so in case you didn’t know.

amanda has fallen back on her word...wow, what a surprise. after all the preaching that i'd be the one to leave her fucked over, and high and dry. as far as i can see i'm still in the same place. now, i'm about to be kicked out, b/c she never  paid for this month's rent like she agreed too. instead she's talking about how hard she has it now. like she's the only person alive. well, if she never left she wouldn't have had that problem would she?
it's just frustrating b/c now i've just been proven right, again. i stuck my neck out for her, while she made me feel bad b/c she left all her friends and her family to come up here. and i tried to make it as good for her as i could, doing everything she wanted. even after she went and cheated on me, while she was pregnant, yeah...think about how fucking gross a person has to be to do that. and aside from every single person i know hating her guts. not to mention, one of the most unconfrontatinal people i know got in her face and screamed at her. i ignored all that shit that set off alarm after alarm in my head. GAH! they she tells me that i need to grow up. but i'm not the one pawning off MY kid on my parents to go out and drink and party. i'm not the one fucking other people when i should be spending time with something that would be more important to me than comic books. and i wouldn't use some half ass excuse like, 'if i don't do want i wanna do now, i would resent him'. fuck that, if i had a kid, i wouldn't regret it, i wouldn't do anything besides everything i could to give that kid a good life.
not to mention, she's gonna kill it. yeah, if you haven't heard now you know. i've told a few people it was a miscarriage...that's a lie. i just didn't want it to go away, but it's not my choice.
the worst part about about being delusional isn't living in a reality unlike everyone else. it sucks b/c when you come around, someone's already picked apart the foundation you built a stability on. and laughs in your face. i didn't ask her to come into my life. she sought me own and pryed her way inside. now i'm paying the price.
i don't know how well i'll be able to bounce back from this situation. not emotionally, just more everything else.

it’s always this hawt in july

it's hectic and long. like a waiting game that never seems to end. i hear all the things going on. i see 'em too. as well as i can see with the busted eye. but it's never forward that i see the things i should, perfectly. it's always the things that have already finished and i look backwards and realize that i've never seen more of anything other than the way i interpretted it.

some people give you advice, or tell you matter of factly. and you just write it off as bullshit, stupid people saying stupid things. or you just don't give it much thought, b/c you're too busy worrying about yourself, or things you should be doing. not the right stuff. then eventually that phrase comes back to haunt you in the most wicked way, letting you know how bad you really fucked it up. how much more ahead everyone else is of you.

so what now? you realize your mistakes again and again. how do you carry on from this point that you've reached? things'll never go back to being that good again, so just shut up and suck it up and move forward. it's all anyone can really do.


as far as i know, it's a girl. and she's having it. now i have to decide whether or not to be a part of her life and deal with her mother and my responsibility to her. or just pay a monthly due and let her mom's parents make a better person of her than i could.

decisions, decisions.
i've got til december to think.