Two things:

-I've been listening to a lot of podcasts lately... particularly just one with some others thrown in to change up the voices, but 80+ hours over the past two weeks.

-Today I had a nostalgic attack and was overcome by a sense of longing.

I choose to explore option one (first, at least):
It's interesting to hear people who are successful talk about their success and background and the obsession that drives them. But also from the places that they come from. It seems like there's a very good amount of struggle, but eventually everyone moves to the places where everyone has this idea that successful people go, then they work their asses off, surround themselves with like-minded people and boom - 10 years later, there's a small amount of payoff, if not more. It's gotten me to explore what I believe is my passion and what I'm doing about it - what I have been doing about to lead up to now, which is a whole lot of passively writing and promoting, believing that what I have is mediocre and letting it fall to the side because I really like something else more instantly gratifying at the moment. Even WeBe has suffered from my laziness more than my bouts of obsessive drive. It kind of makes me feel useless, like I'm wasting what talent I thought I had for complacency and safety, while I trap myself in a world that I'm not exactly happy with, all in the name of dulling my mind so I can continue to exist. I don't travel. I've barely written anything in the past year outside of WeBe, which I did in a couple of days and fell back on lettering. And I don't make the world any better than what it was without me.

I've made the posts before, over the many years of my narcissistic ranting, and made promises to myself that I've quickly broken over trivial things. I want to break the cycle and change it now, but I'm not really sure I know how to. We'll see how that goes. I've began a ritualistic routine that will hopefully get me addicted and inspired again, because my honest day to day dredge now is: work - home - tv - bed. I need something more than that. Especially when I get tired of absorbing and feel the true boredom weighing down on me, when I could just focus on what's important to me, so that I have something to be proud of that's not a totally rad mask collection or overwhelming comic book stack.

Deep breaths.

As for the other thing, I'll have to come back to it another time if it's pressing enough. I just know that I (from an objective perspective) realized exactly how important someone was to my mental development and I wished I could reach out to them to reconnect and let them know that I appreciate it deeply. But I can't.