I don't think I understand how to express my interest anymore...

So, to put it bluntly, I'm not exactly looking to date anyone, but I figure if something comes up then I'm open to the possibility of following through. And a person of my awkward social cowardice, I tend to gravitate toward things like Tinder and OkCupid... that being said, I don't often find women on there attractive, so I don't often swipe right nor make the first move. However, there has been at least two occasions in which the norm was disappointed.

Moving on. This particular instance was with Tinder. I matched up with a girl, but since then she hasn't been on to see the ridiculously dumb opening message I tried to send her, so that was over a month ago. I'd given up on it. It was pretty much a whatever. Until the other day when she walks into the store, shopping with her mother. At first, I thought she looked familiar, but I couldn't exactly place it. So I was creeping on her, watching her roam around the store and shop. AND THEN I placed her... you guessed it, the Tinder match-up.

Now, nothing happened. I didn't make any conversation. I didn't lay down any charm. I ignored her, except for a couple of connected sideways glances that she smiled back to (which I'm more than sure I read more into). And she left. Oddly enough, however, later that night I was bored on instagram and ended up finding her on a suggested list of people, and like an idiot figured I should follow her private profile and yadda yadda, excuse excuse.

There's no positive resolution to this story. It's just that, a story that ended not the way I'd have liked, but how were things really going to change. There's a lot of variables that go into it.

The only things that aggravates me is that I'm sure I came across as creepy, when I'm really not. And I can't put blame on other guys out there being super pushy and assholes about approaching women, because they actually do it. I don't. I hide behind social media because it's safe and I'm a coward. I don't like putting myself out there for anyone, regardless if I'm interested or not. I stay safely in my head and play out on excuses of why it wouldn't have worked in the first place and I'd be dumb to think otherwise. That's the root of it all, beneath the pompous prick that I am, I'm just an insecure child with boisterously bold advice of how other people should do the exact opposite of what I'd do in that situation.

I'm just aggravated at myself for being bothered by it and letting myself be bothered. I'm aggravated because I both love and hate being lonely. And I'm aggravated that even if I did interest someone that I wanted to interest, I'd have nothing substantial to bring to the table. I'm a writer that barely writes. I'm a college dropout. I have no motivation. And all I want is the world to flood so I can sleep during the rain.

That's me.