well well

just found out about two movies set for spring release and they're both sequels.
one is a remake, and sequel of a remake, that many people didn't even know there was an original sequel in the first place...the hill have eyes 2, let's hope this is bloodier and gorier, if possible
and secondly, 28 weeks later, and if danny boyle isn't directing this shit, the i think there's probably no fucking hope, but i pretty much figured all of the infected died of starvation. i dunno, guess we'll find out.

*just looked and found out that neither of the sequels are directed by the person that did the first, and i believe A.) that's why the hills have eyes remake was actually good B.) fucking hate they would make a sequel to a danny boyle movie without him fucking directing it

you know who this is for...god damn

See, here's my current dilemma with what's in my head. honestly, i really like and have come to enjoy your company immensely, but i don't know if i'll ever be able to 100% hands down trust you. while you're confused about my current standing on my feelings toward you, with what, one minute being cuddling and inviting, and the next a distant melancholy emo kid sort. i am just as confused with your interactions with other guys, whether your really joking or not. i agree that joking's fine and all, and i feel like i'm being too jealous a person in saying this, but sometimes (actually, quite a bit of times) i feel that edge between the two start to blur, where even the person you're joking with gets baffled and thinks you're flirting, that's a big part of why i get so distant, bad situations to reflect on, and all starting with more subtle behavior than that. and the more i think on it, it's the persistence in which makes it a little more uncomfortable and hard to deal with. like for example, take the way i behave around my room mates and guy friends, you do the same things, except you're not a dude, so those things are read differently and sometimes cross line to sensitive comfort zones. but when there's a more platonic and less personally invasive, physical joking, it's really not as bad. but then again i have had bad experience on reading into things and got burned b/c i thought jokes were harmless when they weren't. i'm not asking you to change, i'm just trying to open my insides a bit more, hopefully letting you understand some things about me a little more while letting my guard down. giving you a chance because i know you deserve it.

ffftang!

yeah, so the bitterness has subsided somewhat, and the discontent...well, it's had nowhere to go b/c people like to back it into a corner, with ridicule. don't worry, naysayers, it's a backlash of a bitch....or bitch of a backlash, that's right.
we're almost like wolves, aren't we, just me and you. since it's so cold outside, we really have no choice but to use the blankets as shields, entwined as we get just getting warmer, but still so relentlessly comfortable...well, until my arm falls asleep.
...oh yeah, i got engaged, kind've, i mean i threw a fire package from taco bell at her forehead, and on it was preprinted "will you marry me?" i mean she said no, but that doesn't make her any less amazing or cuddly or jawsome. but then again, she could've just been saying no to the hot sauce packet. too bad either way. guess she's just gonna have to find another suga daddy b/c i don't ask twice, ha ha. how do you like that.
someone come rub my back, it hurts.

let me do this in peace

i keep getting more and more bitter, just b/c of one thing. does that make me a little weird? i dunno, october isn't as awesome as it should've been. i'm tired of richmond and the people, and the summer of discontent has become the fall, and prolly the winter to follow with very little improvement. maybe something'll happen soon, and i'll be able to smile more.

rants galore.

so, what do you wanna know? really? well, too bad, i'll just refuse to fold, and instead show you my hand like i've done seldom before.
the weekend didn't quite turned out as i planned, with probably only myself to blame and those being a few miscommunications. maybe i just take too much for granted, or i'm just dumb. either way, it was a little more of a disappointment than i had hoped. however, i did lick my wounds with wasting money, like i always tend to do, and it was nice to be nostalgic in an old familiar place, and out of richmond, which now holds way more unpleasantries than any single city/town i've ever known.
the whole of what i think about now is so pointless. it's like day dreaming about sunny days when it's rainy outside, and i really like the rain. does that make sense? well, if it does i think you're closer to my insides than you know, or would want to be. it's just so...god damn stupid of me, like always, is it that i'm trying too hard without such confidence as could carry me through this, i don't know. i'm just being myself and not trying anything else, and if that doesn't work for either, than there's nothing i can do, but i'm not putting out a lie from the get-go and i'm holding a lot back but only b/c i'm a wreck. if i were to open that flood gate, everyone would drown, and we don't want a massacre like that.
and i've never understood one thing. why when it's always hurt so bad to let people in, can't i just resist another one, why does it have to be so painful for things to be interesting? i'm good at arms length as time goes on, but it's an open hug from the start, like i put the blinders on at first, but they start to irritate me, so i take them off. why can't i just simply not care? why can't i be a solid block of ice, completely and utterly hopeless, stone, something that isn't soft and squishy on the inside, begging to be poked and alienated. and the sad thing is, i alienate myself, b/c when i think i'm the same as someone else, then i'm just...wearing a uniform. i can't relate to people completely and find someone like me, b/c i won't let them be, ever.
and why am i writing all this in a blog for everyone to see? i guess i'm just hoping someone'll have some answers, and maybe other i won't have to explain why things are so difficult for me. plus it's just easier to type on the computer and take seemingly almost empty comfort from people i do/used to know all too well.

quite angry.

i'd really like to punch you in the face.
...love is watching someone else die, but that's irrelevant. i still wanna massacre you with a mother fucking clenched fist, fucker.

Jackie Gregory.

SoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : now your mom
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : she's american
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : BAH!
Danse Macabre17 --> --> : NO SHES...oh yeah she is
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : Jackie Gregory (or whatever her last name is) - American Heroine
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : ha ha
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : what now
Danse Macabre17 --> --> : lol
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : then when they make a compilation of all the people that she saved
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : i could be on there and make the whole pushing a car up a hill story so much more dramatic
Danse Macabre17 --> --> : hahahaha
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : it'll be awesome
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : totally
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : then we can rip off the g.i. joe theme song
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : ja-ckie, the real american hero
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : ja-ckie is there
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : fighting cobra
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : and however else it goes
Danse Macabre17 --> --> : my mom once killed a puma, and wrapped baby me in it for warmthSoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : jackie gregory once slayed a dragon just to feed her unborn children, with only a wooden stick of solitude (with plus 4 agility)
Danse Macabre17 --> --> : lolDanse Macabre17 --> --> : it was a close fightDanse Macabre17 --> --> : but thenDanse Macabre17 --> --> : She landed a vicious Critical Hit, which launched her into a flurry attack, which in turn WindFury Proc'edSoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : and then, gave birth to three carniverous pandas
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : which ravaged the body of a but severly wounded red dragon (epic level still unknown)
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : the only known human to solo such a fierce and vicious creature
Danse Macabre17 --> --> : hahahahhahahaSoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : oh course, this is before she tamed to one and only billy connolly
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : beating him in an arm wrestling match
Danse Macabre17 --> --> : hahahahah then made him her slave in her kingdom of miraclesSoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : after his sentence was served, he moved far away to the other uncharted regions
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : which jackie gregory had yet to conquer
Danse Macabre17 --> --> : man
Danse Macabre17 --> --> : how do you know the history of my momSoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : i'm psychic
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : that's why i always get headaches at your house
Danse Macabre17 --> --> : lol
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : it's like an epic fantasy novel
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : oh, but when your grandma is there
Danse Macabre17 --> --> : hahahaha
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : it's like a godsend of static to block your mom's vast mind
Danse Macabre17 --> --> : kik
Danse Macabre17 --> --> : lol
Danse Macabre17 --> --> : we need to write the ballad of jackie gregorySoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : oh, you better believe i'm saving this im
Danse Macabre17 --> --> : hahahhaa
SoMNaMBuLiST KiN --> --> : yep, thinking i'm gonna go get something to eat
Danse Macabre17 --> --> : sweet ass

mayday mayday s.o.s.

...i have a sinking feeling inside, b/c i finished the half-blood prince, and now i'm sad and i can't kill myself b/c i wanna read the 7th book. woe is me. guess i'll just have to resume life and if i never started.

two halves make the whole

and it seems the longer i live, the more i understand about what kind of person i am. and most everthing's the same, except something and they're both different. right now, they're at a gruesome stalemate, who's gonna be comin' out alive and unscathed.

sad and satisfying

...and i don't know what to do about it.

ride or die...word

i'm in the middle of sea, and there's nothing else here.
i keep having mirages, apparitions of something worth swimming toward.
but the fucking water birds circle me like i'm dying.
i'm not dying am i? i mean, i'm jus' sorta stranded, right?
fuck. it makes sense in my head. hopelessness, like always.
so now my fingers are still numb, strumming the keyboards, pushing the aerosol button. i don't know where i'm goin' and i don't know where i want to be, i thought i knew what i wanted, but i'm not sure of that either. it all seemed good at first, but the doubt keeps growing like a cancer inside me. i keep smoking and it's not doing anything this time. i feel...utterly pointless. alone in the vast sea, just the scavengers waiting to pick me apart.
three years ago i was so confused.
two i was a little more sure.
one, i was pretty well on my way there.
but this year, it's all gotten fucked up, i've changed, calloused and a bit bitter. i don't like pulling my eyes of the cracks and the ground, and when i do it seems like it's just in time to see someone stabbing something into me. everything that i used to hold high, it's all trivial and stupid. i dunno, i feel stupid for wanting a weakness more than anything right now. but i can't find it anywhere i look. maybe i'm going blind.

a very unfriendly updated from yours truly

fuck you.
that being said, four hours was worth the drive to see the protomen, and my god were the kings among men. lavish and proud and standing three feet above everyone else. demanding nothing but revere. simply brilliant, and amazazing.
moving onward, i'm getting healthier again, still feel like crap, and now i've just realized, most of my october's about done and spent mostly working. i need a better life than this, but wait, isn't that just what people do, work to provide until they die? yeah, but i'm just surviving and this isn't fun anymore. oh well.
oh, and the fuck you was just a random thing, nothing personal. promise.

t-minus some time

it's drawing nearer and nearerer, the protomen. woot. i still feel like crap but i don't care, b/c i'm about to get my socks rocked off.

i hate being sick, so guess what? i'm sick.
i don't like waiting, but guess what? i have to wait.
i don't like the person i was, so guess what? i have to deal with the reputation that person had, and deal with it.
everything's building up to an anticlimactic point...i should just go back to sleep. wake me up when this is all over.

it's a self reflection thing, so it's gonna be long, be warned - not for the wary

so, yeah, i'm sick, and i've been keeping to myself all day long. jus' thinking about stuff, myself personally and a lot things.
so i've noticed, i've got a track record, and well, as long as the list may be that doesn't exactly make for blushing standards. somewhere along the line of not having enough experience and just having fun, i've ended up where i am and apparently more of a bastard for it.
now, i know that i've developed this big reputation of being this insensitive asshole who thinks peoples' feelings are shit. and that's simply not true. while i have said some nasty things, and acted in pretty hateful ways, albeit justified or not, i only did so b/c at the time i thought it was right, for the other person. but since then, i've come to note that it wasn't, i just should've been honest instead of breaking out into some derranged game where i feel better b/c the other person hates me, and therefore that makes it easier for them to heal. bullocks is what that is.
so i'd continue along this slippery slope until one day, the guns got turned on me. then, i found out how much easier it was to dish than to take. and to be honest, i'd rather not do any of the both. but me being me, came into another situation, whereas i could see promise, possibly, and methinks happiness could be there, and again, thwarted. no one to blame really, it wasn't in details and picky parts, it was just a new thing that ended before it began. wish i could say the word hurt wasn't a part of it for me, but then again i would be lying to say that.
now, present day i'm sitting with a stuffy nose thinking about all this, and i do feel like a whorish bastard for it, but even moreso i feel like an idiot b/c i set up a foundation and drug my own name down through the brush and collected a lot of snags and gashes i never wanted. i mean, it's all the part of life some of us have to deal with, but i'm just tired of meeting all these new people. i just want something that makes me nervous again, makes me feel like i'm not stupid for thinking the way i used to. whatever's next, i want it to be real. i'm not that stupid kid anymore that just wants more experience, experience is fruitless and often times unfulfilling. the things i wish i knew longer ago.
and now i get to sit here, sick and bored, possibly blowing everything before there was anything jus' b/c i was a careless prick. would it do any good at this point to really say, honestly i just want to care about someone and have them care about me, like a no holds barred wrestling match, anything goes. i'm tired of breaking and being broken, i just want to be happy. guess i'll just have to wait it out, like everything else.

well, haven't posted one of these in a while

and lemme guess, you totally didn't expect it, muhahahaha. anyway, sorry for those of you that read this, i jus' decided to post it b/c i haven't written any poetry in a while, so here you are: (and don't ask me what it's about)
"It's Almost Halloween"
It's one foot in front of the other
on a cold night toward the end of September
I'm trying not to get carried away, talking about myself
but what else can I do, waiting to watch you move
so what if I'm not cold, I'd just be wasting away
in the echoes of my room, if you didn't save me
I'm afraid that it's not clear, exactly what I'm trying to say
I just want you to stay around b/c the way you make me feel
it feels real, this time, like insects inside of me
so what do I do, when my mouth keeps running
but I just wanna hear you talk, let's go walk
maybe this slide here, with the static cling
will keep the wind out of your face, long enough
to see your eyes, to see your eyes
I know I didn't think things to get any better
so tell me about your idealistic expectations
and I'll get so nervous, just listening to you talk
but you say, I guess it's time, to call it a night
and say goodbye, and say good night

"Close Yours and Count to 10"
we were all sitting in rows, facing forward
a stillness in the air as the man shifted his hair
that plastic face, more peaceful than waves
so inhuman that there's a lack of gumption
and I wake up, and I just lay here
nobody else with me, no one's here
to tell me it was just a dream
and everything will be okay, darling
but that's it, that's everyday
staring at a peaceful plastic face
waiting for something to break again
and reference the frame of mind
that was something more like a prison
our heads kneeled, silently sobbing, quietly praying
a sweet release disguised in sorrow and hushed whispers
we're all just waiting to wake up
hoping someone's there to comb our hair
and tell us it'll all be okay