guess who’s at it again?

i'm staving off sleep as long as i can.
it's like i'm in a trash can. feeding of the narrow strips of light. biding my time, waiting 'til i'm in the clear. but that's not the way shit flies around here. you have to stick your neck out. man it up. be responsible, else you find yourself weighed and wanting, and possibly in exile.
silly fucker, don't you see it? i see it. and it's no good. none of it, it's poison, and you're just consuming more and more every day. letting your mind rot thinking on the past.
stupid fucker, the burden's only yours if you let it rest on your shoulder like a cross. you'll get splinters and blisters, and the sun won't forgive you if you can't forgive yourself and let it go. it's not yours to carry.
why do i do this? i don't really care what i or anyone else thinks. but i'm still here. doing this. typing. it's mostly rediculous. all on deaf ears my friends. deaf ears.

why should i stay?

it's not difficult to understand. but it's not like the process of contemplation is the same. the analogy is simpler now, and it explains how i understand and see the world. and it makes perfect sense of things.
that being said. you should know. and i know the sweet things you say aren't about me, but i can pretend. right? lying to myself isn't as bad as lying to another person. i can make choices for myself, difficult decisions, and since it's me, whatever mistakes i make i have to deal with. so lying to myself is almost like not looking at my severed hand until i'm ready. right? right.
oh, and btw, it's not science. it's poetry. just in case you thought you should know.

btw, it’s exactly what it seems.

i'm sorry that i post these things i write. but you don't have to read them. (just for future reference...and past)

"Not a Perfect Scientist"

We break our part, and fall the same

Eyes to the ground, feet dragging

What'd you expect me to say?

Something witty and unbecoming of me?

Well, my pain and suffering's used up

I've got nothing else to show you

All my guns are rusted, blades broken

But you can have my venom

It's the best I can offer you

Flashes of lights and white dots

Dizzy like I hit my head

But it was us instead

Fluttering and shuttering like butterflies

I won't be your friend, I just want to be your lover

I don't care about the hours to come without you

Highlights streak passed the blurs

I skipped a beat a moment ago

Now I'm rushing through air

Burning it up like compliments on you

Forget about the minutes to come

We could never move mountains

We could never change stars

Fall, fall, contagious from the table

Spreading fair for what's there

And I'll sing it like it was yesterday

Before the curtain call comes this way

Funny how it all just disappears

When we fall away

We just fought anyway

But your love speaks volumes

Just not about me

And I can hear the cement calling

Like a jigsaw falling into place

another friendly reminder

everything is overrated. love, happiness, hatred, sadness, music, movies. every fucking thing.
life is just a trivial thing that we get caught up in from time to time, in between life and death and knowing all the secrets when we're released from this burden of a shell we call the living. the fog is so thick, the smell is so putrid, the taste is so bitter.
but treck on, b/c no one understands it the way you do. make them understand b/c if you go before they do. you're the coward. you're the asshole. you're the person who abandoned them. not the other way around.
it's all relative, meaningless bullshit. do what you want, accept whatever consequences are shoved upon you, b/c that's the way things work, and at least make it a point to not be one of those fucking robots.

this explains a few things

Missed the last train home
birds pass by to tell me
that im not alone
well im pushing myself
to finish this part
i can handle a lot
but one thing i'm missing is in your eyes

have you seen this film
it reminds me of walking down the avenue
well im washing my hands of attachments,
yeah i will land on the ground
but one thing I'm missing is in your eyes

it's by Rogue Wave, and it's called "Eyes"
you should give it a sit down. it's quick and painless, and you may even enjoy it a little.

i don’t sleep well, apparently.

i hate it when familiar dreams are invaded by unpleasant people that are trying to be pleasant and loving. when really they're just a twat.
i know what it really means, and i know what i want it to mean. it's still no good.