I waste a lot of my life just waiting...

Oh my dear Braille-Reader, how I've lost myself in the murky dumps of my own self-imposed misery.

That's a pretty good opening line, right?

But on to the point, in such a vague sense: I'm never prepared. I've finally gotten a handle on the process, factoring out the immediate, knee-jerk response to all my worry and pain and anxiety. Because, to face it, I was already prepared for nothing, so what's the point of worrying about going back to it? You see? I'm not as dumb as I look.

Finally, however, I realize the plights of those that came before. The ones that looked at me with teary eyes while my blank face stared back at them. I suppose this is why I'm the one that feels all the more now. Or maybe I felt too much from the beginning, and being overwhelmed, locked those feelings away until I convinced myself they never existed. Either way, this boat has lost it's paddles and I'm floating now, for better or worse, to the end of this stream. It could dry up. It could lead to a waterfall of spiky, jagged rocks. Or it could lead out to the ocean and forever. Time and patience will tell, and though I wish and hope for so many things, I've adjusted my expectations to something more realistic, likely a little pessimistic to save myself in the end, yet save for the surprise of happiness.

I do, however, relish the fact that I'm not my usual self. Albeit, I've been a tad in the deep end of my emotions, but it's nice to feel again and know that I'm actually human. And know that others CAN effect me in positive ways. I only wish that I could manage those hopeless moments where I imagine everything crashing down around me. I wish I could have exactly what I want, when I want it. But that's not life. That's not realistic. And though I am a dreamer, I also understand reality and am bound by it's laws. But to be able to break a few every now and again, is that so much to ask?

I hate that feeling of defeated uncertainty. 

Somewhere deep inside of me, there's a failure waiting to get out and crush me, Braille-Reader. In that shallow, murky cesspool of self-confidence, a karmic sabotage is just waiting to be sprung.  

I've spent a lot of time lately thinking on the emotional spectrum and drive behind it. I don't really know that I've figured anything out. If anything, I understand myself a little better here and there, but I'm even more profoundly confused by other people. Their perceptions and processing of what I take to heart or disregard are wholly different.

I've found similar opinions and ideas about things, usually shared with the people I'm closest to, however, I've never met someone with the same processing I have, save for one now, but I'm still not sure how aligned that is. That's neither a good nor bad thing, just fascinating and new. I've often thought of myself as having a bit of a cold demeanor - being able to distance myself from emotion and regard each situation after I've shaken loose of its initial shock. Lately, though, the shock hasn't been wearing off as quickly and I feel my reasonably fair and logical way of looking through things has become a bit skewed.

I can't tell if I like this or not, finding myself vulnerable to this primal instinct again, pissing contests for territory. All I know is that I'm smarter now that I was, more aware. I hope that makes a difference. If not, all my sage-like wisdom is going to lose all its weight.

Last Year's Fortune Cookie That Got Everything Right

"Sometimes you poop, and sometimes you don't always make it to the toilet. Good job for making it to the toilet every time."

Lucky numbers: 6, 6, 6

Learn chinese:

这是他妈的金属，兄弟 Zhè shì tā mā de jīnshǔ, xiōngdì

Yesterday's Fortune Cookie That Got Everything Wrong

"You will experience a catastrophic event that will lead to the usurping of the King's crown in a far away land. Then and only then will you receive the reward of knowledge."

Lucky numbers: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

Learn chinese:

迪克剑 Díkè jiàn

I haven't felt particularly keen on writing anything as of late. Hell, I haven't even been working enough to make my well paying job worth it. 

And it goes to prove some sort of ebbing tide of long faded nostalgia, that five years ago today was still arguably one of the worst days (and thusly beginning one of the darkest and most painful periods) of my life. I feel that I've learned a lot about how to live since then. I've dealt with a lot, as well, but one thing that will never change is the armor that my soft skin has grown over since then. The appreciation and beauty I see in life and the interaction and relationships between people and the importance and fragility of it all. I appreciate more than I ever have before and all because I lost (what I considered) everything and broke myself down piece by piece over the years, learning that I was never anything more than I had to give and I never gave anything of myself. 

So where ever you are, out there in the great and wonderful world or some passersby's imagination, know you're still in my heart, informing the small growths I have every day. I could not have made it this far without you and never hoped (after knowing you) that I would have to. 

To the rest of our lives, apart, and hoping that we're worthy of every second.