is it that i'm thinking inward too much? is it that i'm afraid of screwing things up? is it the heavy doubt inside of me that i don't have the strength to be happy?

any time i feel jealous about something, i feel stupid. like no matter what, it's not an emotions i should feel, ever. i know its human nature to feel it, but that doesn't make it okay to me. at least me feeling jealous for any reason. and it's not that i'm uber jealous, or going crazy with jealousy in my head. it's just a pang in my stomach, like sour milk, and quickly fades away. but i worry. not that i'll flip my shit, just that i feel it. but that's not the most of it. i'm worried of possibilities. not warranted, mind you, it's just that inkling of paranoia that sometimes gets into my head and won't stop rambling away.

i worry because i really like her, like whoa. i worry because i've never been this far in, never let myself go like this. i like to be safe, arm's length. pick up the pieces that hurt from there. it's not that i don't have the confidence, and that i don't believe in being the right person at the right time this time. i'm just worried about having a bad day. and not a bad day where i let something stupid get the best of me, and flip out over something infinitely unimportant, but a bad day in which these pieces left are all shatter parts of the mirror that used to be whole, each and every shard screaming 'i told you so, you fool.' a bad day that let's everything get to me, and i eat it down until my stomach's bursting. a bad day where i'm this glutton for raw emotions that i haven't let myself feel, the good and the bad all turned up in a sushi roll.

let me put it like this. i've been a bastard before, and i don't like the person i was. i'm not afraid of being that person. but i've afraid of coming off like that person. i know it's normal to feel jealous, i know it's normal to be nervous and scared and all these things all at once. it's normal to feel and be alive. the important thing is how you choose to let those things affect you. you always have a choice, whether you like to think otherwise. and i feel like i'm uber sensitive, i either feel something full blast or not at all. i'm numb or on fire. i'm crazy or apathetic. and having these things suddenly gush up inside of me causing a panic, and a couple of things might come out, even with the filter on.

god dammit, i feel like i'm losing the meaning in all of this. let me just put it straight. i get jealous about stupid, and sometimes things that i feel are valid, shit. it's normal. i don't let it effect or affect anything. i stamp it out. it's just that i feel stupid for feeling it at all. i feel like a crazy idiot b/c i'm over compensating for trying to not be jealous. and feeling jealous makes me feel like i'm being controlling. i've actually thought about it a bit, and i've not really been controlling, i've expected things from a person that didn't deliver and got upset when they didn't. i don't find that controlling. i find that logical. but when it all piles up, you lose context, and other things come up, and you become uber pissed, mixed with jealous. ah, i'm starting to understand a bit more just by typing this out. and really thinking it over. i feel better now.

so this is the last paragraph, promise. and let me note right now, this is my jarbled mind and backward processed. i get jealous sometimes, big woop. i don't let it control me or get to me. i'm not controlling, and i'm pretty sure i haven't been. it just took a few paragraphs of confused thought to figure it out.