I get confused a lot with what it is that I'm supposed to be doing. Most of the time, I've turned off a lot of my brain just to get through the day without some sort of anxious incident in which I've found a new thing to panic over. However, turning completely off feels entrapping and neutering. I don't much like it. There's a balance to be found there somewhere in the ether between too much and not enough, but I'm hardly great at solving anything, I'm more of a mind to make things more complicated and intricate beyond need.

Something else:
An inherent thing that I've found with myself is that I typically share in areas that have been shared with me. For instance, work colleagues usually share gripes and complaints about the job, the clientele or even co-workers - so, in fashion, when someone has vented about said things, I have inadvertently returned in kind. Maybe not immediately, but as time presses on, experiences are unavoidable in commiserating or finding some overlap. Now, I've known for a while that I compartmentalize a lot of my relationships, this is based on the idea that I think of myself as a complex person, and therefore scatter the puzzle pieces of my personality along the few very close friends I have, so they all have an very good and intricate understanding of who I am, but there's enough that I keep to myself that I'm not utterly and completely vulnerable. This is a self defense mechanism that I've known about for far too long and have no desire to fix. However, knowing (or paying more attention to) this share and share alike facet of socializing seems to make sense in more subliminal ways that I intended. It helps when looking at the map of friendships that I've grown dearly attached to.

I'm beginning to understand the blueprints of what kind of person I am more and more each day. I kind've wished I'd paid more attention to these things sooner, so I could be further along than I am now. But that would mean that I would have had to trade the people I know now for blurry unknown faces... I don't really think I'm down for that.