Not to bombard you, but I've noticed that I haven't been telling you my dreams. At least, not typing them out for the waves of cyber-eternity to carry out until the EMP's take out every last god damn server holding a good chunk of my thoughts. I should rectify this. But then again, I always forget about you when I have someone other than myself to think about so consistently. 

I'm still trying to figure out if I still talk to you every day or if you're just a piece of my imagination. Only time will tell. 

Sometimes people are more of a disservice to those around them than they are to themselves without even knowing. I'm saying more along the lines of being a shitty person reflects poorly on the awesome people in their life, besmirching their otherwise sterling recommendations. 

I pride myself in having good people around me. I love my friends fiercely. And I can only hope that I'm not the weak link that brings that sort of questioning to anyone's integrity. 

There are those times. And THOSE times. 

I waste a lot of my life just waiting...

Oh my dear Braille-Reader, how I've lost myself in the murky dumps of my own self-imposed misery.

That's a pretty good opening line, right?

But on to the point, in such a vague sense: I'm never prepared. I've finally gotten a handle on the process, factoring out the immediate, knee-jerk response to all my worry and pain and anxiety. Because, to face it, I was already prepared for nothing, so what's the point of worrying about going back to it? You see? I'm not as dumb as I look.

Finally, however, I realize the plights of those that came before. The ones that looked at me with teary eyes while my blank face stared back at them. I suppose this is why I'm the one that feels all the more now. Or maybe I felt too much from the beginning, and being overwhelmed, locked those feelings away until I convinced myself they never existed. Either way, this boat has lost it's paddles and I'm floating now, for better or worse, to the end of this stream. It could dry up. It could lead to a waterfall of spiky, jagged rocks. Or it could lead out to the ocean and forever. Time and patience will tell, and though I wish and hope for so many things, I've adjusted my expectations to something more realistic, likely a little pessimistic to save myself in the end, yet save for the surprise of happiness.

I do, however, relish the fact that I'm not my usual self. Albeit, I've been a tad in the deep end of my emotions, but it's nice to feel again and know that I'm actually human. And know that others CAN effect me in positive ways. I only wish that I could manage those hopeless moments where I imagine everything crashing down around me. I wish I could have exactly what I want, when I want it. But that's not life. That's not realistic. And though I am a dreamer, I also understand reality and am bound by it's laws. But to be able to break a few every now and again, is that so much to ask?

I hate that feeling of defeated uncertainty. 

Somewhere deep inside of me, there's a failure waiting to get out and crush me, Braille-Reader. In that shallow, murky cesspool of self-confidence, a karmic sabotage is just waiting to be sprung.  

I've spent a lot of time lately thinking on the emotional spectrum and drive behind it. I don't really know that I've figured anything out. If anything, I understand myself a little better here and there, but I'm even more profoundly confused by other people. Their perceptions and processing of what I take to heart or disregard are wholly different.

I've found similar opinions and ideas about things, usually shared with the people I'm closest to, however, I've never met someone with the same processing I have, save for one now, but I'm still not sure how aligned that is. That's neither a good nor bad thing, just fascinating and new. I've often thought of myself as having a bit of a cold demeanor - being able to distance myself from emotion and regard each situation after I've shaken loose of its initial shock. Lately, though, the shock hasn't been wearing off as quickly and I feel my reasonably fair and logical way of looking through things has become a bit skewed.

I can't tell if I like this or not, finding myself vulnerable to this primal instinct again, pissing contests for territory. All I know is that I'm smarter now that I was, more aware. I hope that makes a difference. If not, all my sage-like wisdom is going to lose all its weight.