the x-mas gift list

i decided since everyone seems to be posting what they got for christmas, i'd post my list.

-ten bucks (from my uncle Larry & aunt Johana)
-cologne (from a couple of aunts and uncles)
-survival knife
-jeans
-an old navy thermo shirt
-dawn of the dead remake which i took back and traded for the new extended lord of the rings
-cherry cordials
-star wars trilogy
-an awesome road site kit & 5 bucks (from jesi's parents)
-gungrave vol. 1 & 2 (from jesi)
-blaster balls
-almost famous (from my sister)
-and $20 hot topic gift card which i spent on a neuratically yours dvd and a happy tree friends mini-dvd
-and lastly mom wants to get me a track jacket, but since they're so flippin' expensive, and i can't find one i like, she offered instead to get shaun of the dead and dawn of the dead (1978) box set

and that's my freaggin' list bitches

merry flippin' your own christmas

yeah, so it's the day after jesus's b-day, what's that equal, sales. and i took a journey to the l-ville today with my parents so mother could get x-mas decorations for cheap. the power keeps cutting in and out, but mostly stays on, although like two days before christmas the flippin power was out. it was freaggin stupid, and i froze like a popcicle. the ice was cool, i took some photos with my stupid camera phone, nothing great cuz the detail on it sucks, but it served its purpose, document the ice, what?

so the presents were good - some clothes, some dvds, some gift cards - which i spent on dvds, and mom wanted to get me a track jackets - but didn't know where to go, so i still kinda have a present on the wait. the only real place to go is hot topic for anything i like in track jackets but their selection sucks, it's either nightmare before christmas, or - nothing. fuckin' shit. they had a converse one a while back, it was black with pink trim and collar and converse logo, it was flippin sweet but now it's gone.

and i had like five flippin inches of ice on my car, gosh. a whole hell of a lot, and i got to chisel it all off, just because pops was all like, you should do it because it's gonna get colder (this was back after the initial storm and the following nights were gonna be below zero). so i did, and i was like karate kicking my car, and elbow dropping it to get all the ice off.

i spent so much freaggin time painting my nephew's room - it's was a simplistic design for the train and everything - but tedious none the less, and annoying.

i'm tired and aggravated cuz i can't find a flippin track jacket i like. mother f------ internet, it's only awesome when you don't know what you're really specifically looking for, but when you are - you can't hardly find a flippin thing.

cough, hack, cough, hack, suffocate, die

so yeah, the sickness is letting up, albeit slowly though. i've been so bored, cuz i'll wake up at 6 in the morning and not go to bed until about midnight or so. but i'm not tired - prolly still have some fuel from the almost two day sleep. but yesterday to pass the time, i watched every fucking special feature on the alien quadrilogy that i have, and now i know way too much about the alien franchise...for instance: the alien in the first movie - you could see it's skull through the dome on it's head, and it was considered a b movie...interesting stuff...well, if you're a loser that wants to make movies some day (i.e. me). then i watched the fly/fly 2 and they're horrifically gross, but good movies nonetheless. and my nephew got home and invaded the television, so i took a nap. i got to talk to jesi yesterday a bit, it was nice - but i still haven't got to see her AT ALL! b/c my car is stupid and her parents don't like her driving, well neither do i but as long as i have a ride i'm not complaining (j/k). i miss her. but the rest of the week shouldn't be that bad, it's what - four days 'til x-mas eve, five 'til x-mas. and a snow storm's supposed to be coming in thursday - so it'll actually feel like christmas, which is hasn't in the past couple of years. but i'm so bored out here, there's nothing to do at all, i kidna wanna go back to school, cuz if i'm bored out there it's my choice, and at least i have a faster interet connection. today i'm supposed to help my sister paint my nephew's room - which i am sleeping in - cuz i don't get my own fucking room over here (bitches). so hopefully i'll get high off the paint fumes or something, just one thing to make these next two weeks pass a little bit faster than they have, plus i wanna see a bunch of people that i haven't got to, like from NCHS (or at least they went there when i did), i kind've forget how old i am sometimes. alright, well this is getting pretty lengthy, so i'm gonna git r accomplished. maybe suck down some cough medicine cuz the sick's not lettin' me breathe.

i just slept through a day and a half, holy crap!

that's a new record for me, 42 hours of sleep. and it was nice, pretty much straight and all the way through. but i had to vomit a couple of times to get there. but i went to the doctor and got some anit-nausea/vomit medicine and it knocks me out for like six hours at a time. they actually gave me a shot of the stuff before i left the doctor's office, and i was asleep in like ten minutes flat. actually there's a funny story about the doctor's office, while i was waiting to get in to see the doctor some jehovah's witness talked to me for like 20 minutes, and after she left, the other woman in the waiting room starting talking about the jehovah's witness and how she used to come to her house and everything, until one day the woman was washing dishes and looked up and the jehovah's witness woman was there. the other woman said she reached up on top of her fridge and pulled her gun down, and told the jehovah's witness to get out off her house. so i don't know who i'm really supposed to be afraid of, the non-stop talking jehovah's witness, or the gun-toting catholic woman...ah, the world is full of all kinds isn't it. but yeah, i'm still all dizzy from sleeping sofa-king-long. and my back hurts. well, i might as well just get off here now, cuz the parents want to go to elizabethtown. buh bye

I can't remember the last time any of this made sense

i am so sick right now, oh my fucking goodness. i can't sleep, can't stop bitching (in my head, cuz my throat hurts way too bad to talk). so anyway giving you fags an update. went to wal-mart today with jesi. she bought x-mas presents for her family. and i gave her my presents to her, and made her open 'em, hopefully she really likes 'em and isn't just humoring me. but i got back home around 10:17 or so, and moped around and progressively got sicker and sicker...i watching nightmare before x-mas with my nephew, and fell asleep but that little bastard with his tricks and vile forms, turned on the living room light and wake my tired/sick ass up. and i haven't been able to fall asleep again. so i just watched some movies...rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, easy rider, and aliens. then my parents got up and left for work, so i'm doing this shit. and i'm so tired. but hopefully i'll be better before x-mas just because it would suck to be dragged everywhere when i'm totally sick and grumby. and i'm so tired and sick and grumpy, like a mother fucker. kill me. buh bye.

hey guys, you wanna watch a movie

this is a stupid little song i wrote about sonic the hedgehog - mainly #2 b/c i think it's really the best outta all the sonic's three and CD were okay - i didn't really play that (CD) very much. but without further ordue (i know i didn't spell that right).

Sonic

Here he comes, there he goes, all I saw was a blur of blue
Trails of smoke, freed animals, and destroyed machines in his path
Cutting his quick feet through the green grass of Emerald Zone

Overcoming each obstacle that gets in his way
So fast, I can't see him

Collecting those seven chaos emeralds
To become the ultimate he can be
After collecting fifty rings

Running faster than whispers, quicker than the wind
Fighting the good fight against evil controlled androids
Just like another short blue man did

He's flying through the air, nothing can stop him, nothing
Collecting those gold rings, his furry mutant friend beside him

Who knew that some hedgehog could be this fast
Who knew that some hedgehog could be this blue
Fighting the good fight against bad androids
Like another short dude that wore blue did too

-you can blame this on me listening to a lot of nintendocore - those sons of bitches

thank god for the holidays...eh

ya know, it seems (from reading my lg's friend's list) that most people get depressed during the holidays because it's just an unfriendly reminder of how their family isn't like the cleaver family on leave it to beaver. but no one's is. it kinda makes me depressed and makes me wanna go on a big shpeel about how life is for me really behind the facade, but maybe i'll do that when i get back to school (cuz the internet connection here really stinks) but it's makes me wanna go all bleeding heart, and i feel bad because this time of year, people are supposed to be happy with their families, not reveling in the dysfunction of it all. i don't even know why i'm making an entry maybe something just struck a chord of how everyone grows up and suddenly your dad isn't the super hero you thought he was when you were little, or your mom can't make all your problems go away like she once could. it just makes me depressed and think about all my friends (esp. the ones i really don't know anymore) and think about the way i act, so nonchalant that nothing matters, but everything really does.

i'm sorry for yelling at you and telling you to shut up, something's just going wrong inside and i don't know what, i feel so...whatever, and i feel so bad.

i'll have to continue you this another time...even longer - so be prepared cuz i do have a lot on my chest - beware!

idle times make for an interesting sewing kits, maybe i'll bandaged my wrists...and these memories

well the word on the street is, i'm prolly failing my latin class, cuz three or more absences is automatic dunce, and i've got about five or six...fuck me in the ass. i email my awesome german professor and maybe he'll cut me a break, but if not - such is life, and such is me not being responsible enough to go to college.

last night was fun, people hung out - josh was drunk like a stupid person cuz he had a test @ 8 in the morning - fuck that shit. i see the point in drinking when you have nothing to worry about the next day...like earlier...but that's stupid, and when you openly accept that you're an alcoholic and then blame it on robert smith, you're just fucking trendy. it bugs me, but then again i'm almost OCD about things, especially when it comes to josh ideolgy cuz i really don't fucking get it at all. but to move on, jason tortured all with his hentai of shitting and enemas, and watched over and over again, sometimes i wonder it a race for some fucked up shit, who would win, nick with his dildo in the pee-hole porn, jason's fucking sick shit hentai with eggs and urine drinking, or me with my insest porno and animal torture videos from peta that make me wanna eat some fast food...ah who the fuck cares anyway.

talked to jesi last night, got on her case a little for a tuff that i just discovered...muahahahahaha. and i miss her, she's great. well, i'm a loser and i'll i do is play on my computer...cuz i have no life...just my machine.

dance dance revolution..........is gay

FUCKING AWESOME! my professor emailed me back, and i'm not failing latin - it's just so long as i pass the exams....YES! i'm not completely fucked

fattening food is good, but food that's been killed just so you can eat it...even better

so yeah, this weekend...nothing special - it was okay. got to chill w/ my family which is nice, cuz you really don't realize how much you miss 'em until you're only around them maybe two or three days a week. so i chilled with pops a lot, cuz mom was shopping for x-mas...saturday night mom & tia decided to put up x-mas stuff when they got home, and i put up her friggin' tree which gave me a flesh wound. then i got to talk to jesi and wish her a happy birthday, which is awesome. sunday, helped pops with his po' barn, i wonder why they call it a po' bar, perhaps it's because a po' man has to build it....woka woka. oh, and i finally got my dvds out of storage, which took like an hour...felt like i was in the freakin' temple of doom or something, having to climb and move things everywhere, but i fuckin' got 'em. so now, i can waste precious time by watching anime again...cuz i'm a big loser. oh, and i'm gonna post my song that i was inspired to write after playing super nintendo all week, and listening to minibosses, and horse the band. so here it is bitches.


My Heroes Were Built By Nintendo

I was only a little more than five or six when the time came
The time when I would have to save the world, one level at a time
Block by block, dungeon by dungeon, I conquered by enemy
And became the person that destiny wanted me to be

Take the time warp Marle built, this catastrophe was an accident
By now the world is in peril, and I am the only one they can turn to

The princess was kidnapped again, by that King Koopa
I'll stomp every last goompa and find my way through this maze
The maze built of green tunnels, that can't keep this plumber down

And if I charge up my heart, I can shoot my sword with power
Knock down that demon they fear and call Ganon

I'll fly to outer space, and take on a sex change just to take on the space pirates
Control the metroids so they don’t break loose and control the universe
With my bio-suit, I’ll save this whole galaxy if I have to, and I will

My father went off to duel to the death, and left me this letter, and this sword
I must find Mr. Smith, and keep the statue in my possession
So the 700 years slumber of this demon, will not be interrupted
But now, I must become the Dragon Ninja, to save the world, yet again

With this A button, I'll attack
And with this B button, I'll jump
It's all I need to save this world
Time and time again
One level at a time

i feel like i'm growing another brain on my forehead

yeah, well let's see - where should i start with me and my life. okay, well thursday night i drank, and got drunk. that was okay - the next morning was hell, cuz for an hour and a half i had this horrible urge to shit and vomit, i shat but as for the vomiting i had no luck because i didn't have any food in my weak stomach. so then i fell asleep and woke up so feel better, with a slight hangover, but it still sucked cuz i had a hangover and it was my first. ate, went to class, packed, talked to jesi, came home, dropped josh off, was gonna hang out with lance but he wasn't home, came home hung out with my parents an went to sleep. woke up, took a shower - then dad gave me the mail from bank one - the people i'm getting my student loan from...and i got the loan...the only thing that sucks it - it barely covers my fee, cuz i didn't know what i was doing, and i don't have a job to pay on it yet - which also sucks. another thing that confuses me is that i borrowed 3,500, but the payment paper says that i'm eventually (when i'm finished paying it off) am gonna pay like 7,257 or something, and that's kinda bullshit...but yeah and it sucks cuz i gotta take another out for the second semester. oh well, that's all life is, about being in debt with banks and the government. just gotta be sure to try and keep my head above water. hopefully, i won't drown....maybe i should cuz you the best from physical teachers, like when your dad whips your ass because you fucked with his tools...or something like that. oh well, such is life.

these tanks of time keep shoving forward into land unmarked and unwanted

to say i'm okay would not be far from another lie, but to say i'm depressed would be far too dramatic. i am me, right now, i am nothing. a nihilist. simply here, not thinking, barely doing - trying to keep up with whatever tide is coming in, and trying not to float back out with it. my eyes are burning because the computer screen has become my life out here, i mean i do things, but i sit her far more. this is just hopefully a rut i'm hitting. don't worry this is just some insides of mine coming out, i'll pretend everything's okay...because basically everything is okay, and i'm not gonna let on otherwise, except for this small pathetic attempt at a journal entry. lupin the third is such a good show, i don't care what anyone else has to say. well, this weekend should be fun, very fun. and i'll try to enjoy though i can't help but feel that i'm rolling down a big hill, and i'm still not hitting bottom, not yet.

KILL EVERYDAY ON THE CALENDAR

this has just been really shitty times for me lately, i make my bed and have to lay in it. betraying everyone and and fucking myself at the same time. could things be any worse? yeah, but i'm the one that made 'em that way, so what's the point of bitching if i'm the problem. i'm such a stupid prick...always fucking things up for just about everyone around me. is death ever an answer? prolly not, but hey sometimes you can't help but wonder. i apologize to everyone, nothing should've been a big deal, then it become this thing that was way out of proportion and totally fucked. i lie, that's what i do when i feel like i might be suffocating, and i lie to protect (at least it seems that way) but lying never helps anything and i should know that by now. but i'm too stubborn to learn a goddamn thing. so how about i just crawl in a fucking hole. that would benefit everyone else, whether they know me or not. and eventually the problems would fade away with time, like most do. keep working on the problems that we never seem to solve. i have to at least make things better before i move on with the crawling into a hole thing. i owe it to you, jesi.

Am I Dead Or Just Dying?

i don't know why, but i like that phrase. but i'm neither sorry to disappoint the few who'd like me to die. i'm just sick and recovering. not really doing much, skipped a few classes b/c of the common illness. but nothing much happening in richmond for tristan. i just do what i can and play halo with the hippies in the hall, and listen to my neighbor's loud rap music. but now i must go, i don't know why i really posted maybe cuz i think someone does read this besides nick & glen (who like to laugh) but that's them and they're assholes, but they're my friends so whatever. alright later.

another zombie song

Monroeville Mall

This mall, dismal, these faces are so vacant, could we stay for a while
So safe, such a fort, all we have to do I block the doors
This place, our plague, we have everything we could ever need
So just tonight, let’s stay, we will watch the sunset and rise on Monroeville

Is it on hundred or two hundred dead faces, aimlessly killing time
Wandering here because they have no where else to go, don’t know where else to go
It’s these primal thoughts that bring them back here again
A couple bricks through the window, a single slut in the head

Slowly falling apart, one going down by one, we start with the trucks
Trampoline projections, the second run was the worst
First went the arm, and then the leg, it was suicide
And we slowly tore ourselves apart, same sane company day in, day out

Eagerly waiting for survivors, still waiting for scavengers
As they come and tear our fortress apart, piece by little piece
Letting in these blue skinned freaks, that love to eat
It’s a party, with motorcycles, guts, and brains

The scavengers may be gone, but the threat still lives
What can we do, over run by the dead
Where will we go, what stories could unfold
We’ll just have to put all our faith in Romero

my zombie song

i'm posting my lyrics of a song about zombies, actually a zombie, but yeah - the title changed, it was the longest night alive, but now it's not - see...

"Early Sunsets On The East Coast"

Blood stained shirts and bloodshot eyes
Its not so easy to sift through the lies
You said this, I retorted with that
God knows I didn’t want it to end up this bad

The shotgun’s in the kitchen, sitting on the counter
There’s puddles on the floor, smears on the door
Smashes through the window, cracks through the boards
I’ve never had to fight so hard, for something I took for granted
But now here I am with blood soaked hands

They are everywhere now, waiting for us like blood-crazed leeches
Watching us with those hungry hungry eyes
And when you fell, I couldn’t do anything, I was helpless
There was blood all over and you were screaming
I couldn’t do anything but watch you slowly fade away

So I had to carry you back to our boarded shelter
And I pointlessly bound your wounds to ease the pain
You moaned so loud, you screamed death
All I could do was sit and wait until you turned
It was the longest night I’ve ever live through

When the cover slid off your face, I knew the time had come
So now with this crowbar in my hand, there is only one choice
I closed my eyes and as they burned, I smashed you out of torture
With the tears dripping from my eyes to wash the blood away
I finally realize that I’m not okay anymore

THIS IS MY TIME TO...CRAP

well yeah, not a whole lot going on in the life of...just jesi getting home and having to unpack all her freaggin' crap, but it's wasn't bad at all she fixed me some tuna wiggle, it was great and i had four bowls, and i still weigh 132 lbs. i'll never gain weight...well until i'm over 40 then i'll be a good year blimp, but yeah. i went up at the end of Annie Get Your Gun, friday night, and i saw a bunch of all homies - it was nice, just made me miss high school, somewhat with all my friends and losing touch with the people i was used to seeing every day. and poor bobby, his car broke down and his g/f broke up with him, and he works @ taco bell. hopefully things'll look up for him. patrick's supposed to come back sunday, so i'm hoping back saturday to have something planned like a welcoming home party for him, and one for jesi - might as well just call it, good first year at college guys. and if i do it'll be here, at my home.

also i really hope i get into eku - cuz jayo will be my room mate and hopefully we can get a band thing going. which would be cool, seeing as the whole vx thing is falling apart for me, cuz i can't ever make it to practices, cuz i'm always working and then when i get off and i try to go over there, no one's home - urk - plus i don't have any equipment since i freaked out and took the p.a. back to the doo woop shop. but that's life, thing's are actually filling up on my schedule, which is cool cuz i don't like not having anything to do. maybe i'll get something to bitch about, cuz that's always nice.

AVOIDING A CURSE

yeah, so i have to make a new post, or a mummy of sorts will curse me. uhm, nothing goes on reall - just hanging out with peaches & cream, and jayo came over and we player tetris attack for like three hours. and i work slightly. and take my nephew to school. but nothing really ground breaking. although, there is this bet i have going with jesi that i'm gonna win cuz there's lyrics "you wanna be a balla, shot calla, brawla...." and i say it's from puff daddy (before the p.diddy era) 'all about the benjamins' and she says no, the only thing i have to add is...remember the bet about the works bottle caps? huh? cuz i won that one too. i know what i'm talking about...kind've...sometimes

but other

than that there's not really much, oh yeah - janell was at suncoast the other day w/ justin (are they dating? i dont' know) and saw how expensive the invader zim dvd was

OH! that reminds me, i got two killer dvd's, invader zim vol. 1 and teenage mutant ninja turtles season 1 (the 80's shit) and i've wasted hours watching them both...and being in complete childhood runny nose, drooling bliss - it's fucking JAWSOME that's how awesome it is.

THE RESPONSE I FORGOT TO MAKES

alright g, you want some stuff flowin' in the non-prose verses alright:

i settle in the sulfur
breathing to stay alive
i can't help but think of you
to keep me through
my arms are numb but i can still feel you
my ears are clogged, but i can hear you

walking the lonely streets of laredo
head hanging down to my feet
i watch the cracks as the glow beneath me
as i run into some white toed shoes
i look up to find a flow
up your legs, to your chest, to your chin
and your eyes
those beautiful blue eyes

i've lost my breath
lost my footing
it's like quicksand and wet concrete
pulling me in
but i fight
i fight for you
cuz it's what you'd do
so would it be a crime to say
that my heart belongs to you

there ya go gumby, i actually kind've like that one too - well all good things aspire from heart felt emotions, wouldn't you say?

SO IF MONKEYS HAVE SEX...THEN WHAT'S LEFT FOR ME

ah, guys i've been writing like a shit storms pushing my ideas out. got this killer idea for a zombie movie...like everything else basically but no killer running zombie - just a one struggle kind've thing. and i got some ideas on a vampire mythology - still trying to finish Cista Aeternus Anethema, the write the story i'm creating that for...good god it's all busy in my freaggin' head - YAR! and i've been thinking about vx...nick got on full time @ tower so i'm wondering if it's gonna permit the weekly practice, cuz they require over time sometimes...double yar...well it's not like we were doing anything anyway, but there's still hope

THE NEW NEWSIES OF NEWS

these black stars start to swirl while i sit under them
not alone, but still not with anyone near
the wind chills my spine, as it tries to slide up my back
and this starry night sits still as death
my eyes begin to dry, then water cold from the sliding oxygen
goose bumps raise on my arms, and i sit
arms crossed over my knees to bury my face it
protect it for what comes next
and the stars all fall down, they all fall down
the beautiful black night sky is now empty
like the hollowed out chest of a dead animal
and i sit in it, still trying to keep warm, trying to live

yeah, well enough of that bullshit, just thought i drop something else besides prose today kiddies. nothing real new happening in these neck of the woods - boring life, i work and pretty much do nothing, except talk to jesi. it's the mold these days, trying to get my ass in gear to go to college. yeah, that's what i said don't have a heart attack. it sucks - too much shit to pay just so they can tell me no. it's pretty stupid in all reality, but i've been over that just about a million times. so yeah, i'm writing again, and drawing/sketching which is good cuz i don't do anything. i've picked up my zombie script again, and started writing a little bit more on my Cista Aeternus Anathema novela - and the poetry just pours out, so that's not bad i guess. i'm still going through and updating my site - still got a few captions to add/change and then viola - i'll be done. anyway i'll leave you folks alone, cuz i'm pretty sure no one cares. ta ta

ALSO THE STRESS SEASON

man today i woke up and just had to find out a bunch of stuff about applying for college. and it sucks, cuz you gotta pay for every little thing, like the FSAFA, you fill it out because you're poor and need money for school, but hey - that costs money to fill out too. which is really gay. and then all the college applications cost at least $15 bucks, then you gotta go to your previous school and get a transcript which also costs money, not to mention the tuition which you'll be paying back your whole life working at a job that you didn't get because you had a master's degree in english. ya know, it's just all stupid in so many ways. if i wanted to spend a lot of money for something i KNOW i'd use, i'd get a PA system for VX while we might not "go anywhere" it'd still be hella useful for us. and granted i did semi-quit the band. i'm still in it now, and since i took the old pa system we had back, we haven't been able to really practice like we used to, especially since i don't have a good amp, that would be loud enough to contend with their's. everything's just getting on my nerves right now cuz i'm always broke, not neccessarily cuz i can't manage money it's just because i have to spend it on stupid shit that's too expensive like gas.

THE SICK SEASON

it seems like everything's takin' it's shot at me. i seem to just get over a cold, then my tonsils get shitty. now my ear's stopped up, and my stomach's feeling all quiggly. i don't know what's going on. maybe i'm diseased! hell i don't know, maybe i'm just swallowing too much puss from my tonsils, it's just gross.



in other languages, i've wasted a lot of time today just taping concerts and stuff i had on my camcorder. and i don't know why i taped EVERYTHING, i could understand the drum ensemble and maybe one or two other things, but i taped pretty much everything, which is really gay.

I'M TIRED OF YOU LOLLYGAGGERS!

just basically what the subject says you bastardo. changing the plans to ruin others (not you peach) just a majority making it shitty for the minority. but then again sometimes it's a member of the minority that makes it shitty for the majority. and so on. bastard - everyone should be their own group, so they don't get a bad rep from everyone else. i had my plans, damn good plans too. then all you fucking monkey christians gotta change it around so you can go to a concert that isn't even happening anymore! bastardos! to quote the great poet frog (Kermit) "It ain't easy being green."

THOSE FUCKING SPECTATORS

you know it's true that people don't change, but it's only true because the people that wanna change are often set into this little character sceme, they're make to fit into a profile, once they're in, if they want to expand...it's impossible. not because they themselves aren't committed exactly, it's because there's always some pig fucker pointing their greasy finger in your eye, telling you exactly what you have to be. whether you're the sponge...the leader...the runt. you'll be whatever you're told...that's why people are asshole, cuz they're made into assholes (granted they do have a say) but it's just easier to go with the flow.

now someone might actually be trying to change, but with all the threats and name callings, it might scare the person off track. could he really be to blame then, or could all the people eating the cheesy puffs giving their free advice be at blame here...?

i have to change, it's up to me, i know that now - i am asking for help, but not from the world, just from my peach - the only strength i need to go on through with it, is in her eyes, in her mind, in her. period. and i'm tired of all the nay sayers, and the bastards that think they know exactly what they're talking about - they fucking don't - so don't even try to put your two cents in.

i know i've made my share of big fucking mistakes...that's life - that's my life, and i'm the one who has to deal with it. i can't regret everything, but there are things i can try to make up for, and i will try. i'm not completely heartless as i've fooled most of you into believing. and i don't care what you all think now, i've spent my whole life fitting into your character profiles, your plots - now i'm growing up, now i'm becoming more me than the ideas of fuckers around me. so just so you know, before you point your finger you should know that i'm the fucking man, and if i'm the man and he's the man and you're the man as well then you can point that fucking finger up your ass.

THESE EXILED YEARS

you spent your life, waiting and wondering. you spent every second overlooking the fine details. i've always been one to look too hard, for love, for life - any and everywhere. and i just don't know how to begin to apologize for these things i've always over looked. it sucks to be me, it usually always has, there would be something to look forward to every now and again, but nothing big to say - wow what a great life. but i know now i don't want the GREAT life, i just want a life. i'm just tired of trying to be something like a legend, i just want to be - something with her. something i never gave myself the chance to be, cuz i was always on the look for the big perfect, but there's nothing that is perfection, only opinion's for that.

DROWNING IN SNOT

yes, what's better than cooking pancakes for breakfast, that's right - drinking the snot down all day long. it's really starting to just make me sick, and a half. i can feel myself die a little on the inside each time i swallow. it's really quite a battle getting up and going to sleep, especially when you can't sleep cuz you're drowning. yeah, so that's freaggin' awesome...oh yeah - visit www.angryblue.com for some awesome art and shit.

NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT'S CONFUSED AND COLD

sometimes i just really don't know what the hell is going on, and i really just wanna throw up, then at other times i'm so in bliss i guess you could say - and all that jazz. but i am really confused wondering if i'll ever be able to be the person i have to be, or if i'll just fail and get swept aside or become hurt, and sweep myself aside to the ditches of life, lifeless and abandoned. but oh, woe is me - that's bullshit cuz you get what you take and take what you give...so it's only fitting but fucking scary nonetheless. well, i believe now i will go poops a lot, and sick up in the crapper of my mind.

KILL MY FRIENDS

what is this poetry i here, just the hum of a machine, waiting to grow it's own life and take us over. maybe we're just delaying something inevitable by waiting. spare me you indecent comments and trying to free your conscience. i know exactly what's making to gears in your head turn like they do. like they always do. i'll jerk you eyes right out of your skull, and kick for good measure. point, point all your like with your words but never will they bruise. never will they bruise, not matter how much spit is behind them, no matter how much crap you fling with it.

THAT EVIL SUBSONIC SOUND

i can hear you hum the melodies of some childhood lullaby, and rock softly to and fro. but you trying to be someone you're not, you're trying to reinvent yourself through the past. cuz you're too fucking afraid to grow...look in the fucking mirror mr. palmer - you are just trying to smother the evolution within you. you're too fucking afraid to do anything but relive your mistake and analyze your failure - cuz fucking up isn't as bad as failing...cuz giving up prevents any kind of rejection...just open your eyes kid - open your fucking eyes. you kill everyone else's light just so yours will shine the brightest...cuz you're obsessed with an image that's dying out. one day you'll realize it...your regression, but by then you'll be forty working at a fast food restaraunt wondering what the hell happened the past twenty years. and your manager, yeah, your manager will be a fucking teenager screaming at you to scrub the floors better next time, cuz you're too burnt out to notice that there's still grime between the tiles. open your eyes for once, and notice the blue sky fading out and wrinkle making way on your skin...you may just be 18 now...but you won't when you die.

WEEKEND

yeah, i kind've just got back from philly - actually it was thirty minutes outside of philadelphia but instead of saying King of Prussia and have everyone go, what? i just say philly - it was a video game convention, and it was hella awesome, with all the displays for new video games, and all the old arcades, and to play 'em it was fucking free....so there was a lot of wasted time while doing that. and before we got up to king of prussia, we made a stop at monroeville mall, in case you have no idea what's there - it was where George A. Romero's Dawn of The Dawn (not the new one) was filmed...and i was there, in zombie history - zombie heaven as i would put it, i got some picture too - it was fucking awesome, now all that's left is go to the cemetery where the first one was filmed, and the mines where the third was filmed...and be a part of the new one - then i could die a completely happy person. well.....almost. but spending this time out on the road, just made me realize one thing - that i need to travel more...live from hotel to motel and whatever's in between. it really sucked having to come home...which is odd for me cuz i'm usually the one that's getting home sick. but not this time...i could've stayed up there forever - even though gas was so fucking expensive - jesus christ.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

seriously i'm in a such a fucking crappy ass mood - i just want to not exist or not let this feeling exist. woe is me and why wouldn't it be after all i do deserve this retribution of karma. the swift axe to fall on me. but out of left field i feel like shit. i want things i cannot obtain and never will...and i just want things to be old again, but it'll just cycle like it always has. i just need someone to treat me like the shit i am. maybe i will heal, hopefully i will not so i can carry this scar and watch it grow, so i can beat down what pride i had and never let it live again...i just wish i could be happy, happy in life and in love find that something i've been missing and not be stupid enough to pass it off as a fickle imagination. i'm such an idiot.

THE FIRST MOMENT OF CLARITY

I realize now, that maybe I am the problem - I set up the questions so that when you need answers, I have them. Maybe I'm just unconsciously putting myself and people I cared about once, but no more through a world of shit. And after the questions start inventing themselves, I don't know the answer and everything just crumbles in my palms...maybe that's the way it is. I am just the sadomasochist, and that would explain why you don't email me back, why you don't ever talk to me...maybe that explains a lot more. Instead of just ignoring the problems that be, look at them and notice that the only thing they all share is my name, the name I now have lost among the blades of blood stained grass. Maybe a medication for my brain wouldn't be out of the question, sure it might rob me off who I am, but who I am isn't great - nothing special...maybe who I am is just another body for the pile of assholes that sooner or later are disposed of and left to burn in nameless unmarked graves. I just want my grave to be shallow, so I can feel the rain....

my name it is sam hall, and i hate you one and all

Damn your eyes, this blackening is turning out to be more than I expected at a time like this. My hands, my hands are shaking and I don't know why I tremble. Some sadist is taking over the skies now and bruising them, making it black and a darker blue than I'm used to. Rose buds and everything just turning blue. I don't know what I can do with my life anymore. It's just a sad circle making the same mistakes going through the same misfortune as before, that's all I am, the same sad person I ever was...but hell, no one knows - no one even cares. Damn your eyes. All my idols are dead, and so is this world anymore. And everything in it, just pretending to be alive, dancing and swaying to and fro like little puppets on strings - we aren't alive, we're just pretending like the strings puppets, or if you prefer a hand can be up your ass at most times. I restarin these thoughts evermore, and desire that nothing else come from my wicked mouth, the boredom does grow, and I apologize for wasting space, and oxygen. God I'm rambling again, if I'm not doing something else, I'm freaggin' rambling. Just shoot the lame horse.

NOBODY KNOWS MY NAME

It always seems when you're looking for someone, they can never be found. And I'm looking just looking before the boredom sets in and thoughts permeate through my vexed mind. The shades of purple turning blue, and all lifelessness flooding through the gates of my temples, thus the hues change and warp, now I don't know which color I see. I just want someone to tell me, but no one's here - no one cares, but I don't care, so we can't care. The humming of a drone is now the only thing keeping me company at late nights. God why am I so depressed - I just leave everything at the door when I get here - all the facade all the stupid little faces I dance in so the people won't care, now I'm bitching because they don't care...this is life, this is all there is...

THE BURNING SKIES OF MARCH

Yesterday I was out, just for a drive...and I forgot to breathe, and faded in and out a little bit. It was because of the sky - one side looked all reddish purple, like the world was on fire...and instead of being afraid or worried that it actually was, I didn't care - I wanted it to burn. I was just lost in the colors, the colors that demanded my full attention, so I almost wrecked. Then when a clearing came on the opposite side, there was the most beautiful sunset I'd ever seen...the way the clouds were set up, it looked like a slow motion explosion, and gave reason to the clouds opposite of it. Then the dusk gave way to night, the clouds still full and awesome, and there was so many different shades of black, and an illuminescent tint of grey spanning, quite a beautiful night sky as well. The moon just that pale white you always see in werewolf movies...the clouds also raced across pretty much in the same manner. But I was stunned by the beauty of yesterday and just wanted to notice it for a while to come.