well, here's something i haven't felt very compelled to do for a while. why is it that when things are fine or good, i don't feel the need to really document it, to capture for forever? maybe it's just easier to remember, and i can't let myself forget the other side of it.

anyway, here's to you. i don't know where you're coming from, but there's something wrong and all i wanna do is fix it. but it's not happening. i want to talk about it, but when i try, you just say you don't wanna be around me, but then say i don't even talk later on. or you say, we'll talk about this later, but when is later ever gonna come around? the things you accuse i don't understand, but when i point to the instance where it happened, you say, that's not it...even though that's where it started.

and i don't know if it was a guilt trip, but to tell me you cried yourself to sleep when i stayed out late with my friends... what can i do about that? i came home, you knew i was gonna stay out late, but i did what i said... came home. i can remember you going out with your friends, giving me a time frame in which you'd be back, all warm with me. but i can remember two times when you never did, you were too drunk to be considerate and didn't even come home. granted you were with your friends, in the end, and safe, but how was i to know when you wouldn't answer texts or phone calls? i couldn't sleep either, but in the end when you were safe and back with me, i dealt with it. but when i go out, which i hardly ever have without you, and stay til the hours of the night, which you knew i was going to, and come back and answer any texts you send me, and do everything a responsible person does, being as considerate as the situation can allow and more... i'm the one to blame.

then i ask about vague twitter updates and i get some hostile remark b/c i was supposed to assume you stayed up all night crying... what the hell? you acted normal this morning before work, and blow up when i get the first glimpse that something was wrong. you tell me i can hang out with my friends, after i invite you and you decline, then you jump my shit with a guilt wagon when i do saying that i don't wanna be with you, it's how i'm acting when it's not. and you wonder why i never hang out with my friends...

there's so much i want to retaliate with, and point a finger at you, but that's nonsense, i'm just being defensive. and it's pointless. i just want you to understand that i'm crazy head over heels for you, but you can't get that. just because i'm not dancing and singing and smothering you doesn't mean that i don't wanna be around you. i've told you that time and again, i'll always want to be around you. it's impossible to think otherwise.

now, i could come up with my own paranoia, since you know - you're way too attractive to be with a guy like me, but i stiffle those, i trust you enough to know that if you're done with me, you'll tell me. and if you'd be happier somewhere else, i'd respect that, but i'll never be happy anywhere else that with you. i love you, and nothing will ever change that.

i just wanna get through this, b/c this seems to be the only problem we ever have.