so here's one for the feelings board:

i'm really nervous b/c i don't know if i've gotten in over my head, but let me explain. i've gotten attached fast, which i'm sure it pretty obvious at this point. but i don't really know how to deal with that. i feel like some retarded middle school kid that's just got his first girlfriend. i'm always nervous, and i'm always worried and really insecure about a lot of things, but just when i'm alone. around you it's different. i don't care about anything else, and i lose a lot of anxiety. i don't know really how to explain it. you make me feel important, and like things are really worth it, putting up with the shit just to get to where i need to go.

maybe things are just finally tumbling into place and i'm worried that all the good that's built up will come down and sudden crash with debris and dust and chemicals. i need to learn to not worry. i trust you, wholly, which could prove to be good or bad. i'm hoping for good, but i always expect the worst from everything. you do that, and you can't get too hurt or too disappointed. i mean, in theory it's a good idea so you're never caught off guard, but it never really proves true.

also, another thing i wanted to say. the sex, while it is great, consistently, i just want you to know it's not all i want or all i think about, but it's really difficult to pump the brakes onces everything starts. there's a lot i want to be able to explain, but i can't ever find the fucking words, and that frustrates me. i really immensely enjoy the sex, but even moreso i really just enjoy you, being around you and everything that entails. i'd sit in the shittiest bar, or watch any movie as long as you were there. and who knows, i might even enjoy a few things if i just give them a chance.

god dammit, i really hate that i'm saying all this stuff. i mean, i guess it's a step in opening up, letting all my guard drop, slowly, but i have to do it in a blog. i mean, seriously, i used to be able to just say what i wanted, just let it fall out've my mouth and that was that, but i can't. not with you. i don't know if it's the words that i just don't know to say, or that i feel like i'm ranting, and i don't wanna bore you with any of that stupid pretense, especially my feelings or emotions. i guess i feel like i'd talk too much, and ruin everything. after all, i'm already the tainted girlfriend guy.

also, something to explain about that, the whole girlfriend guy thing. in my head it works like this. i like someone, we hang out, whatever happens, happens. now this could mean any number of things. but i always feel like it has to go up to the next level after some time. i can sit here and tell you that i'm not gonna be interested in someone else, that i'm gonna stick around, but those're all just words. by starting a labeled relationship, i guess, it's just my more tangible way of stepping up to that plate and being, like, hey i really mean what i say, and i want you to know it. and i don't mean to make it sound one-sided, b/c it says about the same to me, the whole 'hey, i like you enough to not fuck around with someone else and here's my way to prove it to you' i dunno, maybe i'm not making sense. but i haven't always dated any girl i've been with, or hung out with or whatever. i'm not exactly the girlfriend guy, but i have had a lot of girlfriends, however, we haven't exactly done the gauntlet run on talking about all the ex's in depth. honestly, it's not a conversation i'm sure i want to have. it's not the whole 'i'm jealous, i don't wanna talk about it, it'd make me sick to my stomach' it's more along the lines of 'you're here now, that's all that really matters' and if we ever have that conversation, i'm sure it'll be for a good reason.

alright, i'm losing my train of thought, sleepy as shit and everything, so it'd be better to stop before i start blending words with random hungry feelings and ideas into a big garbled orgy of sentences that run on too long.