sad and satisfying

...and i don't know what to do about it.

ride or die...word

i'm in the middle of sea, and there's nothing else here.
i keep having mirages, apparitions of something worth swimming toward.
but the fucking water birds circle me like i'm dying.
i'm not dying am i? i mean, i'm jus' sorta stranded, right?
fuck. it makes sense in my head. hopelessness, like always.
so now my fingers are still numb, strumming the keyboards, pushing the aerosol button. i don't know where i'm goin' and i don't know where i want to be, i thought i knew what i wanted, but i'm not sure of that either. it all seemed good at first, but the doubt keeps growing like a cancer inside me. i keep smoking and it's not doing anything this time. i feel...utterly pointless. alone in the vast sea, just the scavengers waiting to pick me apart.
three years ago i was so confused.
two i was a little more sure.
one, i was pretty well on my way there.
but this year, it's all gotten fucked up, i've changed, calloused and a bit bitter. i don't like pulling my eyes of the cracks and the ground, and when i do it seems like it's just in time to see someone stabbing something into me. everything that i used to hold high, it's all trivial and stupid. i dunno, i feel stupid for wanting a weakness more than anything right now. but i can't find it anywhere i look. maybe i'm going blind.

a very unfriendly updated from yours truly

fuck you.
that being said, four hours was worth the drive to see the protomen, and my god were the kings among men. lavish and proud and standing three feet above everyone else. demanding nothing but revere. simply brilliant, and amazazing.
moving onward, i'm getting healthier again, still feel like crap, and now i've just realized, most of my october's about done and spent mostly working. i need a better life than this, but wait, isn't that just what people do, work to provide until they die? yeah, but i'm just surviving and this isn't fun anymore. oh well.
oh, and the fuck you was just a random thing, nothing personal. promise.

t-minus some time

it's drawing nearer and nearerer, the protomen. woot. i still feel like crap but i don't care, b/c i'm about to get my socks rocked off.

i hate being sick, so guess what? i'm sick.
i don't like waiting, but guess what? i have to wait.
i don't like the person i was, so guess what? i have to deal with the reputation that person had, and deal with it.
everything's building up to an anticlimactic point...i should just go back to sleep. wake me up when this is all over.

it's a self reflection thing, so it's gonna be long, be warned - not for the wary

so, yeah, i'm sick, and i've been keeping to myself all day long. jus' thinking about stuff, myself personally and a lot things.
so i've noticed, i've got a track record, and well, as long as the list may be that doesn't exactly make for blushing standards. somewhere along the line of not having enough experience and just having fun, i've ended up where i am and apparently more of a bastard for it.
now, i know that i've developed this big reputation of being this insensitive asshole who thinks peoples' feelings are shit. and that's simply not true. while i have said some nasty things, and acted in pretty hateful ways, albeit justified or not, i only did so b/c at the time i thought it was right, for the other person. but since then, i've come to note that it wasn't, i just should've been honest instead of breaking out into some derranged game where i feel better b/c the other person hates me, and therefore that makes it easier for them to heal. bullocks is what that is.
so i'd continue along this slippery slope until one day, the guns got turned on me. then, i found out how much easier it was to dish than to take. and to be honest, i'd rather not do any of the both. but me being me, came into another situation, whereas i could see promise, possibly, and methinks happiness could be there, and again, thwarted. no one to blame really, it wasn't in details and picky parts, it was just a new thing that ended before it began. wish i could say the word hurt wasn't a part of it for me, but then again i would be lying to say that.
now, present day i'm sitting with a stuffy nose thinking about all this, and i do feel like a whorish bastard for it, but even moreso i feel like an idiot b/c i set up a foundation and drug my own name down through the brush and collected a lot of snags and gashes i never wanted. i mean, it's all the part of life some of us have to deal with, but i'm just tired of meeting all these new people. i just want something that makes me nervous again, makes me feel like i'm not stupid for thinking the way i used to. whatever's next, i want it to be real. i'm not that stupid kid anymore that just wants more experience, experience is fruitless and often times unfulfilling. the things i wish i knew longer ago.
and now i get to sit here, sick and bored, possibly blowing everything before there was anything jus' b/c i was a careless prick. would it do any good at this point to really say, honestly i just want to care about someone and have them care about me, like a no holds barred wrestling match, anything goes. i'm tired of breaking and being broken, i just want to be happy. guess i'll just have to wait it out, like everything else.

well, haven't posted one of these in a while

and lemme guess, you totally didn't expect it, muhahahaha. anyway, sorry for those of you that read this, i jus' decided to post it b/c i haven't written any poetry in a while, so here you are: (and don't ask me what it's about)
"It's Almost Halloween"
It's one foot in front of the other
on a cold night toward the end of September
I'm trying not to get carried away, talking about myself
but what else can I do, waiting to watch you move
so what if I'm not cold, I'd just be wasting away
in the echoes of my room, if you didn't save me
I'm afraid that it's not clear, exactly what I'm trying to say
I just want you to stay around b/c the way you make me feel
it feels real, this time, like insects inside of me
so what do I do, when my mouth keeps running
but I just wanna hear you talk, let's go walk
maybe this slide here, with the static cling
will keep the wind out of your face, long enough
to see your eyes, to see your eyes
I know I didn't think things to get any better
so tell me about your idealistic expectations
and I'll get so nervous, just listening to you talk
but you say, I guess it's time, to call it a night
and say goodbye, and say good night

"Close Yours and Count to 10"
we were all sitting in rows, facing forward
a stillness in the air as the man shifted his hair
that plastic face, more peaceful than waves
so inhuman that there's a lack of gumption
and I wake up, and I just lay here
nobody else with me, no one's here
to tell me it was just a dream
and everything will be okay, darling
but that's it, that's everyday
staring at a peaceful plastic face
waiting for something to break again
and reference the frame of mind
that was something more like a prison
our heads kneeled, silently sobbing, quietly praying
a sweet release disguised in sorrow and hushed whispers
we're all just waiting to wake up
hoping someone's there to comb our hair
and tell us it'll all be okay