i don't keep up with this enough. not that i don't like recording places and times that i have thoughts and conversations within myself. but it seems like i only blog any more to get someone's attention when i can't just bring up the words myself.

but that's not what i'm doing now.

i've just spent hours upon hours revising one story wondering if i'm every gonna go anywhere with this shit. i just joined this writing workshop of people that've been in college for writing, and i've never taken a creative writing class outside of high school. they use this words to describe things, and i only pick up in context what they're talking about. i feel stupid most of the time. and at a huge disadvantage. in the larger scheme of things, i feel like i'm not educated enough to write, like i'm just a little boy pretending.

one of my best friends is going off and abroad (still in the U.S.) but going somewhere to develop and make himself a better writer. he graduated college for fuck sake, and what am i doing? i'm lying in bed all day, smelling like b.o. and revising a short that's most likely not going to amount to anything amazing. maybe it'll get published, i don't know. but i feel like i'm defeating myself because i never gave myself the appropriate means to expose myself to talented individuals. i feel like i've never learned anything about writing from the people who know, because, by god, they have degrees, ceritified pieces of paper that say they know what they're talking about. they've done the time, been put in print and are living the life.

then i remember why i quit. i remember what i believe in. writing isn't something taught, to me, it's something earned. you become a story teller when you have stories to tell, good and bad, happy and sad. my mind has always been weaving these things as a child. i don't need a degree, some special ink, stamped and signed, flammable parchment to tell me how good i am at something. and i don't need to go anywhere to do it. i just need to believe that i can. as retardedly after school special as that sounds. i've also been a writer, albeit lazy. and i feel that if i had gone through the program, reformatted and regurgitated what older, self important people had told me. i would've lost what made my its own. i don't wanna become pompous and worry about publication (although it would be nice). i just have things inside of me that need to get out, need to be told. it's a romantic idea, but it's true. after opening the gates, now the longer i go without writing, the more shut off and agitated i become. i'm like a dam that moans what the waters backing up because the gates are clogged.

i quit because i wasn't happy with someone telling me how to do things, teaching me labels and words describing things i knew how to do on instinct. i decided that i would go about this my way, and do things like the older authors that didn't pay money to get a title they were born with. i've spent all my time lately being slightly depressed, and envious because everyone around me is graduating college, something i should've done years ago. but that's not what i want. i want to be the dumbass that clawed my way somewhere, tooth and nail, to know i deserve where i end up, only on talent, if i have it.

that doesn't mean that i'm not proud of my friends that have chosen their own paths, and finished chapters in their own books. it just feels good to really just get it off my chest. when the modern day says you have to be educated to be an author, i just wanna prove to myself that i can do it the hard way, because i'm a stubborn jackass. and it feels good just to admit it.