interesting conversations in the AM at night. i kind've feel like a whore, it's just weird how when the things happen, they happen. no thought. then years later, you look back and sum it up in five minutes, and bam, you're definitely easy, and a bit more frisky than you thought, or would like to sound. but oh well, i've lived my life this long without many regrets, and i kinda dig the guy i am.

the only thing i hate (using the word loosely, of course) is re-evaluating myself, but not so much my personality, but certain things that i've tried so hard to believe in. i used to be a crutch person, taking up jesus and all his grandizing glory, but i wanted to stand on my own. now i'm falling back on thinking about fate, and love. i wanna say it's all bullshit propaganda built up by the human condition, but i'm also an avid fan of the human conidition, no matter how bad it blows on a usually daily and yearly basis. i also feel like i'm the boy i used to be again, not to say that i'm feeling young and naive, but i care more now. the nihilistic cynicism is just becoming this partially hollow act i'm repeating b/c i think it's funny. i'm losing my anchor and falling...into...this.

and, i mean, how do i sound genuine? that's something i've always wanted to know. how is someone gonna know when i actually mean something, i know when i do. i can usually tell when i look into someone's eyes whether they're lying or not, but then there's also the wanting to believe what they're saying factor, which has dug a deep ditch for me before. but regardless, i believe those words that she says. every bit. there's this tug in me that's screaming to be realistic, but then there's that other part that doesn't give a damn, this is a different level altogether and fuck being realistic, this feels so real and so surreal at the same time. i catch myself smiling through random parts of the day when i think over her. and there's too much i can't explain about it. for all intents and purposes this should be nothing new, but it is. and i can't just sit here and say, 'i've never felt this before.' it's trite and no one would believe me, despite it being true. i've literally had the best week of my life, even through the work stress and shelved personal dilemmas and problems...it's weird. and now the biggest thing occupying my mind is how do i let her know that i'm not just regurgitating everything i say. i want that she could look into me and know, blood to bones, that i've never been more honest and sincere than in those moments when i actually can find something to say, albeit a poor fraction of what's sitting behind it.

i didn't always have my back turned to the idea of love. it's another defense mechanism. if it doesn't exist in my world, i can't fall into it, and i definitely can't get hurt. hurt without love was bad enough. rejection from mild infatuation, i couldn't imagine a feeling that hurt worse, but now i'm beginning to understand a few things i shut myself off to, and while it scares the piss out've me, it's exciting. and i hate to admit that i am truly falling for someone. this is a means i can't control, and as worried and scared as i should be, i'm not. i don't know how to explain it, and i feel like i'm just mucking up the cogs in me by trying to stick words all over it, labeled and filed. but it's so much more wonderul than that.