What the fuck is wrong with me? That's all I need to know. There's no reason for me to feel completely like shit. And here I am. Fuck you life.

and so you tweeted in my dream...

"my love be patient until the ant hill is analyzed one last time"

what the fuck does that even mean? yes, thank you subconscience. no wonder i'm fucking crazy.

also, i got this cool leatherbound small journal. and i'm keeping all my thoughts about her in it. it's neat. and when it's full, i'm totally gonna burn the shit out've it and no one'll ever read it. not even me... after it's been written. so you know what that means - grammatical and spelling errors abound. fuck you word processors!

but seriously, subconscience, throw me a bone, can you see into the future? how fucked am i on a scale of 1 - 13,000?

i'm really more depressed than i'm letting on.
why can't i be honest with myself for once?

i'm the hero of this story, i don't need to be saved

you know, the process usually helps me not feel worse... maybe it was because i skipped out on Closer. figured it didn't really apply because there's no one to really hate in this instance.

i've never felt so much at once. it hurts more than i thought anything would, and there's nothing to take the edge off. no distancing mechanism that helps me think it was just something i saw in a movie and wasn't real. and i'm usually pretty good at convincing myself of lies that i tell myself to get on with life.

if this were any other day, full of boredom, i'd have something to fill it. but now i'm just feeling so pathetic and ... that there's nothing i feel that i can do that would be an adequate use of my time. no writing. no video games. i've already was three hokey movies in an attempt to process out my emotions. cigarettes are hurting my lungs and i literally didn't think i could cry this much.

i know it's only one day, but by this time every other time that hurt, i've had something to go on. but now i just feel sick and useless. i can't even look at other women (in movies) and feel any bit of attraction to just transpose what latent feelings of whatever it is you feel towards to opposite gender is. i just want her. and i wish that i could fast forward to three or four months down the road from now to either see if anything ever fixes itself or i'm over it.

i just want to be anywhere but here.