I feel helpless, just when I feel I've got a grasp on this I find myself swimming deeper and deeper into thoughts about how everything falls apart around me. I have hope, but hope is hollow. Hope is weak. Hope isn't everything I've lead myself to believe it is. I remember this feeling, it's been rattled around inside of me a lot. Lost. That's how I would describe it. Tired of talking about the problem I can't get passed, not that it would be this difficult had I been wearing the boots made for walking away.

This is the downside of dating. The uncertainty and lack of closure. I'm all for the chase... or rather, I used to be. Often now, I'm too tired to chase a pretty face around the glowing lights of neon bar signs. I only want someone that I can look at and listen to and not want to kill myself around. Maybe that's still too picky. It wouldn't matter anyway, it'd be a few months and I'd be bored like always and find myself in the same spot with the upper hand on the situation instead of desperately grasping at delusional thoughts like they were pockets of air in the deep, black ocean of depression I'm currently overwhelmed in.

And to track it all down to just one person, one person I didn't sleep with. I didn't makeout with. I just felt comfortable and wanted to spend the time knowing more about. What did it all change? The routine. The straightforward, unabashed snide asshole that got what he wanted. What did I even want from her? Was I just lonely? Fuck if I know. I can throw out all the questions for miles and still come no closer to knowing myself any better than the five minutes before when I started down the good cop/bad cop routine with myself in a dark room with the dim light of this monitor.

I think what's truly terrifying is just how close it all came to being real again. That feeling. I don't feel things, I'm a robot. I've built and steeled myself to digest and process the human condition, and weed that annoying shit out to the best of my ability. And here I am, depressed because a girl up and disappeared on me after putting in two months of 'getting-to-know-you' time. It should be nothing. It should be a flash in the pan, cool - thanks for your time, see ya around, done. But for some reason it isn't, and it's fucking killing me not knowing why...

It's probably just that I didn't get the final say. It likely has nothing to honestly do with me having a heart, just me having an ego.