and once again, i've gone to lengths to make sure this is private again... or at least not posted all over my fb and tumblr.

so how do i let you know that i'm writing to you. i don't, i guess. i'm just troubled. can't sleep for the first time in a long time, and ignoring everything and running away isn't working anymore. you're too real in my dreams and it's killing me.

i tried to be the me i was when everything was simple and nothing ever hurt and that's not what it used to be. i hate being an adult and i hate the idea of love. it's this sick, twisted thing that's uncontrollable and consuming. i get knots in my stomach just thinking about it. i hate that i'm in love. i want to not exist so badly, everything's just moving backwards and forwards in a unflattering light. where will i be in a year? if the spiral goes down any further then i don't want to know.

without the things i was used to, with everything being abruptly snatched away, i was in shock and an opportunity presented itself. now did i chase because i was hungry, or out of necessity? i'll tell you why i did it. i did it so i wouldn't kill myself. it's just that plain.

you once asked me, why not for you. would you like to know my answer? b/c i didn't know what i had, not fully. how could i? i'm just a stupid boy at heart and i take everything for granted. i just wish there was someone that could make it all better, like sweet doughnuts mending my fresh wounds... and make not mistake, they are still very very fresh. the distraction's wearing off and now reality is setting in.

i feel sick again.