a bloggernaut never dies slowly. its always fast and hard with his pants down.

but this isn't always true to form.
i will say this. new people aren't always bad as much as i pretend and build up in my head that they are. and broadening a network has its pros and cons.
but by god, wearing a mask in the middle of strangers has something profoundly liberating about it. you can pretend to be anyone you can concieve. the real kicker is when you're still just yourself.
and what exactly does that say about me?
i know what it is.

jonesin’

i get sick to my stomach sometimes.
but i can still tell i'm getting better.
no telling how long before its completely gone. it always goes away.

every word i say has letters in it.

so, its difficult, b/c the reason you gave was a reason i've heard before, and its uncomfortable b/c i see the same things happening in my mind.
(not that that's what is really happening.)
but then again, a good defense is, its none of my business
 i'm already getting as much pain as i could from it, so just go on and do what you want, i don't care. i mean, i do, i just wanna get past this sense of jealousy.
just this final step i'm we've both gone away.

i've had days where i don't think about it. but every now and then, i have a bad day where its all i can think about.
sad, i know. you'd think i'd be able to forget something so short and quick.
but i'm the dumb one. always will be.

listen...

...you're fucking up. deal with it.

and to the matter of factly stated: i owe you one, Captain Obvious.
here's to a better weekend and a better month than i've had in a little while.

drunk blab.

caring about people is bullshit. i should look out for 1, i'd at least not get hurt. or disappointed.
i'm no legend. i'm no honest Abe. i suck. and that's the truth.

Sober note (the day after): This was the after thought of hanging out with Shredmetal and Zach most of the day. We had a long in depth conversation on relationships and the people that don't need them. They're good peoples.

the most important blog you’ll read all fall/winter

They both need a good home. Come get one, or both. They're uber sweet and awesome, they just need love and attention.

another sleepless night of zombie eyes.

it's amazing how the simplest things can lose all their value and joy in the wink of an eye.
i wanna sleep, but i can't sleep so i'm leaving trails of interweb banter to bring something to me. but bread crumbs only ever brought bugs.
i'm not having fun. just having bad luck, with good peoples.

a couple of questions.

why can't i hold onto anything?
why does it all just run away?
what am i doing wrong?
those would be nice to get the session going. now if someone could answer those, and give me something to work with. that'd be awesome.

stroke

I
pd
fr
dh
lt
nt,
ad
it
dt
hn.

Hw
dg.

new developments in the life and times.

well, i went to bardstown this weekend. it sucked.
broke down on the BG past midnight, it was cold. i was alone. but the car's fixed and hopefully in better condition.
found out a few things that i needed to know. understanding is a big part of the battle.
my parents took Lola to find her a good home, since i'm too busy (and irresponsible) to take care of her like she deserves. doubt i'll see her again, which bums me out more than anything, but serves me right for getting attached to anything.
now i'm back, thank god, and alive, surprise, just waiting for chips to fall in place and things to look up more than they have in the past week. then again, who'm i to care?

a peak in contrast.

eat.work.sleep.repeat.
and all i want, is to hear the hum of a loud muffler pass by my apartment.
something to get my mind going. i've felt less and less of myself each day.
and more and more the seasons are getting to me.

murder. mystery. mayhem.

it's cold outside today. makes me happy. finally, soon (hopefully) i'll be able to wear a scarf and sweaters.
and hopefully i'll get something done, instead of being a lazy cunt. i haven't wrote anything useful in days. its all been bullshit.
surprise.
i'll go to sleep again. maybe tomorrow will have something worth waking up to.

weakly sound off the dimensions

how foolish can one person be? i ask myself the open ended question, knowing full well the answer: there are pontentially no bounds. i find myself contradicting what i said before, letting down the barriers i shove up. all i can think is, is it really real or am i just building thingsin my imagination again?
it was dawn when i woke, and i saw her face. it may be weird to say that, but how do you think i feel seeing that. i'd be damned for a third strike, didn't think i'd survive after the first. the second left me not much of the man i'd hoped to be. now i'm here, scavenging, scraping by on less than bread crumbs, but i'm not hungry - at least not for food. i have my fill of the ache, but my body doesn't always obey me. its a wicked vertigo and the slums of fleeting youth. the body's young, so is the mind for that matter, but this soul is older than fossils.
she led me to believe. these walls, this fortress all came tumbling down on her words. trust, lust and all those things between. i'm not betrayed, however, just naive. and here i thought i knew it all. i know nothing that benefits me. either way, the complaining never gets me anywhere. bleeding? no. i've stopped that for now, lonely in this vast, empty place. stirring noises, but all traced back to wind and bushes; no real monsters besides the one i'd like to believe i am. no degree of self separation just yet, but i'll wait for it.
electronic love notes twist the text of my head, and this migraine just gets worse - i should give it a name. it would only be that name, and off my lips, maybe the word should die in thought before i give it life enough to kill me. they one-eyed god knows i've done enough to kill myself. broken down these bastard walls, and maybe my valkyrie would come rescue me. i'm hopeless. giving never gets, but it never pays for me to be selfish. commend the damned fool.
was i foolish enough to play the part? what was i doing, just trying to make amends in my brain? it's doubtful. the drunken stagger brings me flailing stances and ideas i can stomach. i'm not so uptight now, i can deal. and its never my fault, but i'm always the one who suffers. this has become an inferno of regret. a climactic mountain of shameful thoughts. i made it to the peak, and hit every pebble on the way down.
salt in the back of my mouth. is it blood, or is it booze? both are cleaner ways to wash it all away. leaving no margin for thought or after thought. "be there for me," is all i can whimper. a sickly child in need of a cure. the parent standing by, praying for the terminal illness to crawl slower, thinking only of themselves, and their pain. which was i? does it matter? we can all say and defend our answers, but the lies are what works best.
serene serenity, peaceful tranquility, all bets are off now. the winter wolves are here. you'd be amazed, my darling, at the hunger in their eyes. they are majestic and beautiful and hints of you seem to be caught down wind. blissful. like a retarded kid in a candy shop, this is the universe to me. all the greatest mysteries could unfold, and i wouldn't give a pile of dog shit. i'd just clap my hands and drool in awe of the pretty pretty colors.
i'm a child once more, self medicating and self sufficient. vomitting never felt better as i consume without care. sheer unbridled passionate hatred, for myself. its a novel so trashy, its slapped with stickers. warning tape, red water, news reporters with hushed eyes. the curtain falls with no curtain calls and i crawl back to our mother. this is a daring reprieve.
iiswtwstcamamaicat?

in a general stance

fuckthisfeeling.
itsdumb,i'mdumb,i'mdonebeingdumb.
ijustwannabenormalforonce, andnothaveanythinggettomeorhurtorblah.
fuckingshit.