i've got 3OH!3 stuck in my head, but it really has nothing to do with this, or anything else. just thought i'd throw that out there.

how can i say what i'm thinking? i feel like in order to really expose myself to you, completely un-pensive and not anxious that i have to be drunk. not that there's much to tell. i'm pretty sure you get the gist of it.

you seem really hurt and hung up on the fact that you think i think you're a party girl. now let me ret-con some stuff here, do i technically think you are a boy-crazy party girl? no. do i think you go out frequently, and drink, therefore in other terms called party? yes. so, you may not be a party girl, but you do go out a lot, and drink frequently, and sometimes become a hot mess. plus, a lot of the stories we trade are, 'well, i was out with...' or 'i was really drunk and...' so i'm not totally making up something completely unfounded. but i'm not one to judge, either. i've traded those stories as well, and i've got that vibe about me that i'm easy to get in bed and probably really more fickle that i like to seem. not to mention the stories that i'm sure are floating out there to the caliber of my character. so, i guess we're in the same boat here...maybe.

so let me tell you about what i get about who you are. i don't think you're a party girl, and i feel the need to emphasize that now. i just think you like to go out and have a good time, which sometimes ends up in hangovers and things i don't wanna talk about. but it happens to everyone...well, most anyone that isn't all up in god's asshole. anyway. you can be really sweet, and unknowingly hurtful (but that last part may be me being a too sensitive), almost like a double-edged sword. you're inconceivably gorgeous, and have the prettiest eyes and smile that i've ever seen on a person. and you make me re-evaluate a lot of things that i've held to just to be trite and seem so unaffected by life in general. you say you've never had a broken heart, just like i say i don't believe in love or fate or destiny, but i'm sure there's a little more to that story. and you also say that you'll hurt me, which i can believe (not that i care at this point), but i don't think you'd hurt anybody out of malice or spite or inconsideration, however any time i bring it up, there's just this look i can't decipher. i believe you'd do it to keep that title of never having a broken heart, and understandably so. if i'd gone this long and could say the same, i'd make sure that no one ever got to me before i could cut it off at the head. but i do think, and feel, that you are this amazing person once you open the flood gates and everything comes pouring out. i've seen it piece by piece, and i'm enamored by every moment of it. and i'm really hoping one day that it all comes, good and bad alike when you're ready for it and you think i'm the guy to hear it all.

i'm not trying to figure you out and label you, i want you to know that. and i can be very contradictory and just flat out stupid and naive about things. i can't say this is new, but it's never been this difficult. it's never been this hard for me to articulate even generic words. i feel like any word that'd come out of my mouth is stupid and pointless, b/c i can't conjure up a sentence for how i feel, or the way i look at you. i can't, even though i try, and horribly fail. i just wanna be around for the good and bad, as long as you want me to be around for the good and bad, and the in-betweens. i'm trying to put myself out there, more and more. and i don't know how i'm doing.

i just get to thinking a lot lately, like i haven't thought in a long time. and not the over-thinking way that i usually do. i guess, like the broad type. life and the universe and everything else in the cracks. it's nice to feel awake again. so i don't know if i should thank you for that, or if it's just a period in my life that it's happening...but there it is, anyway.