 years of writing this shit, you'd think i'd get some other sort of fucking inspirado besides heart ache. ah, but the simplest medicine is always the best, no?

"Divide the Tab"

Well, the devil's water tastes so sweet

And I'm not gonna miss you right now

There's a crowd staggering around me

And they don't wanna see me down

They recognize the thought behind my eyes

Its too real for right now

The devil beckons me, "Come and have a drink."

"There's enough time tomorrow."

But when tomorrow blisters my eyes

I'd really rather be done

My mind needs its rest

And my pillow's not a good sponge

I tilt my head, try to wipe it clean

The burn in my chest just let's me know

How far I've shoved you down

The devil's water, it tastes so sweet

And he's kept the black label on just for me

With directions and scribble:

"Come visit when you get the chance."

I found my way to the bottom

But I didn't find any answers this time

"This Be the Trouble We're In"

So the hook caught

And we're falling off course

The check bounced

And I'm all out of time

For all the things that never begin

Oh, look at the trouble we're in

Face down

To the bottom of the bottle

Cold hands

Sweat the label to shreds

And its time for the castle to collapse

Oh now, I think its time for another relapse

Simple buttons I push on you

Bring those cold things out of you

And I'm not twisting your arm, darling

But you've brought it on back to me

Headstrong

I'm pretending I'm a martyr

The flames lick

And I'm done with charades

Build the broomsticks up to heaven

And, oh, how can I say no?

"These Mechanisms Turn"

She never looked back, he never looked ahead

Now he regrets the things she never said

And he lies awake in an empty bed

Waiting for her to come lay down her tired head

But that'll never be

He'll never see

She's much more happy

He only wanted to see her whenever she would permit

He only wanted to be with her and quit feeling like shit

So what if he can't forgive himself for crying alone

This place inside his chest doesn't feel like home

And he'll never be

On the same page as she

She's much more happy now

More than he'll be

And how, hypocrite is a word dawned more often

Wasted oxygen canvases the room and reeks of confusion

He wants to hold her hand, she'd only pull away

That look in her eyes says she's ready to leave

That's the last time she'll leave

And he'll be sorry they couldn't see

But she's much more happy, now

Happier without me

yes, yes, i know. they get a little rocky b/c sometimes i try too hard to rhyme. but i felt like sometimes, cheap quick validation for myself is the best way to push out loneliness.

cheers to you all, bitches and not.

once again, i find myself quite on the inebriated side, and find myself also online to rant and vent and confess all things that need not ever be mentioned.
i realize how wrong i am about a lot of stuff. especially when my pride and other such selfish things aren't so intact. so apologies all around to those who deserve it. mainly most ex-girlfriends (with the exception of one or two, but i know who those are) and a few friends who've fallen between the lines of what i deem important and now.
i'm a selfish dick, i know this, and i'm not really willing to change it, you can jump on the wagon and be friends or not. but know that i'm only looking out for 1 right now, and if someone falls into the category of things i can do without, i'm sorry, but i'm sure you can assume where said person falls and goes.
and to those i don't speak to (mainly one person i can really think of), i'm sorry that i've been such a dick (in my terms especially), but please realize that i'm not doing it to be an asshole or anything of the sort. i just need time, like everyone needs time. i'm not strong enough to take such a blow and keep going like i'm invincible, i'm human and there are things that i won't let myself go into detail about, and they're a tough obstacle to overcome. that being said, i know its dumb for that to be in the way, especially since time was short. but as they say, those candles burn brighter. and i'm still finding it hard to see.
october's sucked. here's to november, and hoping its better.
cheers.