well, here's something i haven't felt very compelled to do for a while. why is it that when things are fine or good, i don't feel the need to really document it, to capture for forever? maybe it's just easier to remember, and i can't let myself forget the other side of it.

anyway, here's to you. i don't know where you're coming from, but there's something wrong and all i wanna do is fix it. but it's not happening. i want to talk about it, but when i try, you just say you don't wanna be around me, but then say i don't even talk later on. or you say, we'll talk about this later, but when is later ever gonna come around? the things you accuse i don't understand, but when i point to the instance where it happened, you say, that's not it...even though that's where it started.

and i don't know if it was a guilt trip, but to tell me you cried yourself to sleep when i stayed out late with my friends... what can i do about that? i came home, you knew i was gonna stay out late, but i did what i said... came home. i can remember you going out with your friends, giving me a time frame in which you'd be back, all warm with me. but i can remember two times when you never did, you were too drunk to be considerate and didn't even come home. granted you were with your friends, in the end, and safe, but how was i to know when you wouldn't answer texts or phone calls? i couldn't sleep either, but in the end when you were safe and back with me, i dealt with it. but when i go out, which i hardly ever have without you, and stay til the hours of the night, which you knew i was going to, and come back and answer any texts you send me, and do everything a responsible person does, being as considerate as the situation can allow and more... i'm the one to blame.

then i ask about vague twitter updates and i get some hostile remark b/c i was supposed to assume you stayed up all night crying... what the hell? you acted normal this morning before work, and blow up when i get the first glimpse that something was wrong. you tell me i can hang out with my friends, after i invite you and you decline, then you jump my shit with a guilt wagon when i do saying that i don't wanna be with you, it's how i'm acting when it's not. and you wonder why i never hang out with my friends...

there's so much i want to retaliate with, and point a finger at you, but that's nonsense, i'm just being defensive. and it's pointless. i just want you to understand that i'm crazy head over heels for you, but you can't get that. just because i'm not dancing and singing and smothering you doesn't mean that i don't wanna be around you. i've told you that time and again, i'll always want to be around you. it's impossible to think otherwise.

now, i could come up with my own paranoia, since you know - you're way too attractive to be with a guy like me, but i stiffle those, i trust you enough to know that if you're done with me, you'll tell me. and if you'd be happier somewhere else, i'd respect that, but i'll never be happy anywhere else that with you. i love you, and nothing will ever change that.

i just wanna get through this, b/c this seems to be the only problem we ever have.

"she's gone, she's gone across the border, man, and you're never gonna see her again."
it's a Minus the Bear lyrics, and a good one at that, haunting, catching and otherwise part of a good song, but until recently it hadn't sunk into me until it was flesh out.
last night i stared you down as you said things had changed, we'd lost some of that glamour, the illusion of perfection (or as close as we get to it) that we had carried up to that point. things had been weird, in a funk, for a while and on top of my assumptions, my stupid over reacting and disgusting you with what i thought to be a mildly harmless playful joke; it had culminated to a point where you were pushing my buttons to get a rise out of me. after the tone calmed, your worries and words were heavy. our thoughts of forever were tainted and botched despite our unyielded yammering, like we had been hopeless teenagers the days and weeks before. talking and asking if you still wanted to be with me, about breaking up, had only succeeded in further sinking the hope-boat.
but, of course, that's how it hit the air around us, i don't know which way it hit you and processed through your grey matter, but i'd like to spill my mind about it.
nothing has changed for me, this much i've told you. sure, we've been in an awkward way with a handful of moments, but i still only see (and saw that night) the woman i am head over heels in love with. i tried to made that much apparent, too. i did the best i could to reassure you that i wasn't even thinking about leaving, i just wanted to know where you stood. i needed some reassurance, too. i'll never entertain the though of leaving, and i don't want to think about the rest of my natural life without you (which does scare me, but i'm okay with it), but i'm not gonna try and control you and keep you locked into something that you don't want if you're sacrificing to make me happy b/c you care about me. if i have to sacrifice something, anything, just so you end up happy, then that's something i'll have to be okay with. it's the only reason i brought up the subject. if there was anything i knew to do to erase your worry about where could lie, i wouldn't hesitate for the life of me. and i want you to know, and believe, that i'm here, in it for the old and grey. i want to see what the rest of your life is like, just like mine. i don't know how exactly to express that. i would sift through all the troubles and repulsive shit in the world just to have the chance to do my best ot make you happy every single day. but i am paranoid, which i feel stupid about, but i always expect the worst in anything. it's not something i dwell on, but it does come to mind from time to time, i just don't expect for someone as magnificently spectacular as you to grow old with some cynical dickhole like me, i'm lucky that you've stayed around as long as you have, and made me the happiest guy in the world every single second i think about you. and despite you saying that you felt better last night, not a 100% - but a little bit, you were still distant, and thinking.
then there's the present day, where i've become scared and disheartened though i try not to show it in the slightest. i'm doing my best to pave over the cracks and bring everything back to okay again, but i feel like i'm doing it in vain. all the things i sent telling you that i love you and how amazing you are were ignored, while the rest were responded to quite quickly. now i'm worried that i've done something to make us the same as every relationship that's failed you, and now you're just trying to figure out the words you'll leave me with. it's the first day since we let go of our bitten lips that you haven't said that you loved me. maybe i should just man up, ignore all and anything that isn't elation or good, but that's me. it's not the person i am, nor the person that i've been the whole time with you. you don't have to be the man in the relationship, just be part of it. i'll have my moments, or days, but i'll fight like hell to make sure you're as happy as i can make you. and i don't enjoy the dips or ruts, but i know they're only temporary and i would suffer worse just to get a look into your eyes for a split second.
i don't know if i'm making sense anymore, or if i even have been, but i just wanted to get this out of me, and writing helps.
so i'll end on this, you are the most amazing person i've ever met. the kind of person i've been waiting to meet since i've believed in the stupid, yet wonderful concept of love. whatever walls i had up, whatever defenses has been hardwired into my scarred and scared mind didn't stand a chance. you are absolutely everything to me, and i will love you until i'm a cold dead meat bag, and i will prove that to you in any and every way i'm able.

i'll never be one to understand emotions, good or bad. they all seem to wear on you, and take pieces slowly away while they build you up or tear you down.

and i'm not a happy person by default. i could blame it on depression, but who's not depressed nowadays. seems like the doctors've got everyone on some sort of pill to make them happy or calm. i could blame it on anxiety and that shit, but let's face it, if i really needed to blame anything on that, i could only blame it on myself. i know chemicals can fuck your thoughts trains, but ultimately you choose how you're affected.

so now i'm here, just analyzing what a normal person would just take in stride and be happy to have to opportunity to feel something like this.

and i'm here feeling scared, like a paranoid person, and feeling so destructive inwards and out that i feel like i'm a stupid teenager again.

but i'm not screwing anything up, i see this happening, but i'm not trapped watching a bad movie that just gets worse. i'm behind the scenes and i know i can make it better. i know i can flesh this script out. i know what shots need to go where, and it's all on adlib. improv. that doesn't make any sense to anyone else but me, i guess. i'm just saying that nothing's rehearsed. it hasn't been, and i'm usually pretty good at following motions, but i'm not now. i just know how to stop the retarded part of my brain that doesn't believe in happiness, and doesn't believe anything lasts.

how can i put it bluntly... i know who i am, and what i do when things seem too good to be true. i get paranoid and build up these terrible scenarios in my mind that take me into another person that's more bitter and less trusting, for no reason but to save myself. i've got a weak and sick heart, everyone stays at arms length. no exceptions. not even my parents and friends have gotten close enough to really dig deep into me. this wall was build and barricade long ago, and for good reasons. so what would be the point in securing this fortress if i've go all willy-nilly and cave in on looking out for #1.

but now that there's a hole in my armor. now that my arms are next to me, and she's standing right there, i don't know how in the hell to handle this. i know where i am. i've dreamed about being here, despite my misleading words, and i'm not really afraid of screwing this up like i've done before. i'd feel something going down this road. over analyze. read off the results, and clam and pucker like an asshole. destroy it so sauvely and smile at the shattered pieces like my proudest piece of art.

however, i wasn't paying attention, and now i'm here. i've got the old knee jerk to tear it down, but i can't. which is a good thing. i've got no means to sabotage my emotions, or self destruct them. i'm finally in a good place with my idle hands at my side staring into deep green oceans. i'm happy. i'm warm. i'm excited. i'm where i've always wanted to be.

and yet...

there's this fear coming up behind my face. taunting me like a school yard bully. egging on my paranoia. telling me i'm going to fail. my heart will be torn from my chest and dashed against splintery shards of poison and malice, and all that other over dramatic bullshit to illustrate how devastated i'm gonna be when she decides i'm not all that. i'm not anything special. i'm not the one. (not that the last part is anything anyone's ever even sure of to begin with, let alone in the apex of a successful relationship). so anything i'm feeling, i lock inside some desolate cell deep down inside of me.

i thought i figured out a long time ago that letting things out was way healthier, and way less stressful. i also thought i could convince myself that certain feelings don't exist. hell, while i'm at it, i also thought now one could get to me, or plain get me. the jokes. the awkward acts. the laid back carelessness, and whatevs. it was good enough to defend against every single other person. but its some other sort of paralyzed i get when i'm looking into those pupils. like this something reaches into me and touches something inside, like a switch, that does more things i've never known words for. and it causes me to choke on my words, so i say only what i know i can say, but they don't scratch the surface of what's really there. i want to explode and let her roll around my insides like a soothsayer to see some divine message that the old gods wrote inside of me, for her eyes only. i want to let go, accept the consequences of what this is, if i ever have to, and live. finally live like i've wanted to live. like the movies. i know the movies are fantasy and lies, but it feels tangible. i feels so real that it hurts to hold back.

and here i am, blogging about it. pretending it's nothing big, face to face. but screaming in my head about the little details.

i know what it is. i couldn't tell you why, but that means so much more to me than a laundry list. that's how i know it's real. that's how i know i'm not just faking it to lie to myself. that's how i know she's different. that's just how i know.

and i'm still too chickenshit to do anything about it.

you seriously have no idea how close it all comes to spilling out of me every second. how much i can't to hold on to keep my rationality, keep my head on straight. i want to scream it out so everyone knows, but it's always just stuck in my chest. i'm wondering if i'll ever get the balls to let it out...i'll prolly just be drunk when it happens.

these chemicals are fucking suffocating! how can i say what needs to be said when the words are hard to find...?

just letting you know, it ain't easy being me sometimes.

is it that i'm thinking inward too much? is it that i'm afraid of screwing things up? is it the heavy doubt inside of me that i don't have the strength to be happy?

any time i feel jealous about something, i feel stupid. like no matter what, it's not an emotions i should feel, ever. i know its human nature to feel it, but that doesn't make it okay to me. at least me feeling jealous for any reason. and it's not that i'm uber jealous, or going crazy with jealousy in my head. it's just a pang in my stomach, like sour milk, and quickly fades away. but i worry. not that i'll flip my shit, just that i feel it. but that's not the most of it. i'm worried of possibilities. not warranted, mind you, it's just that inkling of paranoia that sometimes gets into my head and won't stop rambling away.

i worry because i really like her, like whoa. i worry because i've never been this far in, never let myself go like this. i like to be safe, arm's length. pick up the pieces that hurt from there. it's not that i don't have the confidence, and that i don't believe in being the right person at the right time this time. i'm just worried about having a bad day. and not a bad day where i let something stupid get the best of me, and flip out over something infinitely unimportant, but a bad day in which these pieces left are all shatter parts of the mirror that used to be whole, each and every shard screaming 'i told you so, you fool.' a bad day that let's everything get to me, and i eat it down until my stomach's bursting. a bad day where i'm this glutton for raw emotions that i haven't let myself feel, the good and the bad all turned up in a sushi roll.

let me put it like this. i've been a bastard before, and i don't like the person i was. i'm not afraid of being that person. but i've afraid of coming off like that person. i know it's normal to feel jealous, i know it's normal to be nervous and scared and all these things all at once. it's normal to feel and be alive. the important thing is how you choose to let those things affect you. you always have a choice, whether you like to think otherwise. and i feel like i'm uber sensitive, i either feel something full blast or not at all. i'm numb or on fire. i'm crazy or apathetic. and having these things suddenly gush up inside of me causing a panic, and a couple of things might come out, even with the filter on.

god dammit, i feel like i'm losing the meaning in all of this. let me just put it straight. i get jealous about stupid, and sometimes things that i feel are valid, shit. it's normal. i don't let it effect or affect anything. i stamp it out. it's just that i feel stupid for feeling it at all. i feel like a crazy idiot b/c i'm over compensating for trying to not be jealous. and feeling jealous makes me feel like i'm being controlling. i've actually thought about it a bit, and i've not really been controlling, i've expected things from a person that didn't deliver and got upset when they didn't. i don't find that controlling. i find that logical. but when it all piles up, you lose context, and other things come up, and you become uber pissed, mixed with jealous. ah, i'm starting to understand a bit more just by typing this out. and really thinking it over. i feel better now.

so this is the last paragraph, promise. and let me note right now, this is my jarbled mind and backward processed. i get jealous sometimes, big woop. i don't let it control me or get to me. i'm not controlling, and i'm pretty sure i haven't been. it just took a few paragraphs of confused thought to figure it out.

i feel the need to be cryptic and misread. but i don't have anything much to say that isn't already known. and it's not like enough people really read this to have fun with being cryptic.

interesting conversations in the AM at night. i kind've feel like a whore, it's just weird how when the things happen, they happen. no thought. then years later, you look back and sum it up in five minutes, and bam, you're definitely easy, and a bit more frisky than you thought, or would like to sound. but oh well, i've lived my life this long without many regrets, and i kinda dig the guy i am.

the only thing i hate (using the word loosely, of course) is re-evaluating myself, but not so much my personality, but certain things that i've tried so hard to believe in. i used to be a crutch person, taking up jesus and all his grandizing glory, but i wanted to stand on my own. now i'm falling back on thinking about fate, and love. i wanna say it's all bullshit propaganda built up by the human condition, but i'm also an avid fan of the human conidition, no matter how bad it blows on a usually daily and yearly basis. i also feel like i'm the boy i used to be again, not to say that i'm feeling young and naive, but i care more now. the nihilistic cynicism is just becoming this partially hollow act i'm repeating b/c i think it's funny. i'm losing my anchor and falling...into...this.

and, i mean, how do i sound genuine? that's something i've always wanted to know. how is someone gonna know when i actually mean something, i know when i do. i can usually tell when i look into someone's eyes whether they're lying or not, but then there's also the wanting to believe what they're saying factor, which has dug a deep ditch for me before. but regardless, i believe those words that she says. every bit. there's this tug in me that's screaming to be realistic, but then there's that other part that doesn't give a damn, this is a different level altogether and fuck being realistic, this feels so real and so surreal at the same time. i catch myself smiling through random parts of the day when i think over her. and there's too much i can't explain about it. for all intents and purposes this should be nothing new, but it is. and i can't just sit here and say, 'i've never felt this before.' it's trite and no one would believe me, despite it being true. i've literally had the best week of my life, even through the work stress and shelved personal dilemmas and problems...it's weird. and now the biggest thing occupying my mind is how do i let her know that i'm not just regurgitating everything i say. i want that she could look into me and know, blood to bones, that i've never been more honest and sincere than in those moments when i actually can find something to say, albeit a poor fraction of what's sitting behind it.

i didn't always have my back turned to the idea of love. it's another defense mechanism. if it doesn't exist in my world, i can't fall into it, and i definitely can't get hurt. hurt without love was bad enough. rejection from mild infatuation, i couldn't imagine a feeling that hurt worse, but now i'm beginning to understand a few things i shut myself off to, and while it scares the piss out've me, it's exciting. and i hate to admit that i am truly falling for someone. this is a means i can't control, and as worried and scared as i should be, i'm not. i don't know how to explain it, and i feel like i'm just mucking up the cogs in me by trying to stick words all over it, labeled and filed. but it's so much more wonderul than that.