What the fuck is wrong with me? That's all I need to know. There's no reason for me to feel completely like shit. And here I am. Fuck you life.

and so you tweeted in my dream...

"my love be patient until the ant hill is analyzed one last time"

what the fuck does that even mean? yes, thank you subconscience. no wonder i'm fucking crazy.

also, i got this cool leatherbound small journal. and i'm keeping all my thoughts about her in it. it's neat. and when it's full, i'm totally gonna burn the shit out've it and no one'll ever read it. not even me... after it's been written. so you know what that means - grammatical and spelling errors abound. fuck you word processors!

but seriously, subconscience, throw me a bone, can you see into the future? how fucked am i on a scale of 1 - 13,000?

i'm really more depressed than i'm letting on.
why can't i be honest with myself for once?

i'm the hero of this story, i don't need to be saved

you know, the process usually helps me not feel worse... maybe it was because i skipped out on Closer. figured it didn't really apply because there's no one to really hate in this instance.

i've never felt so much at once. it hurts more than i thought anything would, and there's nothing to take the edge off. no distancing mechanism that helps me think it was just something i saw in a movie and wasn't real. and i'm usually pretty good at convincing myself of lies that i tell myself to get on with life.

if this were any other day, full of boredom, i'd have something to fill it. but now i'm just feeling so pathetic and ... that there's nothing i feel that i can do that would be an adequate use of my time. no writing. no video games. i've already was three hokey movies in an attempt to process out my emotions. cigarettes are hurting my lungs and i literally didn't think i could cry this much.

i know it's only one day, but by this time every other time that hurt, i've had something to go on. but now i just feel sick and useless. i can't even look at other women (in movies) and feel any bit of attraction to just transpose what latent feelings of whatever it is you feel towards to opposite gender is. i just want her. and i wish that i could fast forward to three or four months down the road from now to either see if anything ever fixes itself or i'm over it.

i just want to be anywhere but here.

It feels really good to just write without TV and video games to distract me... and internet. And I'm really digging the story that's coming out've me right now

i took a break from writing for the day...

...not that i've been mad with creativity... oh wait, i have. sort've.

anyway, i've spent a lot of time just catching up on television series, like Doctor Who, Avatar: The Last Airbender and V. all of which turned out to be really good series, so all in all, a win.

V is everything a remake should be. great telling. impecable moderization. and after a full first season, we still haven't gotten a full lizard person reveal. good job V keeping up wanting more. and the season finale, awesome.

Doctor Who still gets better and better no matter how much i wanna say it doesn't sometimes.

and Avatar. definitely better than the James Cameron movie. it's not futuristic Pocahantas, which i can very much appreciate.

and when i put it in perspective like that, i can't help but feel, i'm getting a lot of inspiration with such great storytelling.

i guess you don't always need a book.

This is why I hate repair men... and machines that need to be repaired.

Funny story: So I've been playing phone tage with the AC repair man until 11AM, when I finally talk to him. I let him know someone will be at the apartment after 3/3:30 ish. So Tiffany, being the wonderful and helpful person she is, comes back after her classes and sits in the stuffy apartyment until I get home. The repair man never shows. So I come through the door, assuming since Tiffany hasn't tweeted about the repair man coming and how we're blessed with cool air, and I am pretty mega pissed. I apologize to her that she had to waste her afternoon inside and in a hot apartment. I mini rant about the irresponsibility of a repair man that says he's gonna come by, but doesn't. Then I flip the switch for the AC, and walk outside. To my surprise, the fan that once was dead is now turning. 'Curious' I think to myself, so I walk inside and feel the vents, and I'll be damned if they weren't blowing out cold air.
So now, it's cooling off in the apartment, and I'm wondering why we didn't try to turn it on again sooner. It doesn't make sense that it wouldn't work for those three days, but then suddenly be alright... eh, oh well, at least we saved on the electric bill for a couple of months.

I wonder what things will be like this time next year...