"she's gone, she's gone across the border, man, and you're never gonna see her again."
it's a Minus the Bear lyrics, and a good one at that, haunting, catching and otherwise part of a good song, but until recently it hadn't sunk into me until it was flesh out.
last night i stared you down as you said things had changed, we'd lost some of that glamour, the illusion of perfection (or as close as we get to it) that we had carried up to that point. things had been weird, in a funk, for a while and on top of my assumptions, my stupid over reacting and disgusting you with what i thought to be a mildly harmless playful joke; it had culminated to a point where you were pushing my buttons to get a rise out of me. after the tone calmed, your worries and words were heavy. our thoughts of forever were tainted and botched despite our unyielded yammering, like we had been hopeless teenagers the days and weeks before. talking and asking if you still wanted to be with me, about breaking up, had only succeeded in further sinking the hope-boat.
but, of course, that's how it hit the air around us, i don't know which way it hit you and processed through your grey matter, but i'd like to spill my mind about it.
nothing has changed for me, this much i've told you. sure, we've been in an awkward way with a handful of moments, but i still only see (and saw that night) the woman i am head over heels in love with. i tried to made that much apparent, too. i did the best i could to reassure you that i wasn't even thinking about leaving, i just wanted to know where you stood. i needed some reassurance, too. i'll never entertain the though of leaving, and i don't want to think about the rest of my natural life without you (which does scare me, but i'm okay with it), but i'm not gonna try and control you and keep you locked into something that you don't want if you're sacrificing to make me happy b/c you care about me. if i have to sacrifice something, anything, just so you end up happy, then that's something i'll have to be okay with. it's the only reason i brought up the subject. if there was anything i knew to do to erase your worry about where could lie, i wouldn't hesitate for the life of me. and i want you to know, and believe, that i'm here, in it for the old and grey. i want to see what the rest of your life is like, just like mine. i don't know how exactly to express that. i would sift through all the troubles and repulsive shit in the world just to have the chance to do my best ot make you happy every single day. but i am paranoid, which i feel stupid about, but i always expect the worst in anything. it's not something i dwell on, but it does come to mind from time to time, i just don't expect for someone as magnificently spectacular as you to grow old with some cynical dickhole like me, i'm lucky that you've stayed around as long as you have, and made me the happiest guy in the world every single second i think about you. and despite you saying that you felt better last night, not a 100% - but a little bit, you were still distant, and thinking.
then there's the present day, where i've become scared and disheartened though i try not to show it in the slightest. i'm doing my best to pave over the cracks and bring everything back to okay again, but i feel like i'm doing it in vain. all the things i sent telling you that i love you and how amazing you are were ignored, while the rest were responded to quite quickly. now i'm worried that i've done something to make us the same as every relationship that's failed you, and now you're just trying to figure out the words you'll leave me with. it's the first day since we let go of our bitten lips that you haven't said that you loved me. maybe i should just man up, ignore all and anything that isn't elation or good, but that's me. it's not the person i am, nor the person that i've been the whole time with you. you don't have to be the man in the relationship, just be part of it. i'll have my moments, or days, but i'll fight like hell to make sure you're as happy as i can make you. and i don't enjoy the dips or ruts, but i know they're only temporary and i would suffer worse just to get a look into your eyes for a split second.
i don't know if i'm making sense anymore, or if i even have been, but i just wanted to get this out of me, and writing helps.
so i'll end on this, you are the most amazing person i've ever met. the kind of person i've been waiting to meet since i've believed in the stupid, yet wonderful concept of love. whatever walls i had up, whatever defenses has been hardwired into my scarred and scared mind didn't stand a chance. you are absolutely everything to me, and i will love you until i'm a cold dead meat bag, and i will prove that to you in any and every way i'm able.