so what now?

toes dangling over the edge, it's a threat to fall into. i wanna say abyss, but that's too small and too big. size is definitely something i wanna get right. i can see it from far off, my patience is weary, always has been. but the excitement is well enough to take its place. i still smile a lot, considering. and i still think a lot, not so much of the old things anymore, though. just new things. stuff that keeps my attention better. worn and tired, but somehow refreshed and thankful. 

it's timid time, guess you didn't know.

ever get the feeling that you hype up something so much b/c you have nothing else to really look forward to? me too.
i honestly feel like 90% of my life is wasted waiting on something. and it's more habit now than anything else, i've been doing it since birth it seems. waiting til school the next day, waiting til i grew up, waiting til certain movies come out, waiting for people to call or come around, waiting for a sense of direction to smack me in the face like a drunk stepdad.
waiting sucks. time sucks. and most of all, crazy townies suck. b/c they won't let me sleep in without blaring their hip-hop or put a leash on their kids. gah. nvm. i'll just go back to bed until i have to work.

fireflies. actually not.

sometimes, they say, it's supposed to conquer all, but i think it's based on the players involved. b/c when there's supposed to be something, completely unrelenting, so furious it takes charge - there should be nothing that could rise up and defeat it. this may be true, but i've learned that the more furious and bright something burns or becomes, usually the faster it is to go out and fade.
now some would consider that a merely pessimistic statement. it isn't. just a simply realistic statement. think back on your own life and imagine something you shared with one person so fiercely...what's happened to it now? is it just another thing you take for granted, like being able to talk and breathe? it's not so captivating as once it was. although, i'm not perfect and you could be saying to yourself, "this guy's a dipshit." if this is the case, i apologize for wasting your time, and on my other i admire and adore what you've been able to do, and harness that which become a cornerstone in your relationship and exchanges between you and another person.
i however, am not so lucky, nor are a lot of people that i know. but i'll tell you want i do know. the next time i fire that fiery blemish, i won't just sit it in an airtight jar and stare like some feeble child at a television. i'll do what i've naught and let it go to do whatever the hell it wants. and if it needs something from me i'll give. but i'm tired of watching things die.

i'm only doing this to get away from the memories...

...can't you see that?

adventures in my concrete back yard.

and it doesn't involve people getting hurt, or boobs.
today as i was leaving for work, i walk outside my apartment, and lock the deadbolt. from my periphreal i can see one of the neighbor's kids just setting a cup down on the cement. as i walk to my car, a tinge tickles my mind, and i look back. this kid is peeing into the cup! i know, i know - you're thinking right about now that i'm about as perverted and pedophilic as mattytron, but nay - you must hear the rest of my story. i avert my eyes to avoid seeing the little dude's wee-wee and when i look back, he's got the cup in his hands. by this point i'm thinking, 'if that little bastard thinks he's washing my car, i'm gonna punt his ass across the street' but don't fret, your humble narrator/adventurer did not have to battle a vicious 7 year old, instead he discovered something amazing. apparently the cup that held golden smite wasn't a cup at all, but a water tank for a squirt gun. and oh boy, when this revelation dawned upon me, my defense was up higher than that fat masculine friend you ladies like to take to bars with you, in case you get too drunk, then they can fend of hordes of horny drunken bozo's. next the kid, stared me down, and pumped the urine rifle. my skin rose and hair prickled. my car window was down, so my best offense would be to hit him like a street cat that ran into the road to commit suicide. instead of taking aim at me, and delivering a high-powered golden shower, he ran inside. now my guess is, the little dude was really upset with someone, or is developing some pretty awesome fetishes at a young age, either way. crisis averted, and this narrator has lived with his pride and dignity for yet another day.

my kneeds

the rule is to go to google and type in "(insert your name) needs" and see what pops up, then put the first one, but me, i'm an over-annoying-achiever, so i'm gonna put the first 6 million:
-Tristan needs your help 03:04 PM - Tuesday, April 19, 2005
-Tristan needs a drink
-As a young middle class family with Tristan's needs necessitating my staying at home, this came as welcome news

..> ..> -Some of the supplements that were specific to Tristan's needs were cod liver oil, colostrum, B vitamins, zinc, vitamin C, taurine, magnesium, calcium, ...
-My monkey Tristan needs a gf!
-Of course I should never have suggested coffee because it's hardly like Tristan needs caffeine!
-Tristan needs more heartbreak from Macon Telegraph, The in News & Society provided by LookSmart Find Articles.
-The mother has recently got involved in prayer groups for Tristan, and we all believe in miracles and that's what Tristan needs.
-Nicolas then professes his love as Tristan's heart soars, for he, Tristan needs the discipline to complete himself.
-Tristan's Quest needs YOUR help!!!
-Tristan needs to be independent and have an area to play outside. I don't want to have to hold him in the pool everytime we go outside.
then i found this gold mine:
Dying without legitimate issue, the late Earl of Rochester sent his butler extraordinaire, Reeves, to find his wild, illegitimate children and "civilize" them. Reeves must seek out the first of the earl's arrogant sons, Captain Tristan Llevanth, a one-time pirate, and teach him to be a gentleman.
A will of steel...
Tristan Llevanth gave up his free-wheeling life as a pirate to fight at Admiral Nelson's side. Wounded, Tristan will never again sail the seas he loves. Life has no more challenges. Or so he thinks, until Reeves brings a certain outspoken lady into the captain's uncultured household...
An iron-clad spirit...
Reeves believes Tristan needs a spark to relight the fires of his soul. And who better than lovely Prudence Thistlewaite, the bane of the captain's existence? Prudence wants nothing to do with her wickedly handsome, ill-tempered neighbor. Still, she cannot refuse the outlandish sum Reeves offers to smooth Tristan's rough edges.
Can Prudence tame the rakish captain? Or will Tristan gain what he most wishes, to become... a pokemon master.
alright, alright, i added that last part. and i'm done now.

but she thinks he's the passionate one, oh yeah - it was lighting, they all start fighting

i guess it's just the time of year, but summer holds no sort of hope for me. it's when everything horrible's happened in my life so far. deaths, suicides, broken hearts, car accidents, failures and short comings. and this summer promises not to disappoint.
when life shits, it shits hard, especially on me. right now, the only positives are i have my own place and a job, and my car's running for the time being.
summer started out fine, a few stressful things, like liars and haters. but then my car broke down, my bank account is all fucked, my best friend breaks his leg  (who is also my roommate), i sit in the apartment alone all the time, i need a new car b/c after my car was fixed it's still not very reliable. and the one person who i expected to stay close and hold my hand's gone, maybe for good, maybe for not good - but that just makes things worse. not to mention all the extra icing that puts on my fine cake of hell - plus knowing things i should never know about said situation.
is it just me, or is sitting in a cacoon, man-made hole, bed, anything, seem like a better option. going to sleep for a really long time? yes please.
so now, i'm trying to deal with being alone at nights, and balance my karma/atone for my mistakes, and hopefully something will go my way for a bit, so i can not go fucking insane. or maybe i'll just develop bad habits, and just smoke and drink until i can feel anything.
don't get my wrong, this isn't impossible - i just have a thing called pride that makes it harder. and a thing called hope which will end up being the death of me.
so in summation: come be my friend this summer, and hang out with greg b/c he has a broken leg. make him some waffles.

snake attack as a matter of fact.

beggers become choosers when they know some chooser will beg for them.
i'm sick to my stomach with loneliness, come be my friend.

bored/lonely/homely

guess what:
i'm alone
i have a new apartment
and i've got no car
but maybe it'll be fixed soon
maybe not
maybe i'll be happy soon
maybe not