you know, the process usually helps me not feel worse... maybe it was because i skipped out on Closer. figured it didn't really apply because there's no one to really hate in this instance.
i've never felt so much at once. it hurts more than i thought anything would, and there's nothing to take the edge off. no distancing mechanism that helps me think it was just something i saw in a movie and wasn't real. and i'm usually pretty good at convincing myself of lies that i tell myself to get on with life.
if this were any other day, full of boredom, i'd have something to fill it. but now i'm just feeling so pathetic and ... that there's nothing i feel that i can do that would be an adequate use of my time. no writing. no video games. i've already was three hokey movies in an attempt to process out my emotions. cigarettes are hurting my lungs and i literally didn't think i could cry this much.
i know it's only one day, but by this time every other time that hurt, i've had something to go on. but now i just feel sick and useless. i can't even look at other women (in movies) and feel any bit of attraction to just transpose what latent feelings of whatever it is you feel towards to opposite gender is. i just want her. and i wish that i could fast forward to three or four months down the road from now to either see if anything ever fixes itself or i'm over it.
i just want to be anywhere but here.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
This hits really close to home. I know exactly how you feel and just wanted to say that I know what you were and are probably still going through, just wanted to say you are not alone dude. Surround yourself with other things that matter. Pick up a project you never finished, talk to a friend you have not spoken to in a long time. Just think back to before it all happened and focus on those things that mattered then. It might never get any easier but it becomes more tolerable the further you move away from it. I have never been more broken in all my life but it is feasible to pick up the dust of what remains and move forward and hopefully rebuild one day.
ReplyDelete