it’s always this hawt in july

it's hectic and long. like a waiting game that never seems to end. i hear all the things going on. i see 'em too. as well as i can see with the busted eye. but it's never forward that i see the things i should, perfectly. it's always the things that have already finished and i look backwards and realize that i've never seen more of anything other than the way i interpretted it.

some people give you advice, or tell you matter of factly. and you just write it off as bullshit, stupid people saying stupid things. or you just don't give it much thought, b/c you're too busy worrying about yourself, or things you should be doing. not the right stuff. then eventually that phrase comes back to haunt you in the most wicked way, letting you know how bad you really fucked it up. how much more ahead everyone else is of you.

so what now? you realize your mistakes again and again. how do you carry on from this point that you've reached? things'll never go back to being that good again, so just shut up and suck it up and move forward. it's all anyone can really do.


as far as i know, it's a girl. and she's having it. now i have to decide whether or not to be a part of her life and deal with her mother and my responsibility to her. or just pay a monthly due and let her mom's parents make a better person of her than i could.

decisions, decisions.
i've got til december to think.