i'll never be one to understand emotions, good or bad. they all seem to wear on you, and take pieces slowly away while they build you up or tear you down.

and i'm not a happy person by default. i could blame it on depression, but who's not depressed nowadays. seems like the doctors've got everyone on some sort of pill to make them happy or calm. i could blame it on anxiety and that shit, but let's face it, if i really needed to blame anything on that, i could only blame it on myself. i know chemicals can fuck your thoughts trains, but ultimately you choose how you're affected.

so now i'm here, just analyzing what a normal person would just take in stride and be happy to have to opportunity to feel something like this.

and i'm here feeling scared, like a paranoid person, and feeling so destructive inwards and out that i feel like i'm a stupid teenager again.

but i'm not screwing anything up, i see this happening, but i'm not trapped watching a bad movie that just gets worse. i'm behind the scenes and i know i can make it better. i know i can flesh this script out. i know what shots need to go where, and it's all on adlib. improv. that doesn't make any sense to anyone else but me, i guess. i'm just saying that nothing's rehearsed. it hasn't been, and i'm usually pretty good at following motions, but i'm not now. i just know how to stop the retarded part of my brain that doesn't believe in happiness, and doesn't believe anything lasts.

how can i put it bluntly... i know who i am, and what i do when things seem too good to be true. i get paranoid and build up these terrible scenarios in my mind that take me into another person that's more bitter and less trusting, for no reason but to save myself. i've got a weak and sick heart, everyone stays at arms length. no exceptions. not even my parents and friends have gotten close enough to really dig deep into me. this wall was build and barricade long ago, and for good reasons. so what would be the point in securing this fortress if i've go all willy-nilly and cave in on looking out for #1.

but now that there's a hole in my armor. now that my arms are next to me, and she's standing right there, i don't know how in the hell to handle this. i know where i am. i've dreamed about being here, despite my misleading words, and i'm not really afraid of screwing this up like i've done before. i'd feel something going down this road. over analyze. read off the results, and clam and pucker like an asshole. destroy it so sauvely and smile at the shattered pieces like my proudest piece of art.

however, i wasn't paying attention, and now i'm here. i've got the old knee jerk to tear it down, but i can't. which is a good thing. i've got no means to sabotage my emotions, or self destruct them. i'm finally in a good place with my idle hands at my side staring into deep green oceans. i'm happy. i'm warm. i'm excited. i'm where i've always wanted to be.

and yet...

there's this fear coming up behind my face. taunting me like a school yard bully. egging on my paranoia. telling me i'm going to fail. my heart will be torn from my chest and dashed against splintery shards of poison and malice, and all that other over dramatic bullshit to illustrate how devastated i'm gonna be when she decides i'm not all that. i'm not anything special. i'm not the one. (not that the last part is anything anyone's ever even sure of to begin with, let alone in the apex of a successful relationship). so anything i'm feeling, i lock inside some desolate cell deep down inside of me.

i thought i figured out a long time ago that letting things out was way healthier, and way less stressful. i also thought i could convince myself that certain feelings don't exist. hell, while i'm at it, i also thought now one could get to me, or plain get me. the jokes. the awkward acts. the laid back carelessness, and whatevs. it was good enough to defend against every single other person. but its some other sort of paralyzed i get when i'm looking into those pupils. like this something reaches into me and touches something inside, like a switch, that does more things i've never known words for. and it causes me to choke on my words, so i say only what i know i can say, but they don't scratch the surface of what's really there. i want to explode and let her roll around my insides like a soothsayer to see some divine message that the old gods wrote inside of me, for her eyes only. i want to let go, accept the consequences of what this is, if i ever have to, and live. finally live like i've wanted to live. like the movies. i know the movies are fantasy and lies, but it feels tangible. i feels so real that it hurts to hold back.

and here i am, blogging about it. pretending it's nothing big, face to face. but screaming in my head about the little details.

i know what it is. i couldn't tell you why, but that means so much more to me than a laundry list. that's how i know it's real. that's how i know i'm not just faking it to lie to myself. that's how i know she's different. that's just how i know.

and i'm still too chickenshit to do anything about it.

you seriously have no idea how close it all comes to spilling out of me every second. how much i can't to hold on to keep my rationality, keep my head on straight. i want to scream it out so everyone knows, but it's always just stuck in my chest. i'm wondering if i'll ever get the balls to let it out...i'll prolly just be drunk when it happens.

these chemicals are fucking suffocating! how can i say what needs to be said when the words are hard to find...?

just letting you know, it ain't easy being me sometimes.

is it that i'm thinking inward too much? is it that i'm afraid of screwing things up? is it the heavy doubt inside of me that i don't have the strength to be happy?

any time i feel jealous about something, i feel stupid. like no matter what, it's not an emotions i should feel, ever. i know its human nature to feel it, but that doesn't make it okay to me. at least me feeling jealous for any reason. and it's not that i'm uber jealous, or going crazy with jealousy in my head. it's just a pang in my stomach, like sour milk, and quickly fades away. but i worry. not that i'll flip my shit, just that i feel it. but that's not the most of it. i'm worried of possibilities. not warranted, mind you, it's just that inkling of paranoia that sometimes gets into my head and won't stop rambling away.

i worry because i really like her, like whoa. i worry because i've never been this far in, never let myself go like this. i like to be safe, arm's length. pick up the pieces that hurt from there. it's not that i don't have the confidence, and that i don't believe in being the right person at the right time this time. i'm just worried about having a bad day. and not a bad day where i let something stupid get the best of me, and flip out over something infinitely unimportant, but a bad day in which these pieces left are all shatter parts of the mirror that used to be whole, each and every shard screaming 'i told you so, you fool.' a bad day that let's everything get to me, and i eat it down until my stomach's bursting. a bad day where i'm this glutton for raw emotions that i haven't let myself feel, the good and the bad all turned up in a sushi roll.

let me put it like this. i've been a bastard before, and i don't like the person i was. i'm not afraid of being that person. but i've afraid of coming off like that person. i know it's normal to feel jealous, i know it's normal to be nervous and scared and all these things all at once. it's normal to feel and be alive. the important thing is how you choose to let those things affect you. you always have a choice, whether you like to think otherwise. and i feel like i'm uber sensitive, i either feel something full blast or not at all. i'm numb or on fire. i'm crazy or apathetic. and having these things suddenly gush up inside of me causing a panic, and a couple of things might come out, even with the filter on.

god dammit, i feel like i'm losing the meaning in all of this. let me just put it straight. i get jealous about stupid, and sometimes things that i feel are valid, shit. it's normal. i don't let it effect or affect anything. i stamp it out. it's just that i feel stupid for feeling it at all. i feel like a crazy idiot b/c i'm over compensating for trying to not be jealous. and feeling jealous makes me feel like i'm being controlling. i've actually thought about it a bit, and i've not really been controlling, i've expected things from a person that didn't deliver and got upset when they didn't. i don't find that controlling. i find that logical. but when it all piles up, you lose context, and other things come up, and you become uber pissed, mixed with jealous. ah, i'm starting to understand a bit more just by typing this out. and really thinking it over. i feel better now.

so this is the last paragraph, promise. and let me note right now, this is my jarbled mind and backward processed. i get jealous sometimes, big woop. i don't let it control me or get to me. i'm not controlling, and i'm pretty sure i haven't been. it just took a few paragraphs of confused thought to figure it out.

i feel the need to be cryptic and misread. but i don't have anything much to say that isn't already known. and it's not like enough people really read this to have fun with being cryptic.

interesting conversations in the AM at night. i kind've feel like a whore, it's just weird how when the things happen, they happen. no thought. then years later, you look back and sum it up in five minutes, and bam, you're definitely easy, and a bit more frisky than you thought, or would like to sound. but oh well, i've lived my life this long without many regrets, and i kinda dig the guy i am.

the only thing i hate (using the word loosely, of course) is re-evaluating myself, but not so much my personality, but certain things that i've tried so hard to believe in. i used to be a crutch person, taking up jesus and all his grandizing glory, but i wanted to stand on my own. now i'm falling back on thinking about fate, and love. i wanna say it's all bullshit propaganda built up by the human condition, but i'm also an avid fan of the human conidition, no matter how bad it blows on a usually daily and yearly basis. i also feel like i'm the boy i used to be again, not to say that i'm feeling young and naive, but i care more now. the nihilistic cynicism is just becoming this partially hollow act i'm repeating b/c i think it's funny. i'm losing my anchor and falling...into...this.

and, i mean, how do i sound genuine? that's something i've always wanted to know. how is someone gonna know when i actually mean something, i know when i do. i can usually tell when i look into someone's eyes whether they're lying or not, but then there's also the wanting to believe what they're saying factor, which has dug a deep ditch for me before. but regardless, i believe those words that she says. every bit. there's this tug in me that's screaming to be realistic, but then there's that other part that doesn't give a damn, this is a different level altogether and fuck being realistic, this feels so real and so surreal at the same time. i catch myself smiling through random parts of the day when i think over her. and there's too much i can't explain about it. for all intents and purposes this should be nothing new, but it is. and i can't just sit here and say, 'i've never felt this before.' it's trite and no one would believe me, despite it being true. i've literally had the best week of my life, even through the work stress and shelved personal dilemmas and problems...it's weird. and now the biggest thing occupying my mind is how do i let her know that i'm not just regurgitating everything i say. i want that she could look into me and know, blood to bones, that i've never been more honest and sincere than in those moments when i actually can find something to say, albeit a poor fraction of what's sitting behind it.

i didn't always have my back turned to the idea of love. it's another defense mechanism. if it doesn't exist in my world, i can't fall into it, and i definitely can't get hurt. hurt without love was bad enough. rejection from mild infatuation, i couldn't imagine a feeling that hurt worse, but now i'm beginning to understand a few things i shut myself off to, and while it scares the piss out've me, it's exciting. and i hate to admit that i am truly falling for someone. this is a means i can't control, and as worried and scared as i should be, i'm not. i don't know how to explain it, and i feel like i'm just mucking up the cogs in me by trying to stick words all over it, labeled and filed. but it's so much more wonderul than that.